Surrender

Well it’s been far too long since I’ve written; it’s hard to believe a month has already almost flown by—where does the time go? In just a couple of weeks, we will be celebrating Thanksgiving and then Christmas—how crazy! With Thanksgiving so rapidly approaching and it being such a HUGE tradition in my family, as we celebrate Christmas on Thanksgiving so the entire family can be together for at least one holiday, I find myself reminiscing about the past years and the life anorexia has robbed me of. For the past four or so years, I have been absent from our huge Thanksgiving celebration, spending the holiday in either a hospital bed or treatment facility. Last year my family had to come visit me in the hospital, where machines kept me alive so I could survive to see another year; never did I imagine the struggle would be this long or this intense, but honestly, I wouldn’t have it any other way because God is teaching me in profound ways just what freedom in Christ REALLY looks like; I am learning that Surrender truly is the ONLY way to life. I’ve had to literally force myself to surrender—humbly falling to the ground and allowing God to re-frame my faulty thoughts/desires to align them with His Truth so we can become One. On my own, I cannot force myself to eat enough to survive; left to my own fleshly desires, I would literally starve to death. The world may never understand this and quite frankly, they don’t need to, but once malnutrition and anorexia join hands, they become a nearly impenetrable force; in fact, I’ve found that worldly strength cannot even begin to make a dent in its armor. A force so strong requires something far superior—a greater power not of this world. All of the worldly “tools” I’ve been taught to depend on are useless without the Hope of Christ and try to convince me that I will ALWAYS be a slave to anorexia’s chains because they leave out the most vital part—Christ. They are right: apart from Christ there is NO hope but even the smallest grain of faith in Christ is greater than the weapons of the enemy. Matthew 17:20 says, “Truly I tell you, if you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you can say to this mountain, ‘Move from here to there,’ and it will move. Nothing will be impossible for you.”

 I’m discovering that we were not created to get through this life on our own strength and trying to do so leads to absolute hopelessness and relentless depression. We were made for God’s pleasure and glory—to ultimately bring Him glory and praise. There is no joy apart from Him and His words are true, unchanging and forever relevant; it’s hard to believe that no matter how many times I turn to the exact same verse, it has the potential to speak to me in a completely different way but I’m discovering that it is profoundly true. And just as the Truth of the Bible stays the same, so does the fact that on this earth we are all subject to temptations, trials and pain—just as they were in the beginning of time. To think that we can get through life on our own is madness…complete madness. At COPE, there is no hope because there is neglect of the entire being of humanity; there is no spiritual aspect and the mental aspect only grazes the surface of the root issues. By forcing anorexics to consume unnatural amounts of food in a short time period in order to restore massive amounts of weight  without acknowledging the true battlefield—the mind—you are setting them up for failure. True freedom requires restoration of ALL aspects: SPIRIT, SOUL AND BODY—not simply body! At COPE they teach us to do simply that—to cope or just get by with the struggle; it is forever present according to their teachings. However, that is the difference between a worldly view and a Spiritual view; “apart from God we can do nothing”.

The past few weeks I’ve been “flying by the seat of my pants”, testing each boundary to its absolute limit so I can just get by through life. Honestly, I forgot the feeling of true joy and tried to convince myself this was normal—that joy was something I’d never again experience. Why? Because “the joy of the Lord is my strength” and I wanted anything but to surrender, giving up my comfort and having to face my pain head on. The world will never know just how much easier it is to stay a slave to anorexia once it’s become your identity and comfort in life; having to face and deal with the pain head on, fully bearing its overpowering sensations is the most painful and excruciating thing I’ve ever experienced. In order to experience joy, I must fully embrace and experience all other emotions—including the negative ones. I must also re-train my brain to view food as life-giving rather than life-threatening and allow myself to enjoy life rather than punishment. All the changes, both physical and mental, are exhausting but I’m tired of choosing the easy way. In His own timing, God has been gradually changing me, softening my heart to receive His truth and unconditional love. I’ve been able to stay out of the hospital by the “skin of my teeth”, every appointment on the very tip of the edge just waiting to fall. I’m tired of living this way, though; the constant fear and anxiety is paralyzing and I realize I am not destined or deserving of this punishment but rather of enjoying life and experiencing freedom. Slowly I’ve been allowing myself to experience these positive sensations rather than subjecting myself to the pain of punishment and negativity. Last Tuesday we had a missionary from China speak at our church and the presence of God filling the room was truly life-changing; I almost didn’t go, which I know was the devil trying to keep me away from the one thing that would give me strength. As he shared his story—of how true and undeniable miracles such as walking on broken legs straight through the armed and guarded doors of prison took place—it hit me that this SAME power is available to me! I’ve had many times since then of resorting back to the desires of my flesh, but the difference is every time I’ve chosen to GET BACK UP rather than remain a helpless victim. Yesterday I volunteered at Akron Children’s Hospital and started my new assignment of chaperoning special guests through the hospital, visiting each patient if they so desire. For Halloween, the University of Akron’s football team brought a wagon loaded with homegrown pumpkins to carve with the children. I took them up to the sixth floor playroom, where several patients, IVs and all, along with their parents sat around the miniature kid-sized tables. We split up, some gowning up to visit isolation rooms and burn unit, while the rest of us entertained the children in the playroom. It was quite a show to see these massive, intimidating football players obey the commands of the small, innocent children as they instructed the athletes how to carve each unique pumpkin. The kids were repulsed by the gooey slimy “guts” of the pumpkin—well all except one; one child was so enthralled with this new “toy” that she kept asking her mom to replace the “guts” so she could scoop it back out—the excitement in her voice by such a simple thing was truly captivating. Anyway, I got gloves for the other children and yes, football players, which solved the problem. During the few hours we were there, more children from different floors trickled down to receive their “shot” at instructing a large football player how to carve their “dream” pumpkin. Some stuck (no pun intended) with the ideal and tidier stickers to decorate their pumpkin, while others drew the most intricate of designs on the pumpkin for the football players to carve; it was amazing to see their massive hands used for such intricate and detailed work! It made my day to see the absolute excitement and joy overtake each suffering child’s face and I was reminded of what life is really about—service. One boy had never carved a pumpkin before, so was beyond ecstatic to have his first completed by a “celebrity” in his small mind; he completed his treasure with the autograph of every “celebrity”, which much to my surprise included even me; it made my heart happy to be seen as a “celebrity” through the eyes of a child, reminding me just how important each action is—no matter how small! Overall, it was an amazing and fulfilling day of spontaneity, which I am discovering is more effective than planning out every single detail. “In their hearts humans plan their course, but the LORD establishes their steps (Proverbs 16:9)”. 

