30 May 2012


Life in all its essence is oh so beautiful. These past weeks have truly gone by in a whirlwind, leaving me star struck by the power of my God. On Friday we got to pick up my long lost twin after 6 months overseas; our 1st hug after 6 months was one of the best moments of my life—to witness the moment I’d been praying for become reality. We were treated to an ethnic meal with dishes from Morocco, Nepal, Africa, Chile, Asia, Malawi & other foreign countries of which I’ve never experienced; it was so neat to taste foods from different cultures and to enliven the experiences each team had. After our delicious meal, each team gave a presentation of their trip and enlightened us with the miracles God had done through them as well as taught each one of them. After the presentations, the REACHers were dismissed to a separate room from the nonREACHers; since I, as well as some others arrived late, we decided to clean up the beyond messy dinner room to save the staff some much needed time and energy—it was truly a blast and felt so rewarding to serve without even being asked but merely wanting to help out in any way possible. Once the room was spotless and every crumb picked up, we headed over to the conference room to locate our reunited family and head home with an extra passenger: BAM aka Brian. After two hours or so, I was in my bed with the neighboring bed filled with the breath and life of my actual twin—God is SO good! We’ve spent this whole week hanging out and taking advantage of each and every moment together, reunited stronger than ever after many answered prayers.

Today was nothing short of amazing, to say the least, with many unplanned spontaneous adventures around each corner! This morning our phone rang & a strange voice answered, asking for Chelsea; after listening for a few minutes, I made out through the rough connection him asking me what I was up to and other things about my personal life which beyond freaked me out for multiple reasons: 1) I didn’t know who “Justin” was at the moment 2) he sounded foreign and creepy (these two things are not related: I’m NOT racist!) 3) I thought he was a stalker/creeper who’d hacked into my information. Combining all these things in my already flustered mind, I hung up on him. After calling my home phone 3x as well as my cell phone another 3x, I was amused yet still freaked out, but after listening to my message I felt like a complete idiot as I could clearly hear the voice of my innocent yet not so innocent cousin overseas; yes, this is my first “blonde moment” of the day!

Another day spent volunteering at Akron Children’s was nothing short of amazing as I was reunited with my original Wednesday Locust desk buddies of whom I’ve learned to love beyond words. Errand running will always hold a special place in my heart, as the first thing I’d ever volunteered doing thus becoming my passion—the adventure awaiting each moment is priceless and beyond description, leaving my heart born for adventure pumping faster with every breath. After many errands up and down too many flights of stairs to count as well as endless trips to the Considine Building, I along with the girl I was training ran unexpectedly into several familiar faces of whose presence I could not deny as a “God thing”—there was no doubt in my mind that this very moment was predestined by the Almighty God of the Universe aka my Father. After talking/catching up and agreeing to take their stool (poop) specimen to the lab, since as a matter of fact that’s what we do, my fellow volunteer and I headed to the lab with the "poop at hand"! Heehee. After being turned down by the first lab, we took a trip to the outpatient lab where the attendant was completely freaked out by the stool aka poop; sheer horror overtook her face as she said “Eeew, no, we don’t do that” and kept grossing out on us; thoughts of the tests they run and samples they take every single day consumed my much-humored mind as we burst out into laughter after leaving the office. The experience, to say the least, was priceless and left me laughing throughout the day. After the second attempt at the first lab, with paperwork at hand, they accepted the stool samples we’d been carrying along with us around the hospital, everywhere we went—oh the joys of working in a hospital! ;)  Once we got back, we headed to training for our new computers programs being installed throughout the hospital; after accidentally coming across the room it was held in while meandering through each hallway as lost souls, pride overtook my mind as I didn’t want to follow directions since I’d already found the location once and was convinced I knew best. After dragging two other volunteers, both very doubtful as to my sense of direction, we ended up getting lost in one of the many hallways, so thus sought the directions we’d originally been given, leading us without any problems to the place we needed to be; my lesson for the day was to ASK for help which I so very much hate to do! Once we got back to the desk and I could finally relax, I checked my phone to see a text from my bff telling me she had a feeling I’d find out about the nursing program very soon; turns out that as soon as I checked my email, there it sat…the long awaited acceptance letter into the 2012 Fall Nursing Program at Kent Stark. Shock overtook my face and all of my volunteers just stared at me, wishing they had a camera to capture my reaction. In all honesty, it doesn’t seem real; after nineteen years or more of telling myself I’d NEVER be a nurse, I’m now enrolled as one of the fifty annual nursing students at Kent Stark, thus coming closer and closer within reach of the title BSN behind my name—it sounds scary! God deserves nothing less than total credit as none of this is possible in my own feeble strength. Why God chose me, I have no idea; I truly believe that the most beautiful gift I have been given is the chance to go through unthinkable pain because my eyes have been opened to a new level—truly no words can even begin to do justice the beauty of pain!

