I want to cry—to curl up in a ball and hide, never to be found again; the little girl in me is shaking relentlessly as she relives the painful past too brutal to bear. Today, as I sat in the hospital’s cafeteria for lunch, felt someone watching me; I glanced up to see a young man staring at my innocence, contemplating whether or not to sit down and eat lunch beside me. Freaked out, I quickly got on my phone and pretended to text and appear busy but despite my efforts this determined young man asked to join me: what do you say to things like this? This is where friendliness becomes an absolute curse: I don’t want to shatter his own heart but also don’t want to appear interested; I want to be a witness for Christ and guide to everyone I come in contact with, leaving me to sometimes let people “step over me”, in a sense. I hesitantly agreed to let him sit on the other side of the table and tried to be a “friend” by listening as he unloaded his hurts; I’ve learned that, in the words of Zach Gay, “girls are different than boys” which is a life-changing lesson; as much as I want to be a friend to everyone, it’s different with males. I regret allowing him to sit at the same table: he asked me a ton of questions (including if my boyfriend would beat him up for talking to me) and offered to buy me anything I wanted, leading up to requesting me to be his girlfriend and slyly stealing my number. No, I have not texted back and probably never will; why are guys interested so utterly creepy?! I just want to cry—to let these tears bottled up inside flow out.
I’ve never been on a date and talking to most males, especially those seeking more than friendship, leaves my mind a jumbled mess and my nerves about to explode; thinking straight isn’t an option as I completely make a fool of myself nearly every time! The wounded-ness within me never wants to have a boyfriend; yes, I do believe the distorted view and fear of males is mostly because of past experiences and wounds which left my heart shattered into a million pieces and confidence nonexistent. I want to be open to a relationship but I’m scared—scared of vulnerability and having my heart relentlessly ripped out from within the depths of my body. I want to be open to God’s plan, above all things, but am afraid of my sinful nature getting in the way of hearing His voice and allowing Him to take my hand, leading me to freedom and true abundant life. I am a fallen human being and as much as I want to be perfect, will never achieve this unrealistic expectation!
On a good note, this week has been the start of my nursing classes; in all honesty I wanted to run away but find strength merely by the will and grace of God. I adore the nursing classes but they’re the complete opposite of my comfort zone—in fact, so far it seems impossible. I hate to feel clueless but in order to survive will have to “suck this up” and get used to it, as well as utter and complete fear. God wants to do this for me but my stubborn self sometimes desires control, leading to painful but deserved failure and pain.
God, I “raise my white flag; I surrender all to you” because “the war is over and love has won”. I cannot fight these brutal battles of life on my own because I was not created to; I am well aware of my complete incompetence as well as failures so I ask You to fight for me. The warrior I’ve tried to be is exhausted so I ask that You’d carry me since my legs are too weary to stand. Forgive me of my failures but most of all help me to forgive myself, which is the hardest part. Steady my heart to hear Your still small voice and give me confidence in Your perfection, even when I am unsure of Your voice. Fill me with discernment and wisdom. Give me a voice that is heard among the chaos of this world as well as the confidence to stand up for myself and set boundaries, relentlessly sticking to them. Remind me why You love me—the essence of imperfection. Take all of me, leaving not one mere speck, and replace the emptiness with Your very presence which is more than enough. Heal my wounded heart and comfort the little girl within me as she hides in the corner from the relentless pain of this world; hold her in Your muscular arms as she runs to you. Love her like You love the children. I surrender, God; the battle’s already been won, so why am I fighting? Take these swords from my vulnerable and imperfect hands and be my Warrior, protecting me from the relentless darts aimed to destroy.