The same well-trained hands used to catch a football were used to intricately carve a small child's pumpkin. 

Notice the pumpkin "guts" present in front of this smiling child. 

Lots of laughter and light-hearted conversation filled the playroom. 

Refeeding Syndrome

God’s ways are so much higher than my own; never in my wildest dreams could I have planned a more beautiful and rewarding day! Today (9/7) I was scheduled to orient to a new volunteer position at Akron Children’s Hospital in the Kay Jewelers Pavilion Outpatient Surgery but ironically my plans ended up being spontaneously interrupted by God’s supreme plans far exceeding my own. I arrived at the volunteer office several minutes early, only to find the person I was meeting had not yet arrived. Another volunteer informed me of the health fair that was taking place over in the Considine Building and happened to mention that they were giving free flu shots, which are required for all hospital volunteers and employees, so I promptly checked in, put my belongings in a locker and informed the volunteer office of where I was going so it wasn’t thought that I’d skipped my appointment. So, I started the long trek from the Locust building to the first floor of the Considine Building, noticing each familiar “landmark” with awe and greeting each passerby with an enthusiastic and genuinely excited smile. Yes, there was a certain “spring” to my step as I recalled why I love this place so dearly—but only when I’m not the patient! ;) jk. Anyway, when I arrived to my destination, the fair was just beginning and vendors still setting up, so I looked around briefly until my darting eyes caught a glimpse of the sign for employee health, where the flu shots were being given. I quickly scrambled to get in line and thankfully was one of the first “victims”; I watched as the pre-filled syringes were taken from the cooler and carefully organized on top of a table already covered with alcohol swabs, band-aids and all other medical necessities and as each “victim” before me took their place in the designated chair, my heart grew increasingly anxious to just get it over with, as I think I’m more fond of giving shots than I am of receiving them! Once my turn arrived, I filled out the paperwork, took off my jacket and exposed my left bicep and waited for the dreaded “poke” and subsequent burning sensation, which I usually imagine is worse than it actually is. The nurse firmly squeezed my left bicep with one hand and quickly “jabbed” me with the other hand; as the sharp needle penetrated through my skin, I immediately tensed up, which just prolonged the process since the medicine couldn’t flow through contracted veins and would thus become sore in the hours to come. Once the medicine had been injected and the wound covered up with a band-aid, I gathered my things and began browsing each booth. The first booth I stopped at “conned” me into spinning a wheel in hopes of winning a prize, which I thought to be exceedingly unlikely but ended up winning a $5 gift certificate to the gift shop, which I couldn’t have been more excited about! They then gave me a cute cinch backpack with the Akron Children’s logo, which I then stuffed with miscellaneous other goodies found throughout, such as pens, hand sanitizers, informational pamphlets and lanyards. Once all booths were visited, I headed back over to the volunteer office, where I was expecting to orient to the new position I’d agreed to. On the way over, I was excitedly greeted with familiar faces by workers who had become my family after frequent hospital admissions as well as volunteer experiences; when you know nearly the whole hospital staff by name, you know you’ve been there too much! ;) lol. When I arrived at my destination, I was pleasantly surprised to find out the volunteer scheduled to run the main hospital surgery desk never showed up, leaving the staff desperate to find a replacement—not to mention in short notice time! Frantically, they turned to me to see if I’d be willing to run the desk, as I’d done in the years before—although they’d made a lot of improvements since then. I reluctantly agreed to be spontaneous and give it a try, pushing aside my fears of making a fool of myself and screwing everything up. As we arrived at my long lost home—the fourth floor surgery desk—the atmosphere instantly brightened as all of the familiar faces looked at me in shock and confusion, wondering where I’d been and how I was! Instantly all my fears of inadequacy dissipated into the mists of the chaotic air, as I relived the comforting and familiar duty of being the surgery desk attendant. I immediately jumped into the chaos and began answering phone calls, registering families and doing my best to answer questions. Once things had settled down and become more under control, the volunteer coordinator left to take the Chick-fil-A cow to each floor and I was left alone to run the desk. As surgeries were finished, I called the families up to put them in a private room to talk to the surgeon and wrote the surgeon’s name outside the door so the families and surgeons could talk in private. I also registered the families of the patients who had just been taken to surgery and explained to them that I’d call them once the surgery was finished so they could talk to the surgeon and so if they needed to leave the floor for any reason, to notify me so I could give them a pager to get ahold of them. Once they met with the surgeon, phase one recovery would call me to bring two family members back to see the child once he/she had woken up from anesthesia and was stabilized. I absolutely love the busy atmosphere of the surgery desk, as it keeps me on my toes and makes time fly by! The shift was over before I knew it, making me long to do it again! Once my replacement arrived and I updated her on all the surgeries and such, I signed out and grabbed lunch, which all volunteers get for free—yet another perk of being an Akron Children’s Hospital volunteer!! ;) Overall, it was an absolutely amazing day and I couldn’t have planned it better! It was beyond exciting to see familiar faces of those I’d formed such good relationships with and become close to!