18 May 2012

Roller Coaster Ride

Slow down…possibly the hardest thing for this girl to do; I’m addicted to adrenaline and taking it easy is quite frankly the hardest thing for me to do. An oh so unwanted virus has entered my body, causing havoc this past week and resting was, to be honest, the last thing this daredevil wanted to do! It seems to be that ever since my body is recovered from Anorexia, I get sick much more often; maybe it’s just the fact that I can actually understand and listen to my body that has changed. Yesterday, after compromising my weakening immune system for far too long, I took a break, doing absolutely nothing all day except rest and hating every second of it; I had to keep telling myself it’s ok to rest every once in a while and not every day needs to be productive to counter the distortions running through my vulnerable mind. In a way, it was a relief to lie on the couch all day because I could barely get up without intense lightheadedness, migraines, nausea, and back pain pushing me back down, along with sore throat making it difficult to swallow as well as rotating episodes of fever and chills making it that much harder to get comfortable. As I’m sure you very well know, my greatest hatred is to show pain; I’ve learned to accept it and move on with my life in attempts to prohibit anything from slowing me down. When I heard that my youth group was going to Quail Hollow, my heart skipped a beat and I just couldn’t say no, despite what my body was saying; fresh air is so refreshing to my soul but when my body is fighting off illness, the wind and cold don’t feel quite as refreshing (who would’ve guessed? ;) )! The first thing we did was, of course, a sport! As much as I knew I shouldn’t play, I gave in by telling myself it’s not that bad (sound familiar?); while running to first base I started seeing spots and everything around me started to blend together in a blur; my teammates yelled “dive” (since they obviously knew me a little too well) but I replied with a sudden “I would but I feel like I’m going to throw up” leaving nothing but blank stares! I then decided I’d better not play and as much as my stubborn will wanted to keep going, my brain countered it by doing the opposite. The fresh air felt good and the company lifted my spirits, but unfortunately it was not enough to rid my body of this nasty virus.

Ok, I get it…you hate me- the very essence of my God created soul and being- and won’t be satisfied until there’s nothing left; sorry to “rain on your parade” devil, but this chick is not ok with that nor is her Father of the Universe who will at the least kick your sly little butt for attacking His Beloved Princess. The devil is a sly little booger who tries to steal my smile and genuine laughter, but it’s going to take a lot stronger ammunition to keep this fighter down. Today, at the verge of tears and wanting nothing more than to disappear, my God rescued me from the relentless attacks of the enemy to safety in His arms where He romanced me, His Beloved Princess and reminded me why I love Him oh so much!

This morning I awoke with anticipation and joy to see my twin sister again in exactly one week after six months completely apart from each other; I am so incredibly excited to bring her home, so I’ve been getting everything ready just as if I were bringing a newborn baby home! ;) lol I’ve gone a little crazy with the cleaning as our room and bathroom is absolutely spotless and thanks to my morning energy, our closet is now color coordinated and perfectly organized, which probably won’t last long! ;) I spent all morning putting winter clothes away and replacing their spots in the closet with our colorful and vibrant summer clothes- oh how I love summer!

