08 October 2011

Identity




NO ONE defines me except for GOD! “Once we know who we are in Christ, we’re set free from comparison & competition. We have value & worth apart from OUR works & accomplishments; we don’t have to try to be better than anyone else!! Happiness= submitting to GOD & NOT trying to become something the Lord hasn’t called you to be!!”
During my Anorexia I could feel my screws in my back literally poking me; I had no fat or muscle to cushion my rods & screws producing extreme pain. This made sitting & lying down even more uncomfortable- the pain was constant reducing my energy level among many other things. At times it felt like my screws were literally going to poke through my skin- like a knife slicing through my skin. Anorexia limited my activities- it limited EVERYTHING!! Now, after recovering from the sick disease which almost stole my life multiple times, I am able to do ANYTHING!! The doctors were right when they said a spinal fusion wouldn’t permanently limit activities but would instead INCREASE activity level, health & so much more!! I am forever grateful for this surgery which I believe literally saved my life; I can NOW touch my toes again- this seems like a small accomplishment but after having rods & screws in my back I’m BACK to my normal self & there’s NOTHING I can’t do! I am not proud of disobeying doctor's orders; however I am so proud of myself for pushing myself; I did overdo myself after surgery, but however I proved to myself that I can do ANYTHING with God- there’s NOTHING to keep me down! I want to walk beside others during hard times like these- to encourage them to KEEP ON towards hope: moving toward something better in which you cannot tangibly see. I want to help them to find balance while pushing themselves- to not overdo nor underdo. I am so excited to have MUSCLE again- my back feels the best it’s EVER felt!! Yes, I can still feel the rods & screws; however it is no longer an uncomfortable or painful feeling; it is a constant reminder of what I’ve been through & it helps me to stay in touch with my body & its limits/needs. My surgery WASN’T the end of sports; I am a living example of truth to what the doctors said- Maybe they’re not so psycho!!
I have also learned to replace poisonous shame with healthy shame. Due to sexual harassment I internalized shame; I was ashamed of what was being done but also of MYSELF- shame became the CORE of my existence! “Healthy shame”, however “reminds us we’re human with weaknesses & limitations!” (Joyce Meyers) There is a balance to everything!!!

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