10 May 2014

The Cry of My Heart


Sometimes I just hate Your plan, for how could You allow such unthinkable pain to overtake me once again? I am too weary to stand, God. I want to believe You are using this inconceivable pain to transform me and bring me closer to Your perfection, but right now these mountains just seem too insurmountable for words. God, I write this with a waterfall of tears raging from within me, for this pain is too much for me to bear on my own. Lord, You are the only one who knows the intentions of my heart and hears the desperation in my adamant cry. These past two and a half weeks have been far beyond brutal, as everything—my entire flesh—is being stripped of me and replaced with Your perfection. God, this stripping hurts more than words and most times I want nothing more than to shrink back in fear and fall captive once again to the comforting pains of anorexia but I can’t fight You; the harder I fight against you, the louder ED’s voice rages and the closer to death I become. As food, what has become my greatest fear and indisputable enemy is literally forced down my throat in what one may see as gluttonous amounts, I want nothing more than to run away—to dig a hole and hide from this inconceivable pain. As the weight, according to my anorexic mind, swiftly rolls on in unhealthy amounts while I helplessly lie here in bed, I want nothing more than to find refuge in Your strong and muscular arms and to feel the holes in your palms—the holes formed so I can find refuge and comfort in You. Maybe this pain isn't so bad—compared to the implausible pain Jesus so willingly suffered for my sake. When it feels as if my neglected stomach will explode from the entrance of one more calorie, I must remember the pain Jesus walked through simply so I could be FREE of all pain and suffering.

“They will see his face, and his name will be on their foreheads. And night will be no more. They will need no light of lamp or sun, for the Lord God will be their light, and they will reign forever and ever.”  Revelation 22: 4-5
“For I consider that the sufferings of this present time are not worth comparing with the glory that is to be revealed to us.”  Romans 8:18
God, sometimes it just doesn't feel fair. I asked for my hospital stay to be extended because I didn't trust myself and desired freedom above all else, but this has been taken advantage of and I wonder where the depths of my small voice have disappeared to—why can no doctor hear them? Am I invisible to them and simply a patient of which to test and prod—a patient without a voice and succumbed to self-destruction? When will they hear my voice and I be able to play a part in the decision-making process rather than destined to the standard textbook treatments of which prevent the unique psychological aspects of my being from consideration? God, help me to see Your face in this unquenchable pain so I may gain inconceivable strength to walk through this fire relentlessly raging against my tender and paper thin flesh. Strengthen me, for I am too weak to stand. As each thought of food brings me to my end, give me the strength to overcome these temptations to restrict and once again fall captive to the comforting sensations of starvation and a desolate stomach. Keep my mind off of the oppressive discomfort my body displays as it fights to survive, not yet convinced it’s safe to trust me after all of the pain I've so willingly put it through. Lord, be my Strength, for I have none left.

“For because he himself has suffered when tempted, he is able to help those who are being tempted.”  Hebrews 2:18
Just as You endured temptation,  give me victory and help me to walk in the path of your commands and live in the strength of Your will; lead me in Your everlasting ways for I don’t want to live outside of Your ways.

No temptation has overtaken you that is not common to man. God is faithful, and he will not let you be tempted beyond your ability, but with the temptation he will also provide the way of escape, that you may be able to endure it.  1 Corinthians 10:13
As this feeding tube rigorously gags me and I desire nothing more than to rip it out from within the depths of my once abandoned stomach, give me the strength to overcome this temptation. Help me to believe the words of 1 Corinthians 10:13: “No temptation has overtaken you that is not common to man. God is faithful, and he will not let you be tempted beyond your ability, but with the temptation he will also provide the way of escape, that you may be able to endure it”.  Help me not to fight these hands that are holding me and swallowed the grave in order to give me life. Lord, may the words of 1 Peter 5: 9-10 become true for even me.

“Resist him, firm in your faith, knowing that the same kinds of suffering are being experienced by your brotherhood throughout the world. And after you have suffered a little while, the God of all grace, who has called you to his eternal glory in Christ, will himself restore, confirm, strengthen, and establish you.”