When I got to ACH, something didn’t seem right; I was so excited to see everyone due to missing last week, but after some cruel untrue accusations aimed at my heart I wanted nothing more than to run to my closet and cry, where I’d be safe and no one could see my vulnerable and aching soul. As much as the devil wanted to take away my smile and laughter ever-present at Akron Children’s, God overpowered his wicked deeds and intentions by placing beauty around every corner. As I did my devotions at the desk, God revealed Himself to me in innumerable ways and opened my eyes to the fact that those living thousands of years before me faced the same trials and temptations yet God used them in miraculous ways to bring freedom and healing to this fallen land; contrary to my prior beliefs, He showed me that David, Solomon, Abraham, Esther and all of the other amazing people mentioned in the Bible were ordinary people just like me who chose to surrender to the incomprehensible power of the God Almighty. As I drenched myself in His word, He kept romancing me, taking away all my pain and healing my bleeding heart; a mother asked me to hold her newborn and I, of course, was not against that! To feel his chest rise and fall with each breath as he slept so soundly, snores escaping his precious little lips was healing to my wounded soul and revived in me the passion to change these children’s lives in any way I can by something as simple as love. As I sat at the desk, people kept affirming my undeserving self by words filled with love; affirmations speak to my soul and show me the beauty I cannot see in myself. I didn’t wear a flower in my hair today and boy did everybody notice- I guess they’ve gotten used to the bright pops of color and said the atmosphere was a little duller and less cheerful without it! To top off my day, just when I thought life couldn’t get any more beautiful, my Mixbooks I put my heart and soul into arrived looking more beautiful than I could have ever imagined. There is no doubt in my mind that my God loves me as He just keeps romancing me when I least expect it nonetheless deserve it.

As I sit here typing, I just got word that my long lost twin sister has just arrived in Columbus which is a miracle in itself due to the complications in the Himalayas; the government was shut down due to overthrowing and an intense hunger for power leading to riots breaking out across the land. God gave the team wisdom and led them to a hotel near the airport where safety and transportation surrounded them and brought them home safely with many stories to tell; I can’t quite imagine the atmosphere of five teams of missionaries in foreign lands reunited with each other after six months sounds- a part of me aches to be in the middle of the unimaginable excitement present around every corner but that is what keeps me patient for my turn in exactly one week! And to make things even sweeter, I get to spend a week with the team as well as many other friends at Bethel Camp as a videographer! Woohoo! Bring on the adventure!

13 May 2012

The Very Essence of Love

My na├»ve mind cannot fully comprehend why you, an innocent energetic child, have been allowed so much pain; if I could, in a heartbeat I would take your pain on myself because it kills me to see you like this. My heart breaks for the times of normal childhood you have missed out on and can never get back- times I have so taken for granted. You, my little neighbor friend are a courageous little man with unending potential and a passion worth fighting for. I don’t know why God allows such pain but I can tell you, my friend, from experience that this is the most life-changing experience you may ever receive; let the pain mold you into a valiant warrior by the God of the Universe who wants more for you than you could ever begin to imagine.
Love is what keeps my fragile heart beating- as I volunteer at ACH, the only reason I can find the strength to stand and move past the incomprehensible pain placed on such innocent and undeserving children is because of love-- I know that my God allows pain to draw us nearer to Him and to be molded into the creation He had in mind when He formed each and every individual, which is more beautiful than this world will ever know. As I held this child, severe burns covering her fragile and helpless body, my eyes fought back tears to see the relentless cruelty of this world on such undeserving children. The reason I could play with her for hours each Wednesday, without falling to my knees was because my heart was beating for the one chance I had to show an innocent and fragile child hated beyond comprehension a love she had never been given a chance to receive. As I helped her get dressed, wincing at the pain so obviously apparent on her severely wounded and compromised body, the only reason I could find the strength to stand was because of the passion God had placed in my heart, living within me. My heart absolutely shattered as I watched her struggle so intensely to move just a few inches due to the third degree burns, yet God put the pieces of my heart back together each and every time as I earned her trust and saw her smile for the very first time; to see a child wounded by her very own blood, untrusting to everyone she came in contact with due to expecting hatred after that’s all she had ever known crushed my soul yet God revived me each and every time to show her a love she’d never known—something so simple as a smile and my very own self. Each and every day, by the power of love, she began to drop her many defenses and was able to laugh and experience childhood for the first time. The power of love is underestimated; I truly believe it has the power and capacity to change the world.
To see my very own neighbor, younger than five years of age, change from beyond energetic and full of life to unable to move without vomiting and bruises covering his fragile and severely compromised body absolutely shatters my undeservingly privileged heart. I so wish I could take on your pain, “my little monster”, because it is not fair. To see you receive treatment after treatment, with sharp needles piercing your fragile skin time and time again giving you nutrients your body cannot produce but so vitally needs is more than I can comprehend; to see how lifeless and utterly miserable each treatment leaves you breaks my heart and penetrates to my soul. It breaks my heart that you too have become so accustomed to pain that it becomes a part of your normal microbiota; this is not how life was intended to look yet its reality. I will do whatever I can to help you through this pain because I know it will not last forever, my friend; keep fighting alongside the mightiest Warrior whose very name makes the demons flee. Stand in the rain until you discover the rainbow beyond the horizon; it cannot rain forever, no matter how dreary and hopeless the sky may appear.
On Saturday I am so privileged and excited to join the ACH volunteers, of whose hearts are more beautiful than description, in a banquet honoring our service. Somehow I’ve racked up over 250 hours of service; truly, it seems like only mere seconds as if given the chance I would spend my whole life there, surrounded by the atmosphere of vulnerability and REAL people with REAL struggles they’re not too ashamed to hide nor to admit that they do not have all of the answers; the atmosphere of pure and true love. I can only hope I’ve added to this atmosphere of which used to possess the power to make my knees tremble and banish every last speck of hope. The reason I volunteer is not to be known but merely the opposite- to serve in humbleness beyond my capability. I don’t want fame or fortune but merely want to change the world and am going to start by LOVE- the opposite of this fallen and cruel world.