Later that night, after I got home from volunteering, I started feeling ill and my arm was extremely sore and black and blue where I’d received my flu shot; being the minimizer that I am, I thought nothing of it and just went to bed early to hopefully sleep off the achy feeling and generalized weakness. During the night, however, I awoke several times with extreme nausea leading to emesis, diarrhea and a fever; I was so achy and weak that I couldn’t move and instantly knew something was wrong; I had agreed to volunteer early that morning with the superheroes who were making their appearance in the hospital but sadly it didn’t look like I’d be able to follow through due to illness, so I emailed the volunteer coordinator to let her know what was going on. I was looking so forward to visiting the patients’ rooms and seeing their faces light up at the sight of all ten superheroes but my plans were once again different from those God had in store for me; instead of volunteering, I ended up spending the entire day cooped up inside the house in order to allow my body the rest it desperately needed to recover from its suffering. I was supposed to get my labs drawn, as well, so we had to call my doctor to let her know what was going on; she suspected I had a reaction to the flu shot and told me to stay hydrated and come in the next morning for labwork to make sure everything was ok. So, I did as I was told and spent the whole day either sleeping on the couch or in my bed, with my good old water bottle right beside me, keeping me hydrated. As bedtime approached, I had a feeling I should pack my bag for a possible admission, because it always seems like when I least expect it I end up being admitted, so it’s better to be safe than sorry! I grabbed extra clothing, glasses, shampoo and conditioner, cosmetics and toiletries, my laptop and cords, Kindle fire and cell phone chargers, Sudoku, Bible, The Purpose Driven Life, my journal, word searches, coloring books, twistables, gel pens and all other things I thought I might need to keep me entertained and then headed to bed, fully at peace with whatever God had in store for me.

This morning I awoke feeling much better: I no longer had a fever, could move my arm and the achiness/weakness that had consumed me was no longer existent. As I got ready for my doctor’s appointment, the anxiety of the unknown once again overtook me; would I have to be admitted? I felt good! But, was this just because I’d gotten so used to feeling like crap that I no longer noticed it? Once we arrived at the hospital, we immediately bee-lined it for the outpatient lab, afraid it’d be packed and we’d have to wait for hours; much to our surprise however, there were only two other families present and in no time they called me back to have my blood drawn and the specimen was sent to the lab to be tested. We then made our way to the adolescent clinic to tell them we’d done my bloodwork and then headed over to the gift shop to do some shopping with the gift card I’d won. It was SO much fun to just look around at all the goodies and of course, my eyes were drawn to the bling; I looked through the rows of earrings and instantly fell in love with a pair of dangly diamond crosses which made all the other pairs look insignificant, and took my prized discovery up to the register to purchase them. After that, my mom of course wanted to stop at her favorite place in the hospital—the coffee stand—and we bought her favorite latte. I then put my new earrings in and we found seats in the newly reconstructed lounge area overlooking the playground and breathtaking scenery; it was a breath of fresh air to see the sun shining on the green grass, amidst the fall flowers and corn stalks—much more engaging and pleasant than the painted walls in the adolescent clinic! As we talked and played on our phones, it was encouraging to simply have this time of mother-daughter bonding and I couldn’t help but think how undeservedly blessed I am with the absolute best family! They have been through hell with me, literally watching me die and not knowing if I’d make it another second, but never once have they left my side or given up on me, which is more than I could ever ask for! Truly words cannot even begin to express how grateful I am for all they’ve so selflessly done and continue to do for me; all I know is I am blessed far beyond what I deserve! 

Anyway, once it’d been about an hour since the bloodwork had been taken, we headed back to the adolescent clinic to receive the results. The doctor took a seat beside me and kindly reported that she could tell I’ve really been trying and doing much better; all my labs were within normal range except for my phosphorous, which had dropped within the danger zone as I’d started eating again. She explained that this is often seen in refeeding syndrome, which is a “metabolic complication that occurs when nutritional support is given to severely malnourished patients. Metabolism shifts from a catabolic to an anabolic state. Insulin is released on carbohydrate intake, triggering cellular uptake of potassium, phosphate, and magnesium.” Since my body has no reserves to pull from, the increased demand for phosphorous resulted in a critical drop; in order to keep me from potentially dying from refeeding syndrome, which can result as the brain literally swells out of the skull due to critical drops in phosphorous as well as other fatal complications resulting from the electrolyte shifts, I agreed to be hospitalized so they could monitor my labs, making sure my phosphorous didn’t drop any lower as we continue to increase my intake; this has to be done very slowly and cautiously, making sure to closely monitor my vitals, blood, and watch for any bodily changes in swelling, etc which can occur at any moment during refeeding if it isn’t done correctly. It makes me feel good to know that they are taking such precautions to keep anything from happening since refeeding syndrome is such a risk and often times is fatal. My doctor said not to look at this as a setback but rather as a sign of progress—that they can obviously tell I’ve been working extremely hard and want to take extra precautions so all the progress and positive ground I’ve gained isn’t lost, so I can have my surgery sooner and get on with my life! Everyone has been so supportive; since 6200 is being remodeled, I am up on 8200 even though there is no cardiac monitoring; my doctor agreed to let the cardiac monitors go since my potassium is well within normal range and I’ve been doing so well, which is a positive! The staff has been exceedingly encouraging, saying things like “keep up the good work” and “keep working so hard”, which is refreshing to hear; it’s nice to be recognized for positive things once in a while! J But, anyway, they did an EKG, which came back normal, gave me a phosphorous supplement as well as half maintenance fluids with extra phosphorous through my IV and rechecked my labs; my phosphorous has come up slightly, which is a good sign. They’ll recheck it in the morning and if it’s normal, I should be able to go home but knowing how serious this is I’m trying to not be in a rush to get out of here but simply to relax in God’s plan and allow the nurses to care for me, since I don’t want to lose the progress I’ve worked so hard to make! Either way I will have to get the calories in, whether I’m in the hospital or not, which is ok with me—but not with ED. He hates every calorie I allow into my body, representing failure as the number on the scale goes up, but this is NOT failure but rather VICTORY; I can’t live in this condition much longer, so every step forward represents another day of life! This disease could have killed me countless times but God continues to redeem me because He must have something big planned—more than my wildest dreams can even begin to imagine; He is not done with me yet and I need to keep fighting so this purpose can be fulfilled and beauty arises from this pain! One day all the pain and suffering will make sense but for now I simply have to trust—one bite at a time! 

