Goodbye Letter

Dear ED,
Words can't even express my feelings for you. Sorry to burst your bubble, but you no longer belong in my life anymore. You have done more damages then good to me. Let's begin with the positives, even though the damages much outweigh the benefits. You gave me comfort in a world of chaos; when I had nothing else to cling to, you gave me comfort. You gave me control when there was nothing else to control. You gave me a voice when no one else heard me. You gave me an identity, of course a false one, but an identity nonetheless. But, these things are without a doubt not worth the damages you've caused to my life. And, not only to my life, but also to my family's lives. You didn't just hurt me; you hurt my family and my relationships. You took away memories of my childhood & taught me to focus on the negatives. You took away my love of being a kid, having fun, & being silly. I couldn't have fun anymore & lost my enjoyment in everything. Disgustingly, you took away my ability to dream & my creativity. I have such a HUGE imagination & I can't believe you'd have the guts to take this away from me! You're going to pay! I will NOT put up with this anymore! You took away my confidence- I couldn't even see my value & worth- not even my beauty. I could no longer see my beauty on the outside but also on the inside. You turned me into a rotten, selfish person who only thought & cared about herself. This is so the opposite of WHO I AM! You took away my LOVE of people & friends- my love of caring for people & just being around people. You took away the closeness of my family & the relationships we shared. I have such a special family- a family full of love but you tried to convince me they were against me. I hate you for this! My family would do ANYTHING for me & you tried to convince me otherwise. You took away the strong & unique relationships of not just my family, but also my TWIN! How sick of you to take away my best friend! You took away my SMILE & the Sparkle in my eyes. You took away my BUBBLINESS & my LAUGH! You took away my athleticism & my allowance to play sports. You took away my voice, even though in my eating disorder you gave me a voice that no one else understood. You gave me hatred for EVERY part of me- compliments, affirmations, & encouragement no longer registered in my brain. You told me I needed to be punished whenever I failed- that PERFECTION was the ONLY acceptable option. You took away my love of taking care of myself & dressing STYLISHLY! I no longer enjoyed getting dressed, doing my hair, & taking time for MYSELF. How repulsive! My determination vanished- I lost hope in EVERYTHING! You took away my ability to finish tasks & my hard work- also my ability to relax! You took away my enjoyment in everything, including food. I became scared of EVERY food & no longer tasted it. I DESPISED eating & lost my enjoyment of EVERY food I once liked. You took away EVERYTHING important to me in life! You were NEVER satisfied with me- I was NEVER thin enough, smart enough, athletic enough, pretty enough & so on. I was NEVER the best, even when I was almost DEAD!!NEVER thin enough- which just proves that NO ONE can win the title of best eating disorder- You are sick!!! You replaced my clear vision with distortion- now I can't even trust what others say. I can't yet see the truth & it kills me! I missed out on so much of life because of YOU! Oh, & I can't forget that you took away my true opinions of food & my preferences. Now I get questioned constantly about foods I really do enjoy & whether or not it's truly me. I HATE that you took away my freedom of choice without questioning. You make me seem like a liar even when I'm telling the truth! As you can see, ED, we have a love/hate relationship, but mostly HATE! You deceived me & took away even my identity- THE MANY SHADES OF ME!!! But, I'm fighting back for all of the things you've taken from me. I'm well on my way to getting them back & you will NO LONGER STOP ME!! YOU are the weaker one now! My determination & strength is STRONGER than yours! I choose to be my own best friend & NO LONGER need you! I am so unique & special! There's no one else like me & I'm NOT going to hide it anymore! I add so much to the world & I CHOOSE to see & acknowledge it! I have SO MUCH to offer the world & I'm NOT GOING TO LET YOU DEFINE ME! I know recovery isn't going to be easy or perfect, but I'm up for a challenge! Bring it on! I can honestly sympathize with others & speak from my experience. NOW, my family has the wisdom to communicate effectively. I now see the value of my story & can share it with others!! I am NOT ashamed of the past, although I KNOW you want me to be! I have learned so much & BECAUSE OF YOU I NOW KNOW MORE! Now I can HELP OTHERS kick your sorry little ass! Thanks for that!