07 May 2012

Beauty beyond measure

Oh summer, how I love you! I love the spontaneity of running after geese in my Sunday clothes before church so they don’t poop all over the yard and on my car; I was going to shoot them, but found out it’s illegal & the guns were hidden from me- the birds got lucky! Heehee. I love driving with the wind in my hair, sun on my face and belting out songs of praise while others just stare (probably in horror!); there was once a time when singing required too much energy for my fading self and could never be heard from my lips. God’s beauty is apparent everywhere I look and it amazes me.
This morning my mom and I went shopping for flowers and hit the jackpot! I had to guard our two ferns and three bright pink perennial hanging baskets with my life because at least three people tried to steal them from my grip; it actually quite amused me! As we were heading home, I received an email asking me to come ASAP to ACH to run the surgery desk if there was any possible way due to the daily volunteer taking off last minute; I got ready in less than ten minutes, ate a quick lunch & ran out the door. I got to the hospital in record time and immediately went up to the surgery floor to relieve the hostess. It was beyond awesome to see all of my friends who sit with me at the desk and to talk just like old times; I miss them beyond words and love every minute spent with these amazing people. I found out today that the process has once again been completely revamped, so I had to relearn everything and I love nothing more than a challenge! I actually love the way we do it, although sometimes it gets a little crazy with only one hostess and over sixty surgeries- I love crazy, however and it brings the best in me, most times. I was beyond ecstatic to see all of the doctors again and to interact with the families; I love the excitement on the surgery floor because excitement brings me alive beyond description.  Due to HIPAA rules, we now have to take the families back to a consult room; I guess the doctors must not be used to this because they kept telling me “I’m on the ball”, which encouraged me since it was my first time back in months and with the new process. I absolutely adore volunteering and today was nothing short of amazing; my heart was made to serve and loves nothing more than doing exactly that! It is such a crazy experience to go from being a patient in the hospital to helping deliver excellent care as a part of the hospital; the feeling is beyond description and so beautiful, for lack of words. I am beyond grateful God chose me out of all His children to go through so much pain, both physical and emotional because had I not, life wouldn’t be so beautiful because God had to break me and my stubborn desires; I feel such a connection to Akron Children’s Hospital and the patients in it because I know all too well what they’re going through and it makes my heart happy to be able to share in their pain, leading them to a hope not yet apparent. I didn’t want to leave the hospital today, in all honesty and felt so incredibly guilty leaving by 5:30 when families were still there; I absolutely love the surgery desk and it pains me to leave, but I can’t live there! ;) I think keys have something against me, because once again I could not get anything to lock up and was beyond flustered because I was in a hurry yet nothing was working! I finally just gave up, took the keys to the volunteer office and went on my way to my brother’s baseball practice.
I actually made it in time to pick him up and had fun watching the cute little boys playing baseball! I had such a special evening with my little brother as we got dinner and then painted pottery for Mother’s Day; don’t worry, I already told her since she literally called me five times making sure we weren’t dead! Lol. I love to paint pottery, but Miss Perfectionism seems to make her strong and bold appearance into my life as soon as my feet enter the pottery place, making it hard to fully enjoy the experience. My brother was so cute as he painted in such a carefree manner, which to be honest kind of frustrated me because I couldn’t get my own project done due to stripping his project several times so he could restart; all in all we did have a fun bonding time, but stress definitely made its appearance! It’s funny to see such a stark contrast between the two of us: I am such a perfectionist in most everything I do whereas my brother is the complete opposite! I love all of the differences in the world and it’s so neat to see how no two people are alike, even siblings.
God is insane an way beyond my comprehension; even though I stumbled and fell into the grips of control, God still blessed me with straight A’s which I in no way deserve. I gave this semester my all, sometimes more, and it all paid off! It’s hard to imagine that I could hear back from the Nursing program at any moment and it doesn’t in any way seem real. This past year of school has been brutal but more than worth the hard work; life seems to be a fairytale and everyday seems to be like walking on sunshine. Oh how I love this life, even when it hurts more than I ever thought possible.
My twin comes home so soon- in exactly eighteen days and excited doesn’t even begin to describe how I feel; we’ve been separated completely for six months yet I feel closer than ever. I cannot wait to go back to the SEND house to get her and to see all of the friends we’ve both made. People bring out the best in me and there’s no doubt in my mind that I was not made to be alone; in fact, God created woman because He knew “it was not good for man to be alone”, so I’m not the only one! I can’t wait to see what beauty tomorrow has in store! 