I Changed My Mind

This life is a roller coaster ride, full of many ups and downs and unexpected twists and turns. A lot has happened in my life lately and I haven’t taken the time to sit down and write, so here it goes—I have nothing better to do as I sit here in a hospital bed, connected to countless wires and an NG tube keeping me alive as I literally fight for my life—fight to survive and take back everything the devil has stolen from me, including my identity rooted in Christ. To many, anorexia just simply doesn’t make sense, and even to one entrenched within its depths, it is a mystery. God is showing me, however, that I don’t need to have all of the answers; that to Him, Anorexia is no mystery and He indeed holds the keys to true freedom. As many of you know, my life lately has been spent in and out of hospital beds, cycling between self-destruction and stabilization; actually, my entire life these past few years has consisted of this hell—of a life sacrificed to ED, or eating disorder, and near-death experiences. But something has changed; something within me clicked and I no longer desire this life, which is indeed no life at all but rather an attempt to become nonexistent and numb my pain—my way of coping with the depravity of this fallen world and the wounds it heartlessly inflicted upon me. This “click” didn’t occur all at once, as I’d hoped it would, but rather was a slow process of coming to the end of myself, testing each boundary, and much prayer—in fact, prayer is what I believe ultimately produced this “click”, along with endless love and support.

On May 17 I received an inbox from a dear friend, asking if he and some close friends could come and pray over me; of course, I could not decline such an offer and agreed to let these “strangers” from Kenya Africa come over to my house and lift me up, never even anticipating such an amazing and miraculous afternoon of prayer and rebuking the devil. At around two ‘o’clock the next day, a dear friend and his wife, who I’d met several years prior at Bethel Camp, arrived on my doorstep along with a pastor and his wife from Kenya, Africa. We gathered in the living room and talked about my thorn in the flesh, otherwise known as anorexia nervosa, and I tried my best to let them into my mind, where the true battle occurred. They so patiently listened, asking questions throughout, and came to a profound understanding of my battle with food. Once a better understanding of my situation was formed, I stood in the middle of the living room and my mom as well as the two couples gathered around me, laying their hands upon me as they each prayed; never in my life have I felt such animation and power coming from the lips of a pastor, as he literally shook me, crying out in faith for God to heal me—truly, it was one of the most amazing experiences of my life. He ended with “You are Blessed”, and we made a deal, telling the devil “I’ve changed my mind”. Honestly, I expected myself to be healed instantaneously and for my struggles with food to immediately be gone but it didn’t exactly happen that way; this “click” occurred through multiple hospitalizations, doctor appointments and endless prayer.

Along with juggling weekly doctor and bi-weekly therapy appointments, I decided I wanted to get back into volunteering, so emailed my dear friend and volunteer coordinator; we went through the different open positions, but one in particular intrigued me—a position they were just launching. So, I agreed to become their “guinea pig” and figure out how this position would look, and went in the next week for orientation. I then received a tour around the brand new, eye-catching addition of the hospital and then  stopped at the front desk where I’d be located, which had a breathtaking view of the new hospital and all its spectacular landscaping. I enjoyed interacting with the families and growing accustomed to the more calm atmosphere of the Kay Jewelers Pavilion, as well as the haunting aroma of freshly brewing Starbucks coffee located just around the corner of my new desk.

A week later, as I prepared myself for another day of volunteering, I heard God’s voice in the middle of the night, as I lie there awake, unable to sleep. He gave me a vision of Jesus in the Garden of Gethsemane, where Jesus cried out “Abba,[a] Father,” he said, “everything is possible for you. Take this cup from me. Yet not what I will, but what you will” (Mark 14: 36), as He prepared for the most gruesome death of all time. I felt God saying, “Chelsea, this is NOT the life I pre-destined for you”. He gave me a vision of “death”, so to speak, and what He had called me to endure in order to find life. Just as Christ did in the Garden of Gethsemane, I cried out to God to “take this cup from me” but felt Him saying, “Chelsea, stop running”; after arguing with Him for a little while, I finally agreed to move forward into what He’d called me to rather than backward, as I’d always done in the past. I told Him, “My spirit is willing, but my flesh is weak” and just as He equipped Christ with everything He needed to fulfill His destiny, I was given strength—a supernatural power not of my own—as I prepared to walk through the profound pain of re-feeding rather than retreating back to what had become comfortable and my body had become accustomed to. This time must be different because my body was shutting down, as indicated by my failing kidneys as I recovered from pre-renal failure--my body could no longer take the abuse I’d been inflicting upon it.

That day, as I prepared to volunteer, God gave me an appreciation for “the little things”. “Sometimes the smallest things take up the most room in our heart.” He showed me how to appreciate myself again, allowing myself to feel the water as it splashed against my skin and the tingling sensation of my face wash as it penetrated into every pore. As I got dressed and allowed myself to put on make-up, do my hair, spray perfume, etc. I noticed His hand in all the details and joy overflowed from within me. I could hardly wait to head out the door, but first I had some errands to run for my sister’s grad party I’d been having so much fun planning. I went to Wal-Mart and allowed myself to browse through each aisle, putting the items I needed into my cart and dreaming of this party as the final details came together. For me, I am such a planner and dreamer, so it was incredibly thrilling to plan such a big occasion, allowing my mind to just wander, thinking of each little detail. Once I finished shopping, I got back onto 77 and headed to Akron Children’s. The volunteers were so excited to see me and welcomed me with open arms as I entered through the doors and the love was contagious—I couldn’t wipe the smile off my face! While completing my first task, I ran into a good friend I hadn’t seen in months; we’d volunteered together at the surgery desk and formed such a special bond and , so it was just another “little thing” God allowed to brighten my day! After we finished catching up on each other’s lives, I went back to the first floor desk and finished my shift, aware of all the “little details” throughout the day. Overall, it was just a good day of allowing myself to enjoy and take part in the little things of life rather than punishing myself, as I’d so often done.