04 May 2014

Self Denial

“There is no magic cure, no making it all go away forever. There are only small steps upward; an easier day, an unexpected laugh, a mirror that doesn't matter anymore (Unknown)”.
“Weight (too much or too little) is a by-product. Weight is what happens when you use food to flatten your life. Even with aching joints, it's not about food. Even with arthritis, diabetes, high blood pressure. It's about your desire to flatten your life. It's about the fact that you've given up without saying so. It's about your belief that it's not possible to live any other way -- and you're using food to act that out without ever having to admit it (Geneen Roth).”
“I’ve never had anorexia, but I know it well. I see it on the street, in the gaunt and sunken face, the boney chest, the spindly arms of an emaciated woman. I’ve come to recognize the flat look of despair, the hopelessness that follows, inevitably, from years of starvation. I think: That could have been [me]. It wasn’t. It’s not (Harriet Brown).”
Why have You called me to such a daunting task—a task so far beyond my own capability and even comprehension. Relentless pain has become an ever-present part of my microbiota as You’re teaching me to fully trust and relinquish control because without doing so this inconceivable battle will be the death of me. Why have You chosen my fragile soul to endure such unthinkable pain, I wonder as I prepare to surrender all dignity and be tube fed—my worst nightmare. As the thought of even a single calorie paralyzes me with adamant fear and weight gain becomes inevitable, I am forced to simply sit back and watch as literally thousands of calories are forced down my throat and emotional support is nowhere to be found but instead replaced with unending time to sit & dwell on continual and debilitating anxieties since all activity is restricted and these same four walls have become my home for the past two weeks.
“What if I'm so broken I can never do something as basic as feed myself? Do you realize how twisted that is? It amazes me sometimes that humans still exist. We're just animals, after all. And how can an animal get so removed from nature that it loses the instinct to keep itself alive (Amy Reed)?”
 This is why I must run to God, my ever-present Refuge because without His strength I could not go on, as this battle so far exceeds my own incompetent ability. As I’m forced to order each meal despite the ruthless temptations to restrict and give in to the comforting pains of starvation, I must cling to my Savior, knowing He is my only hope and the One Who holds the keys to unlock this heart of stone. ED’s voice rages as my body continues to regain its strength, sometimes raging so ferociously I wonder if I can even withstand it; this is why I asked to remain in the hospital longer—because I knew if I were to go home I would be my biggest threat, giving in to the comfort of starvation and protruding bones since my flesh is incomprehensibly weak. “We turn skeletons into goddesses and look to them as if they might teach us how not to need (Marya Hornbacher).” Even though the hospital is the last place on earth I want to spend my weeks, restricted by the countless wires camouflaging my fading body and under the complete control of the countless doctors, I know I must deny myself, taking up my cross to follow Christ since this is not the life I want to live—in fact, it’s no life at all. I don’t want to spend the rest of my life captive to the debilitating fear of food and admiration of the nonexistence of starvation but instead have measureless hopes and dreams which are rapidly fading away as I approach death’s horizon.
“I breathe in slowly. Food is life. I exhale, take another breath. Food is life. And that's the problem. When you're alive, people can hurt you. It's easier to crawl into a bone cage or a snowdrift of confusion. It's easier to lock everybody out. But it's a lie (Laurie Halse Anderson).”

Each second of every day I must fight against my flesh—fight to survive—since my very own presence has become my worst enemy and biggest threat. I must learn to take each thought captive and make it obedient to Christ, as well as crucify my flesh so I may gain life. As the battle rages on, I am clinging to the hope that it won’t always be this hard but these present troubles are simply “light and momentary”, “producing a glory that vastly outweighs them all and will last forever (2 Corinthians 4:17)”. “Whoever finds their life will lose it, and whoever loses their life for my sake will find it (Matthew 10:39)”. Yes, I must lose my life, giving up control, in order to find it.