It’s been awhile since I’ve
last written, as honestly, I’ve been relentlessly running away from God, rather
than towards Him, because my flesh is weary of being “controlled”; however, God
is showing me that what I view negatively as “control” is the opposite.
Anorexia has instead stolen everything and is controlling every aspect of my
life rather than providing the freedom it so appealingly promises. I’ve been so tired of entering treatment center
after treatment center, where all rights and nearly all control is taken away.
I’m tired of being told what to do, and so as much as others try to dictate or
even suggest actions, I rebel and run the other way, doing the opposite out of
my own fleshly stubbornness. I’ve been completely abusing my body yet putting
on a “mask” or “front” that everything was ok, when in reality I was quickly
dying inside. Recently, however, God has completely changed my heart and I want
to tell you about it, as well as what He has been doing in my life!
Since returning from
inpatient after four long, traumatizing months, I’ve begun teaching preschool
Sunday School, which was intimidating at first but quickly evolved into my
passion, helping to give me a purpose greater than myself. I absolutely adore
preparing the lessons and coming up with ideas to make it my own, whether by
adding art projects or fun interactive learning activities, as each child has a
different way of learning. One thing that saddened me, however, was discovering
how most parents simply throw away the child’s unique creations and papers,
which I understand since these things tend to accumulate and take up space; I
guess, though, on the other hand, it saddens me to think of how pride has, at
times, taken over—with the majority wanting to appear “put together”, neat and
organized rather than allowing for some “messiness” and creativity to be
displayed and thrive. I personally believe these art projects, coloring pages, and
all other unique creations give each child profound confidence when pride or
approval in their “masterpiece” is shown; so, I made a goal to display these
creations in the classroom, which makes for cheap decorations as well as unique
and colorful beauty and appeal. I created an art wall, with the quote “Every
child is an artist” hanging above the children’s strung artwork. I also
purchased some vinyl rainbow colored polka dots to add around the room to
spread the cheer and add some personality. One week we made spring flowers with
cupcake liners and sequins, and the kids had a blast making them their own, as
well as getting to use glue “all by themselves”. It was beyond neat to see how
each flower was different and unique, yet equally beautiful. We also painted
the Earth with waterproof paint and q-tips, which was a fun, sensory project
that the kids enjoyed. I love how the lessons include unique, creative ideas to
really solidify the learning points and I enjoy utilizing them, but also enjoy
adding my own “twist”—I guess this is where my creativity comes into play!
On Wednesday, I finally “caved”
and decided to allow myself to embrace a little self-care and change by getting
a haircut. While away in treatment, a young, new hairdresser had offered to cut
my hair for free, so I of course couldn’t turn her down. I chose to be spontaneous
and “mix things up” from my usual bob style and went with a cute, trendy
asymmetrical pixie cut. At first, it was new and exciting but quickly became
difficult to style and manage, especially as we only had limited “mirror time”
at the treatment facility. Over the months, it grew so long and simply had no
shape, so I decided it was time to call up my trustworthy hairstylist to “do
her magic”. I just love going into the salon and feeling pampered as someone
else shampoos, cuts and styles my hair. I brought in a picture as an idea of
what I wanted, but my hair ended up being too short on the one side, so she
instead came up with a brilliant compromise, creating her own masterpiece. I am
absolutely in love with her creation and it feels SO good to actually have some
shape and texture to my hair—it’s amazing what a good haircut can do!
On Thursday, I had my first
appointment with a Christian counselor who specializes in eating disorders,
whom I’d been waiting to see for over a month. We instantly connected, which
was relieving after the difficulty I’ve had finding a “quality” therapist I connect
with that’s also covered by insurance—yet another answer to prayer! We began by
getting to know each other and determining what I want out of therapy; it was
exciting to discover that she has a different and unique way of therapy,
different from the normal “talk therapy”, but instead includes artistic
approaches such as painting and simply playing games. It was nice to know I
wouldn’t have to come prepared every week to do extensive, deep talking but
rather could allow healing to flow through different, artistic approaches that
don’t have to be “perfect”, which is a challenge for me. I look forward to the
weeks ahead and all the healing to come!
I then had an interview at
a preschool as an assistant teacher, which at first was the exact opposite of
what I thought I wanted to do but
ended up appealing to the creative side of me that also wants to make a
difference in the life of a child—our future!
The manager was exceedingly friendly and ended up having a daughter who was
also in nursing school at Kent, so we had something in common! She informed me
of the job duties and expectations, as well as the reality that childcare
unfortunately is an unappreciated and underpaid field to go into. However, it
is also exceedingly rewarding, as well as exhausting, to forever impact the
life of a child. I am excited yet nervous to hear back from her regarding
employment but trying to simply sit back and trust God, allowing Him to make
things happen if it is His will.
I also registered for Fall
college courses, which begin in August. I decided to try a different approach,
since insanity is “doing the same thing yet expecting different results”, and
registered for 100% online courses, which allows me to focus more on my health
rather than the high physical demands of clinicals. I’m excited, yet nervous,
about being able to set my own schedule and work at my own pace, but also know
that online classes require an exceedingly large amount of determination and
dedication, as there is no classroom experience to really solidify the
teachings and ensure understanding. I’ve also learned that procrastination
cannot occur with online courses and you must also utilize and expand
organizational skills in order to stay on top of all of the deadlines, which
often run together. I’m taking two intensive writing courses, which will be
demanding due to all the papers required, but also registered for an exciting,
new course that helps you to develop a personal profile or identity on the web.
I’m excited to see what this next semester has in store for me!
After seeing how all these
positive experiences are occurring in my life and really feeling God’s presence
with and purpose for me, even though I so often run away and fail on my own, I’ve
decided it is time to take action and really pursue recovery, both physical,
emotional and spiritual. A huge part of anorexia recovery is physical, so I
need to be proactive and stop abusing my body and expecting things to just “happen”;
God requires me to take action and won’t simply do everything for me, although
I sometimes wish He would! In the past, I’ve tried a healthy, Biblically based
way of eating called Trim Healthy Mama, but ended up becoming
overwhelmed and obsessed with losing weight, developing my own “rules” which
only increased food restriction and
completely stole my joy. I really like the unique approach to eating and how it
is a lifestyle choice rather than fad diet and doesn’t eliminate food groups
but rather focuses on including whole foods and nourishing your body from the inside out,
but it is a lot to learn! God is helping me to take a compassionate approach,
embracing mistakes as learning experiences rather than failures. I sat down and
read the book, then developed my own weekly meal plan with links and page
references for recipes so I can have quick access to meals, snacks, drinks,
etc. and eliminate the opportunities to go hungry, since there’s now no excuse
to not know what to eat or at least give me an idea of what sounds good. It’s
exciting to discover and try new recipes, experimenting with different flavors
and textures and creating my own versions based on what appeals to my unique
taste buds and desires. I’m also discovering that the more I step out of my
comfort zone and incorporate rather than prohibit foods from all food groups, the fear becomes less
intense and overwhelming and food becomes an opportunity to nourish and rebuild
my body rather than abuse and destroy it. Here’s to all of the new and exciting
adventures awaiting me!