I spent the rest of the weekend planning and preparing for my sister’s grad party, making sure every detail was complete. However, I’d become so consumed with making sure the party was perfect, with every detail in place, that I forgot how to take care of myself, once again neglecting my needs. The next day I had a doctor appointment and avoided hospitalization by the skin of my teeth but resorted right back to my anorexic tendencies rather than trying to restore my labs into normal ranges. By Wednesday, after doing everything I could to avoid food, I reached my end, both physically and emotionally. I saw how my self-destructive actions were not just affecting me, but also those around me; in fact, my whole family was falling apart. I could no longer continue this way, so agreed to check myself into the hospital the next day. I was terrified as I prepared myself for the vision God had shown me in the weeks prior but I knew there was no turning back now—I had to stop running because I was getting nowhere and my dreams of having surgery and going back to college were rapidly disappearing. So, I embraced what God had called me to, well aware of the “hell” or “death” that rapidly approached. I wrote my doctor a letter, expressing my innermost feelings and plans or ideas for the future, as something had to change and I ached for my voice to be heard; “insanity is doing the same thing repeatedly yet expecting different results”. As my dad so kindly drove me to my appointment, my mind raced with ideas of how to “escape” this approaching hell and rather resort to the comfort of anorexia. After having blood drawn, we headed over to the clinic, where we patiently waited for the results. After doing vitals and such, we were taken back into a room where we awaited the dreaded knock on the door—there was NO turning back now! I knew I was going to need hospitalization, after struggling to get any form of nutrition in, and braced myself for the dreaded plan—would my voice be heard, finally? The doctor entered and informed us of my “crappy” labs and once again recommended hospitalization—but something was different. After reading my letter and realizing that insanity is doing the same thing while expecting different results, as well as seeing something different in me—a desire for change and a desperation for things to be different, we came up with a plan we both agreed on—a way to approach this disease differently and for my voice to finally be heard. This was my chance; my chance to prove that I did indeed desire change, no matter how excruciating. So, it was determined that I would do NG feedings through the weekend, to provide nutrition to my failing body, rather than trying to force feed me, which only led to conflict and deception. Then, on Monday we would slowly re-introduce solid food; they would turn my tube feeding off for 8 hours and send up two snacks and a meal. If I could handle that, I would work with the dietitian to plan my meals, re-introducing food at my own pace; she would help me plan my meals in the hospital based on a plan for when I return home, allowing me to become comfortable with how to meet my needs out of the hospital, prior to being discharged. Once I was able to orally consume all the calories my body required, without the help of an NG tube, we could discuss discharge and how to approach the future. So, this is the plan for the following weeks, as we wait for insurance to approve and decline treatment.

Once the plan was set in place, with the residents informed, I was sent up to my room, where I prepared my “home” for the next days. An NG tube was placed, placement confirmed by x-ray and a continuous feed started, slowly re-introducing nutrition into my body. The rate of the feeding was increased every hour until my anticipated goal was reached. So now, my body must re-learn what to do with food, since it’s been deprived for so long. The process is excruciating and there are many moments where I want nothing more than to resort back to comfort, but I have to remember that “I changed my mind” and that the pain is only temporary.

After talking with a dear friend, I came to the realization that the reason I have been unable to maintain a healthy weight for so long but instead kept relapsing is because I was so determined to control my weight, rather than simply allowing my body to recover. My surgeon gave a minimum weight I must reach in order to have surgery, and my black or white mind took that as the maximum number I could weigh, with not one ounce more. This is why I have failed to trust my treatment team time after time—because I always knew best—more than my own body and even its Creator! So now, in order to recover and achieve my destiny, I must learn to crucify my flesh and trust—the hardest thing for me to do. No matter what my flesh tells me, I cannot trust it right now, but must lay down my control and trust those God has provided to guide me. So, I don’t know what tomorrow looks like but God is teaching me how to be ok with this and to rest in the calm assurance that He knows the future and holds my life in His hands, which is more than enough! My identity is not found in a number, in sports, or anorexia, but in CHRIST!

In a Matter of Seconds

I’ll be honest…I’ve been running from God—running out of adamant anger & fear because I hate His plan; the inconceivable joy once inside me has vanished, with life-stealing perfectionism taking its rightful place. I know I shouldn’t, but a part of me is angry He’d call me to something so significantly over my head—then I hear His still small voice saying, “Chelsea, I have not called you to do this on your own; when you do, absolute frustrations and burn-out are well within your reach because you are not the exception, no matter how hard you try to convince yourself elsewise”. I’ll admit, I do like to think I am the exception to all the rules, as obvious in my quick return to competitive sports short after a seven hour spinal fusion and many other things I’ve so taken for granted; my stubborn will is my absolute downfall. As I see countless patients holding, indeed grasping desperately to the last speck of hope left, I question “Why me, God? What can I do?” As I devote all my time to studying yet my test scores seem to show elsewise due to the reality of many possible “correct” answers but only one chosen as the “most correct”, I wonder “Why even study?” Through today, as my life flashed before my very eyes, I am reminded that this life was not meant to be easy because if it were, there’d be no need for God; when life is comfortable & I feel I can get through it on my own nearly nonexistent strength, that’s when there’s a problem. God has not called me to live comfortably but instead recklessly devoted—yes, fully surrendered to Him.