04 May 2012


REJECTEDflat out rejected; devil, how does it feel? I personally like throwing you and your stupid lies straight to the ground into the depths of this eroding world; you’re stuck here while I dance with Jesus on golden streets and become His bride. It saddens me that you have chosen this evil and disgusting path, but it's never too late to turn around. What else do I need when the God of the universe is my bridegroom, waiting for me because He loves me just that much; my small mind cannot fathom this unspeakable glory but my heart leaps at the thought of wearing white, pure white and a crown of jewels too marvelous to imagine. I, as helpless and undeserving as I am, get to share in the splendor of the King in His kingdom being perfected just for me, His child and bride.
The reason I say the devil is rejected is because, I am so excited to say, that as much as I wanted to give in to his lies I DIDN’T but instead ran the opposite way into the open arms of my Lover who has never left my side, even when all I could do was crawl in agony toward the unseen. As I’ve mentioned earlier, I’ve acquired yet another illness which quite frankly sucks and consumes me with pain. For the past several weeks I’ve felt physically drained and just plain sick but completely disregarded it until several days ago I could no longer do so; it had gotten to the point where the pain and college stress was hindering me from eating intuitively and listening to the needs of my body, which ED of course loved; he was loving every minute of an empty stomach and the thought of shedding a few pounds. Sitting around truly does not come easy for me, but with studying I've had to force myself. Bloating, nausea, fatigue and pain in general have become my companions over these last weeks. I was vulnerable and he, the sly devil took advantage of it. These past weeks have been absolutely brutal as the competition of becoming one of the fifty nursing students annually is nearing a close yet not losing an ounce of its steam. God seemed so distant yet so close; at times I felt alone on this journey without a sense of direction leading me back into the arms of my Warrior; no, He never left—it was just me trying to take control and do it all. I brought this hemorrhoid upon myself from worrying too much leading to excessive studying, meaning oh so much sitting which I’ve realized my body does not like; I think this was God’s way of slowing me down and giving it all up in complete surrender which I’ve learned is something He treasures and uses for strength. Quite frankly, I don’t deserve to call myself one of the fifty accepted because on my own I am nothing more than dust; if I do get accepted, it is completely by the gracious hand of God who loves me with a love beyond any comprehension still of this world. God does not view the world through eyes expecting perfection, unlike me, but knows that because of the fall of mankind I am prone to sin and incapable on my own strength to be all I was intended to be. I see this as beautiful because the absolute only way I can become the radiant warrior He created me to be is by seeking Him; I am strongest when I am at His feet, being molded into the perfect image of Love Himself.
I am relieved beyond description that finals are over and I actually have time to breathe and care for my long abandoned self. Every time finals come around, something goes wrong; it seems like a whirlwind trying to pull me away from God, my strength and only sense of hope. Last year my computer stopped working and this year it was my iPod; you may not think this is of any disadvantage, but in my eyes it is just one more obstacle trying to redirect my footsteps from God. Music is a way of expressing myself and feeling God’s presence throughout the entire day; with His words consuming my mind, there is nothing too big and the things of this world don’t seem to matter anymore.
Today, as I was once again tempted relentlessly to disregard my body and the cues it so willingly gives me, I chose to take the hard way by drenching myself in truth. As I see others around me punishing themselves for falling short of perfection yet still striving for that ever intensifying and hopeless dream, I am reminded that I too have been there and have never felt more miserable and utterly hopeless in my life. As I picture this girl, wounded and alone, I see God beckoning me toward Him as He shows me what He sees; our standards look nothing similar but are indeed complete opposites. When I see ugly and beyond love, this is what God sees and reminds me of:
Dear Child,

