21 June 2012

Beauty in Surrender

Life is full of chaos and adventure; I apologize for my nonexistence these past three weeks, if not more! Several days before my Summer classes were scheduled to start, after I’d already gotten all of my books, my Nutrition class was suddenly cancelled; this sudden change of plans did not leave me too happy, in all honesty, after all the planning I’d done. Last year we were required to temporarily plan out each semester ahead of time, so every semester was mapped out to relieve any anxiety and simplify matters; all my classes were scheduled and I was ready to go, but obviously God’s plans are not my own. After much debate, I registered for Human Physiology despite my knowledge of it being the toughest class required. Yes, yes, I know…I’m crazy; taking the hardest class in five weeks seems a little insane, but what is life without challenges and risks?! If you have been wondering where I’ve been, now you know- my head has once again been cemented into the books, consumed by studying for each of the five tests; there is not one easy thing about this class but I am not the one in control nor am I afraid when God is the one fighting.
Nursing school requires CPR certification, so several weeks ago I scheduled my dreaded CPR class. On Monday, directly after college I headed up to the hospital, with much dread, to take the four hour class. For me personally, the word “test” increases my heart rate a drastic amount, initiating the “fight or flight” response of adrenaline, and this course required not one , but two tests! Oh how fun! As I watched each video clip & than reenacted it on the dummy in front of me, fear of failing once again consumed my vulnerable mind and perfectionism took over; to make matters worse, the majority of those in the room already had a medical degree and were just renewing their certification, when I’d never even seen CPR! Don’t get me wrong; I knew the basics, such as mouth to mouth and that sort of thing, but I had no idea how to do it. After the class we were required to take a written test and if we passed that, we headed on to yet another test of skills. When my name was called, the effects of adrenaline kicked in as my trembling body approached the instructor who then asked me to reenact multiple scenarios on my own, without help of any kind; my heart nearly stopped as everything I’d just seen for the first time only minutes before vanished from my beyond stressed out mind. After much torture, broken dummies, a bruised hand, sore muscles, and an overworked brain, I was convinced I’d failed the course. Anger and bitterness started to swell up in my soul as I thought of the life God has called me to, which is so far beyond my own capability; I cried out to God, asking the Creator of the Universe why He directed me to the opposite end of the arena which before had been prohibited by my wounded soul. Nursing is so the complete opposite of what I have always wanted- the dreams I had for my own life; the path is completely overgrown and leaves me having to blaze my own trail into unknown territory. Why can’t God just bring me back to sports, where I’m comfortable and have known all my life? I’ve realized, after a vast array of emotions, that we find God when we are on our knees; if all of the risks and adventures in life were replaced with comfort, I would never need God. As much as my sinful self wants to resort back to sports, what is comfortable to me, I choose to surrender the little I have to the God of the Universe to do with it whatever He pleases. If the Medical Field is where God has called me, I will take myself along with my CPR certification and go. 

1 comment:

Kathy said...

I love the imagery that is always present in your writing.

God wants you where he wants you! It's been my experience that I get nowhere if I argue with him!!