God has strange ways of calling us back to Him but in all honesty, I don’t mind because at His feet is where I belong. This morning, as I prepared to receive my last required shot for clinical practice, never once did I anticipate what was about to happen. On my usual drive to the well-known Akron Children’s Hospital, the day seemed to be going smoothly—first red light that something must be wrong. It may have been pouring rain & utterly miserable outside, but I was used to these roads & thought nothing of it—just to be more alert. As I turned onto the last bend of the route I’ve worn a path on through my countless visits to Akron Children’s Hospital, it never occurred to me that I was about to literally leave my mark along this road. A huge semi with a flat bed and monstrous “backo” or “cherry-picker” strapped atop was diagonal to me in the other lane when before I knew it, he was crashing into my little and oh-so-faithful car Duke—the impact driving my head into the nearby window/dash where this truck & I had become one. The first thing that ran through my mind was, “No God, not now! I cannot afford to buy a new car with all of the skyrocketing nursing costs” & "I don't have time for this, but have to get home to finish my homework" (obviously oblivious to the fact He'd just spared my life); then fear overtook me as I’ve never been in an accident of any sort (aside from crashing our four-wheeler into a tree—oh yes, and the dreaded water pipe) and my family is literally thousands of miles away on vacation. Oh yes—and I was sitting along the dangerous streets of Akron, alone and vulnerable without any means of escape, and a large rough looking man heading my way. Shaking, I exited my car—the one he’d so effortlessly driven into & even atop the curb—with absolutely no idea what to do. I told him I’d never had anything like this happen before but I knew we needed to exchange information, so I got mine out & convinced him to do likewise; it was definitely no coincidence I’d stopped at Dollar General merely minutes prior to this event & happened to pick up a journal (ironically, on the cover it read, “Everything has beauty but not everyone sees it”) of which was now becoming drenched as I scribbled in the rain. He proceeded to tell me that his company had him working long hours & he had no idea where he was, so had been consistently looking for places to make a right hand turn in attempts to find a coffee shop—I guess this is what caused him to merge into my lane without any fore-warnings (I still wonder if he even looked since it happened so fast) and drive me into & above the curb just before a local business. After receiving my information and taking pictures of the car he’d trashed without any signs of concern, the man informed me he had to leave to deliver his equipment on time—I guess my health was the least of his concerns—and that I could drive my car home, despite the fact it was so obviously totaled. Knowing I couldn’t force him to stay and quite frankly being afraid to attempt to do so to such a large man, I somehow drove my car into the driveway following the curb he’d pushed me into/atop.  As I sat in the parking lot, alone in my un-drivable car with the rain pounding against us, all I could do was stare; once reality hit, I pulled out my cell phone and first dialed Akron Children’s Hospital to let them know I would be late, if not absent & why; as I explained what happened, tears welled up in my eyes as they calmly told me it’d be alright and that I should come to the Emergency Room to be checked out due to the hard impact, pounding headache and elevated abrasion covering my forehead—as much as I knew what may have been wrong, I refused to go by insisting I was fine & it was only a slight headache and bruise—after all, it couldn’t be that bad if I was able to walk. After hanging up, I proceeded to dial 911 for the first time in my life & began sobbing as they answered; I told them I’d like to report an accident & apologized for bursting into tears, after explaining I had no idea what to do, & they proceeded to ask where I was—the worst possible question for a person as bad with directions as I; I told them where I was, along with the local surroundings, & then waited…and waited for an officer to arrive. Upon waiting, I called the insurance agency & gave them the info I had, all the while sobbing yet again only to be comforted over the phone by the kind soul of an angel; she told me everything would be alright & said it wasn’t my fault (even though I was convinced elsewise)—that she’d do her best to take care of me. I could not have been more grateful for her inconceivable kindness—in fact, for everyone else’s throughout the day. Then I called my parents, despite the fact they were literally thousands of miles away, & began sobbing yet again as I told them the dreaded news...I'd been in my first accident; contrary to what I expected, they told me they were just glad I was ok & not to worry about the car--that it wasn't my fault. I am blessed with the absolute best family, who despite all of this informed me they were proud of my perseverance & taking responsibility, as well as just "being me". Upon hanging up, I then called my aunt, saying “You’ll never guess what just happened”—she guessed and so selflessly agreed to pick me up, since no one else was around, despite the fact she was in the middle of her work shift—yes, that’s how cool she is! As I put down the phone, noticing it’d been over thirty minutes since I’d dialed 911, a wild idea came to my mind: I knew very well where I was—merely several miles away from the place I’d once called my habitat for survival—so why not walk to this hospital & get my own cop? As I got all of my belongings out of my car, I locked it up & took off for my next adventure to Akron Children’s Hospital, alone & sopping wet along the streets of Akron—not my best move. As I power-walked along the side of the road, I came across an old African-American man (fear overtook me as I remembered where I was) who asked me how I was; I replied, “I’m alright—how are you?” only to hear him say “absolutely wonderful”; after rejoicing with him, I then said I was just in an accident & he so kindly said, “”Oh, that’s terrible; I am so sorry--that must have been traumatic” and that accidents happen all the time where it’d occurred. Once we parted ways, I walked through the ER doors of Akron Children’s Hospital & made my way to security to plead my case, only to be told they couldn’t help me. So, I ventured back into the pouring rain along the freshly trodden sidewalk, which seemed to only get longer as the seconds passed by. After arriving once again at my car, with no police in sight, I got in & started sobbing: how could anything else get worse? I decided to call 911 yet again, since there were no signs of any cops and my own attempt had fallen short—they immediately knew my crazy voice & said the cop hadn’t been able to find me, so I explained my surroundings yet again, since there was no address on the local building. Shortly afterward my exceedingly selfless aunt arrived, beckoning me into her heated vehicle with arms of love; seriously, at this moment a familiar face could not have been more needed! Being the go-getter that she is, my aunt courageously went into the building I’d been parked in front of, only to come back out with good news—there were people in there who could help! The owners/workers of this business absolutely overwhelmed us with hospitality and compassion, offering chairs & internet access as we waited—they even pulled up the “hit and run line” which we then called to once again report the accident as well as the information for the company the faulty driver worked for; shortly afterward, the kindest cop I’ve ever met arrived, making the experience even more beautiful—yes, I did say beautiful. As I gave him all the info I’d received, my aunt proceeded to call the company this man had been driving for in attempts to see if they knew his name; getting nothing out of them but the fact that he worked there & other things not worth repeating, I was left alone to write my “statement”; the cop was an absolute life-saver and without him, as well as my aunt and the kind business owners, I very well may have lost my sanity. The day ended alright & I even received several calls from Akron Children’s Hospital out of concern, reminding me yet again why I will always undoubtedly love this place! Akron Children’s Hospital—you will always hold a special place in my heart and for your unceasing kindness as well as quality care I will forever remain entirely grateful; one day I pray to do for others what you have done for me! And yes, I will be seeing you in a matter of hours, as I have agreed to come in (against my pride) to be checked out! “If God is for us, then what could ever stop us; if God is with us, then what can stand against?!”Through this all I am reminded that life truly is but a vapor & can disintegrate at any moment, so what am I living for? What really matters? If God has called me to a reckless life of abandon, even that being the medical field, then I will go because without Him I am nothing and entirely miserable. 