You may not know me, but I know everything about you. (Psalm 139:1) I know when you sit down and when you rise up. ( Psalm 139:2) I am familiar with all your ways. (Psalm 139:3) Even the very hairs on your head are numbered. (Matthew 10:29-31)For you were made in my image. (Genesis 1:27) In me you live and move and have your being. (Acts 17:28) For you are my offspring. (Acts 17:28) I knew you even before you were conceived. (Jeremiah 1:4-5) I chose you when I planned creation. (Ephesians 1:11-12) You were not a mistake, for all your days are written in my book. (Psalm 139:15-16) I determined the exact time of your birth and where you would live. (Acts 17:26) You are fearfully and wonderfully made. (Psalm 139:14) I knit you together in your mother's womb. (Psalm 139:13) And brought you forth on the day you were born. (Psalm 71:6) I have been misrepresented by those who don't know me. (John 8:41-44) I am not distant and angry, but am the complete expression of love. (1 John 4:16) And it is my desire to lavish my love on you. (1 John 3:1) Simply because you are my child and I am your Father. (1 John 3:1) I offer you more than your earthly father ever could. (Matthew 7:11) For I am the perfect father. (Matthew 5:48) Every good gift that you receive comes from my hand. (James 1:17) For I am your provider and I meet all your needs. (Matthew 6:31-33)My plan for your future has always been filled with hope. (Jeremiah 29:11) Because I love you with an everlasting love.  (Jeremiah 31:3) My thoughts toward you are countless as the sand on the seashore.(Psalms 139:17-18) And I rejoice over you with singing. (Zephaniah 3:17) I will never stop doing good to you. (Jeremiah 32:40) For you are my treasured possession. (Exodus 19:5) I desire to establish you with all my heart and all my soul. (Jeremiah 32:41) And I want to show you great and marvelous things. (Jeremiah 33:3) If you seek me with all your heart, you will find me. (Deuteronomy 4:29) Delight in me and I will give you the desires of your heart. (Psalm 37:4) For it is I who gave you those desires. (Philippians 2:13) I am able to do more for you than you could possibly imagine. (Ephesians 3:20) For I am your greatest encourager. (2 Thessalonians 2:16-17) I am also the Father who comforts you in all your troubles. (2 Corinthians 1:3-4) When you are brokenhearted, I am close to you. (Psalm 34:18) As a shepherd carries a lamb, I have carried you close to my heart. (Isaiah 40:11) One day I will wipe away every tear from your eyes. (Revelation 21:3-4) And I'll take away all the pain you have suffered on this earth. (Revelation 21:3-4)I am your Father, and I love you even as I love my son, Jesus. (John 17:23) For in Jesus, my love for you is revealed.  (John 17:26) He is the exact representation of my being. (Hebrews 1:3) He came to demonstrate that I am for you, not against you. (Romans 8:31) And to tell you that I am not counting your sins. (2 Corinthians 5:18-19) Jesus died so that you and I could be reconciled. (2 Corinthians 5:18-19) His death was the ultimate expression of my love for you. (1 John 4:10) I gave up everything I loved that I might gain your love. (Romans 8:31-32) If you receive the gift of my son Jesus, you receive me. (1 John 2:23)And nothing will ever separate you from my love again. (Romans 8:38-39) Come home and I'll throw the biggest party heaven has ever seen. (Luke 15:7) I have always been Father, and will always be Father.(Ephesians 3:14-15)
My question is… Will you be my child? (John 1:12-13) I am waiting for you. (Luke 15:11-32)