This is Crazy but DO NOT Call Me Maybe

I want to cry—to curl up in a ball and hide, never to be found again; the little girl in me is shaking relentlessly as she relives the painful past too brutal to bear. Today, as I sat in the hospital’s cafeteria for lunch, felt someone watching me; I glanced up to see a young man staring at my innocence, contemplating whether or not to sit down and eat lunch beside me. Freaked out, I quickly got on my phone and pretended to text and appear busy but despite my efforts this determined young man asked to join me: what do you say to things like this? This is where friendliness becomes an absolute curse: I don’t want to shatter his own heart but also don’t want to appear interested; I want to be a witness for Christ and guide to everyone I come in contact with, leaving me to sometimes let people “step over me”, in a sense. I hesitantly agreed to let him sit on the other side of the table and tried to be a “friend” by listening as he unloaded his hurts; I’ve learned that, in the words of Zach Gay, “girls are different than boys” which is a life-changing lesson; as much as I want to be a friend to everyone, it’s different with males. I regret allowing him to sit at the same table: he asked me a ton of questions (including if my boyfriend would beat him up for talking to me) and offered to buy me anything I wanted, leading up to requesting me to be his girlfriend and slyly stealing my number. No, I have not texted back and probably never will; why are guys interested so utterly creepy?! I just want to cry—to let these tears bottled up inside flow out.

I’ve never been on a date and talking to most males, especially those seeking more than friendship, leaves my mind a jumbled mess and my nerves about to explode; thinking straight isn’t an option as I completely make a fool of myself nearly every time! The wounded-ness within me never wants to have a boyfriend; yes, I do believe the distorted view and fear of males is mostly because of past experiences and wounds which left my heart shattered into a million pieces and confidence nonexistent. I want to be open to a relationship but I’m scared—scared of vulnerability and having my heart relentlessly ripped out from within the depths of my body. I want to be open to God’s plan, above all things, but am afraid of my sinful nature getting in the way of hearing His voice and allowing Him to take my hand, leading me to freedom and true abundant life. I am a fallen human being and as much as I want to be perfect, will never achieve this unrealistic expectation!

On a good note, this week has been the start of my nursing classes; in all honesty I wanted to run away but find strength merely by the will and grace of God. I adore the nursing classes but they’re the complete opposite of my comfort zone—in fact, so far it seems impossible. I hate to feel clueless but in order to survive will have to “suck this up” and get used to it, as well as utter and complete fear. God wants to do this for me but my stubborn self sometimes desires control, leading to painful but deserved failure and pain.

 God, I “raise my white flag; I surrender all to you” because “the war is over and love has won”. I cannot fight these brutal battles of life on my own because I was not created to; I am well aware of my complete incompetence as well as failures so I ask You to fight for me. The warrior I’ve tried to be is exhausted so I ask that You’d carry me since my legs are too weary to stand. Forgive me of my failures but most of all help me to forgive myself, which is the hardest part. Steady my heart to hear Your still small voice and give me confidence in Your perfection, even when I am unsure of Your voice. Fill me with discernment and wisdom. Give me a voice that is heard among the chaos of this world as well as the confidence to stand up for myself and set boundaries, relentlessly sticking to them. Remind me why You love me—the essence of imperfection. Take all of me, leaving not one mere speck, and replace the emptiness with Your very presence which is more than enough. Heal my wounded heart and comfort the little girl within me as she hides in the corner from the relentless pain of this world; hold her in Your muscular arms as she runs to you. Love her like You love the children. I surrender, God; the battle’s already been won, so why am I fighting? Take these swords from my vulnerable and imperfect hands and be my Warrior, protecting me from the relentless darts aimed to destroy. 

Beauty beyond measure

Oh summer, how I love you! I love the spontaneity of running after geese in my Sunday clothes before church so they don’t poop all over the yard and on my car; I was going to shoot them, but found out it’s illegal & the guns were hidden from me- the birds got lucky! Heehee. I love driving with the wind in my hair, sun on my face and belting out songs of praise while others just stare (probably in horror!); there was once a time when singing required too much energy for my fading self and could never be heard from my lips. God’s beauty is apparent everywhere I look and it amazes me.

This morning my mom and I went shopping for flowers and hit the jackpot! I had to guard our two ferns and three bright pink perennial hanging baskets with my life because at least three people tried to steal them from my grip; it actually quite amused me! As we were heading home, I received an email asking me to come ASAP to ACH to run the surgery desk if there was any possible way due to the daily volunteer taking off last minute; I got ready in less than ten minutes, ate a quick lunch & ran out the door. I got to the hospital in record time and immediately went up to the surgery floor to relieve the hostess. It was beyond awesome to see all of my friends who sit with me at the desk and to talk just like old times; I miss them beyond words and love every minute spent with these amazing people. I found out today that the process has once again been completely revamped, so I had to relearn everything and I love nothing more than a challenge! I actually love the way we do it, although sometimes it gets a little crazy with only one hostess and over sixty surgeries- I love crazy, however and it brings the best in me, most times. I was beyond ecstatic to see all of the doctors again and to interact with the families; I love the excitement on the surgery floor because excitement brings me alive beyond description.  Due to HIPAA rules, we now have to take the families back to a consult room; I guess the doctors must not be used to this because they kept telling me “I’m on the ball”, which encouraged me since it was my first time back in months and with the new process. I absolutely adore volunteering and today was nothing short of amazing; my heart was made to serve and loves nothing more than doing exactly that! It is such a crazy experience to go from being a patient in the hospital to helping deliver excellent care as a part of the hospital; the feeling is beyond description and so beautiful, for lack of words. I am beyond grateful God chose me out of all His children to go through so much pain, both physical and emotional because had I not, life wouldn’t be so beautiful because God had to break me and my stubborn desires; I feel such a connection to Akron Children’s Hospital and the patients in it because I know all too well what they’re going through and it makes my heart happy to be able to share in their pain, leading them to a hope not yet apparent. I didn’t want to leave the hospital today, in all honesty and felt so incredibly guilty leaving by 5:30 when families were still there; I absolutely love the surgery desk and it pains me to leave, but I can’t live there! ;) I think keys have something against me, because once again I could not get anything to lock up and was beyond flustered because I was in a hurry yet nothing was working! I finally just gave up, took the keys to the volunteer office and went on my way to my brother’s baseball practice.

I actually made it in time to pick him up and had fun watching the cute little boys playing baseball! I had such a special evening with my little brother as we got dinner and then painted pottery for Mother’s Day; don’t worry, I already told her since she literally called me five times making sure we weren’t dead! Lol. I love to paint pottery, but Miss Perfectionism seems to make her strong and bold appearance into my life as soon as my feet enter the pottery place, making it hard to fully enjoy the experience. My brother was so cute as he painted in such a carefree manner, which to be honest kind of frustrated me because I couldn’t get my own project done due to stripping his project several times so he could restart; all in all we did have a fun bonding time, but stress definitely made its appearance! It’s funny to see such a stark contrast between the two of us: I am such a perfectionist in most everything I do whereas my brother is the complete opposite! I love all of the differences in the world and it’s so neat to see how no two people are alike, even siblings.

God is insane an way beyond my comprehension; even though I stumbled and fell into the grips of control, God still blessed me with straight A’s which I in no way deserve. I gave this semester my all, sometimes more, and it all paid off! It’s hard to imagine that I could hear back from the Nursing program at any moment and it doesn’t in any way seem real. This past year of school has been brutal but more than worth the hard work; life seems to be a fairytale and everyday seems to be like walking on sunshine. Oh how I love this life, even when it hurts more than I ever thought possible.

My twin comes home so soon- in exactly eighteen days and excited doesn’t even begin to describe how I feel; we’ve been separated completely for six months yet I feel closer than ever. I cannot wait to go back to the SEND house to get her and to see all of the friends we’ve both made. People bring out the best in me and there’s no doubt in my mind that I was not made to be alone; in fact, God created woman because He knew “it was not good for man to be alone”, so I’m not the only one! I can’t wait to see what beauty tomorrow has in store! 

Days filled with love

How can life continue to be so beautiful? Every day I’m awestruck by my LOVE & my King who loves me with an everlasting love my brain can’t comprehend. Life is not perfect by any means but I choose to dwell on the positives and beauty in life which can be hidden. God has the capability and power to turn absolutely anything into good; with God goodness always overcomes evil.

                Today I volunteered at ACH; in all honesty I didn’t think it was meant for me to go since so many obstacles tried to keep me away! My car was completely frozen over & I needed gas but couldn’t even get to my gas cap since the car was completely frozen. After trying to open it with my key, a scraper, and my bare hands I cried out to God in frustration; miraculously He answered my prayer! After arriving at the hospital, God made it clear to me that I was supposed to be there by putting glimpses of beauty around each corner.

                I started out volunteering on Wednesdays but had to switch to Fridays due to my school schedule; today I got to run errands with the volunteers I started out with and formed relationships with and was reminded of how caring of a “family” I have a t ACH. Errands are my favorite since they keep me active and each day is full of spontaneity and adventure leaving no day the same. I absolutely adore interacting with the patients and their loved ones; they brighten my days and I can only hope I brighten theirs! I did discharges today for the first time in several months, so I was scared of messing up but did it anyway. I’ve found the best way to overcome fear is to do what you’re afraid to do; you never know until you try. They ended up going smoothly and I had a blast interacting with the families!

                I then got sent to sit with a child in her room while her parents were gone and the nurses were busy with nursing duties; I had to put on a gown and gloves due to sanitary precautions, which was a first for me! When I entered the room I saw this gorgeous blue eyed and blonde haired toddler looking at me, her eyes glistening with tears. The tech was trying to calm her down and put her to sleep since she’d been up all night in pain. I got to talk with the tech and found out she had the same Chemistry & Biology teachers I had and she’s now graduated; she told me how she got into ACH and gave me hope when I wanted to give up. Before she left she taught me how to work an IV machine so the nurses didn’t have to adjust it every time the little one moved too quickly and set it off; I felt so official!! Once she left I got to play with the beautiful little one; she was fascinated with my gloves and loved her little teddy bear! After a while she got fussy, so I started rubbing her back which calmed her down and put her to sleep. After she was sleeping for a while, I took off my gloves and gown and opened the door; lo and behold she woke up crying! I then repeated calming her down and putting her to sleep and was just about to leave when one of my favorite doctors came into the room to check on her; she started screaming as he examined her and so I told him I’d stay and calm her down. I repeated the routine one last time, waited until she was deeply sleeping and then went to run more errands. It made my day to interact with one of my favorite doctors; he’s so personable and genuine, which are some of the many qualities I love about him.

                After lunch I headed to the Atrium desk to relieve the attendant; I love this desk also but it’s not my favorite as every day is the same and I hate sitting still for hours! I do however love being in the middle of the hospital- in all of the action! After finishing my shift I was walking down the hall when someone stopped me; it was Dr. R who I’d been praying for a long time to run into! This man never ceases to make me smile and brighten up my day as he genuinely cares about my well-being and always makes time to talk; he always asks how I’m doing but one thing which distinguishes him from the rest is he takes the time to listen which tells me he genuinely cares and wants to hear. I believe that this is a rare quality these days as so many of us are in such a hurry or too self-absorbed to care! I don’t know if it’s legal to make friendships with doctors who once treated you, but I want to break that law (if there is one!) They’re human beings just like me and I like making friends and absolutely love to form relationships! The halls of Akron Children’s make me smile and cover me with laughter and joy; kids are our future and how we treat them makes a difference!

                Tonight I got to play volleyball with my amazing youth group; my passion and competiveness within me was relived! Sports still bring out a different side of me which may not always be a pretty sight! One thing I haven’t and will never give up is diving; the feeling of sliding across the floor energizes me and keeps me wanting more- it’s addictive like a drug! Sports make me happy as I’ve learned to take the pressure off of myself and to enjoy every moment instead of blaming each loss on myself. I no longer feel nauseous before I play because of such high and unrealistic expectations of perfection! I just love being crazy and letting the real me come out; I’d rather be myself than be miserable trying to be someone I’m not!

                Oh, & on Christmas Day Courtney skyped us which was the perfect Christmas gift; our whole family together at last! I’m so excited that the other side of the world now gets to experience the essence of Courtney whom I love beyond words and am honored to have spent the majority of my life with.

                Christmas Eve I was one of Santa’s elves at ACH; I passed out gifs to the patients which was one of the greatest joys as giving and love are what Christmas is all about! Watching their eyes become huge and sparkling as they unwrapped their gifts with tender needle-pricked hands put a smile on my face- beauty amidst darkness! Love radiated through every corner of the hospital overtaking the darkness of despair and sickness; Love overcomes all things! That Christmas Eve was one I’ll never forget and hope to experience again! Love truly is what makes the world go round!