Love, Your Dad
Almighty God

03 May 2012


Hello world; where have you been or I guess the real question is “Where have I been?”! As I look around, I am amazed at the beauty still apparent when I take the time to slow down and look at it. I feel like I’ve been living on a different planet lately and quite frankly, it saddens me; I knew nursing school would consume my life, but now it’s becoming reality and it’s not very fun! ;) I miss the freedom which I once possessed! You know, I am exhausted; I’ve been holding on so tightly to my dream, which actually isn’t even mine but God’s! It’s hard for me to completely trust Him, but when I think about it, that’s stupid because HE is the one who put this dream in my heart; I never thought I’d actually want to be a nurse but God completely turned my thoughts around, so why would He take it away? Even if He does take it away, it’s not the end of the world; there are so many more things I can do and black and white no longer defines me, although it likes to sneak in and distort my fragile mind. I’ve come so close to nursing and it honestly scares me; I’m afraid to lose it yet I’m afraid to go on. I wish I could lay in God’s muscular arms and feel His tight grip around me, never letting me go and comforting my aching body; I long to sit at His feet and glance in awe of His beauty beyond comprehension. I cannot wait to see the scars which pierced my Lord’s hands and feet and to see that we have something in common- we both have scars and I no longer find that demeaning; I want to touch His scars and feel His gentle fingers touching the scar along my back. I love to dream of this day and it is what keeps me going; nothing of this world defines me and I could lose it all- everything on this earth.
I’ve been striving so hard to accomplish all I can but I just have to surrender each and every second because so quickly my heart can change and long for control without me even recognizing; my heart is beyond my own comprehension. I wish surrender would come easier, but then I guess it wouldn’t be as special. So many times I am thrown to my knees, but that is where I find God; as much as the enemy tells me I’ve failed, he’s the one who’s failed because on my knees I am the strongest because GOD is the one fighting! If being on my knees is what it takes for my stubborn soul to surrender to the God of the universe, then I will go there as many times as it takes until surrender becomes so intertwined into my soul and routine.
This semester has been brutal and it seems like a mere dream…too good to be true that it’s over. The perfectionist side in me is freaking out; with her there’s always something I failed at which is beyond frustrating. As hard as it is to fight against the monster of perfectionism as she tells me only A’s are acceptable, I’m trying; I know that whatever my grades, my future is in the hands of the Creator and no human effort can ever compare to the significance of everything He does without any effort at all. No, surrender is not easy but it’s the only way to true life and happiness; if surrender takes me somewhere other than nursing, then I will continue to follow because nothing is greater and more liberating than a life free of worry and consumed by love. Wherever God calls me, I will follow; this battle is not over and this stubborn competitor is not giving up! I will keep running the race with God at my side, carrying me when my legs can no longer support my weight. Pride, there is no room in my life for you although you like to squeeze in, removing other necessities so your stubborn and ugly self can take a place in my soul.
The past couple of weeks I have been struggling with sickness which I know come from stress suppressing my immune system; sometimes I forget how it feels to live without physical pain and it once again becomes normal. My sinuses hate me as well as many other body parts; after finally refusing to deny the pain, I’ve come to the conclusion that I have a hemorrhoid which is beyond embarrassing and the opposite of fun; oh college, you bring so many new adventures! Lol  I guess this is my body’s way of crying out to me to stop studying; I feel like a walking textbook and don’t quite know what to do with all this time for myself. It’s time to do things for myself which has become so foreign. Oh, and my twin sister comes home in exactly twenty-one days; how will I contain myself?! I cannot wait to hold her in my arms and talk to her face to face!! The bed beside my own will finally be filled with a human- oh how beautiful! It’s ME time now; hello world, I’m back!