28 August 2012

This is Crazy but DO NOT Call Me Maybe

I want to cryto curl up in a ball and hide, never to be found again; the little girl in me is shaking relentlessly as she relives the painful past too brutal to bear. Today, as I sat in the hospital’s cafeteria for lunch, felt someone watching me; I glanced up to see a young man staring at my innocence, contemplating whether or not to sit down and eat lunch beside me. Freaked out, I quickly got on my phone and pretended to text and appear busy but despite my efforts this determined young man asked to join me: what do you say to things like this? This is where friendliness becomes an absolute curse: I don’t want to shatter his own heart but also don’t want to appear interested; I want to be a witness for Christ and guide to everyone I come in contact with, leaving me to sometimes let people “step over me”, in a sense. I hesitantly agreed to let him sit on the other side of the table and tried to be a “friend” by listening as he unloaded his hurts; I’ve learned that, in the words of Zach Gay, “girls are different than boys” which is a life-changing lesson; as much as I want to be a friend to everyone, it’s different with males. I regret allowing him to sit at the same table: he asked me a ton of questions (including if my boyfriend would beat him up for talking to me) and offered to buy me anything I wanted, leading up to requesting me to be his girlfriend and slyly stealing my number. No, I have not texted back and probably never will; why are guys interested so utterly creepy?! I just want to cryto let these tears bottled up inside flow out.

I’ve never been on a date and talking to most males, especially those seeking more than friendship, leaves my mind a jumbled mess and my nerves about to explode; thinking straight isn’t an option as I completely make a fool of myself nearly every time! The wounded-ness within me never wants to have a boyfriend; yes, I do believe the distorted view and fear of males is mostly because of past experiences and wounds which left my heart shattered into a million pieces and confidence nonexistent. I want to be open to a relationship but I’m scaredscared of vulnerability and having my heart relentlessly ripped out from within the depths of my body. I want to be open to God’s plan, above all things, but am afraid of my sinful nature getting in the way of hearing His voice and allowing Him to take my hand, leading me to freedom and true abundant life. I am a fallen human being and as much as I want to be perfect, will never achieve this unrealistic expectation!
On a good note, this week has been the start of my nursing classes; in all honesty I wanted to run away but find strength merely by the will and grace of God. I adore the nursing classes but they’re the complete opposite of my comfort zonein fact, so far it seems impossible. I hate to feel clueless but in order to survive will have to “suck this up” and get used to it, as well as utter and complete fear. God wants to do this for me but my stubborn self sometimes desires control, leading to painful but deserved failure and pain.

 God, I “raise my white flag; I surrender all to you” because “the war is over and love has won”. I cannot fight these brutal battles of life on my own because I was not created to; I am well aware of my complete incompetence as well as failures so I ask You to fight for me. The warrior I’ve tried to be is exhausted so I ask that You’d carry me since my legs are too weary to stand. Forgive me of my failures but most of all help me to forgive myself, which is the hardest part. Steady my heart to hear Your still small voice and give me confidence in Your perfection, even when I am unsure of Your voice. Fill me with discernment and wisdom. Give me a voice that is heard among the chaos of this world as well as the confidence to stand up for myself and set boundaries, relentlessly sticking to them. Remind me why You love me—the essence of imperfection. Take all of me, leaving not one mere speck, and replace the emptiness with Your very presence which is more than enough. Heal my wounded heart and comfort the little girl within me as she hides in the corner from the relentless pain of this world; hold her in Your muscular arms as she runs to you. Love her like You love the children. I surrender, God; the battle’s already been won, so why am I fighting? Take these swords from my vulnerable and imperfect hands and be my Warrior, protecting me from the relentless darts aimed to destroy. 

24 August 2012

Me, a Professional?

Stressed out—the epitome of my life recently as I prepare for nursing school and the crude reality of a once excruciatingly nightmarish future quickly approaching. This summer has been chaotic to say the least, leaving me nearly nonexistent at times and wondering where in the world my sanity lies; earning straight A’s in Human Physiology and Art as a World Phenomenon after a brutal five weeks left me exhausted and utterly burned out, wondering why in the world I do this to myself.
A vacation was exactly what I needed as I headed out to Kentucky to roughly put together a movie for campers of a place vitally near to my childlike heart; the week was not at all as my selfish heart had envisioned but ended up being exactly what I needed—it’s crazy how our God works! Serving is what my heart was made to do and nothing makes it pump faster than a life of fulfilling its purpose. I left camp with new friendships stored in my overworked heart, feeling more refreshed than I ever knew possible.
It seems I can never get enough of camping as yet another weekend was spent in the outdoors—my favorite place. Heart to Hart, our youth trip spent in Hartville, was anticipated by me with very little expectations but turned out refreshing my heart yet again in ways far beyond my own feeble comprehension; God has truly blessed my mere being far beyond measure with the most epic youth group possible, so a weekend spent with them was exceedingly beyond epic! Roughing it is what we do best so outdoor showers, port-a-potties, tents and sports seemed to be a luxury of sorts as well as the perfect setting for peaceful meditation with the Almighty Strengthener. There is nowhere I’d rather be than within the depths of the magnificently beautiful outdoors, surrounded by the very essence of the Creator of the Universe aka my BFF. This week proved to be yet again a time of extravagant renewal, despite the devil’s failed attempts of hindering this by inflicting sickness upon my vulnerable being.
I bet you’ll never guess what my next week consisted of: more camping! Shocking, right? Family is one of the most beautiful and valuable gifts of life, so a weekend spent catching up with each other’s busy lives was gloriously refreshing and encouraging. My heart aching for life spontaneously decided to buy a bunny and so I took my new companion along with us, embarking on her first road trip; there’s no doubt that my soul was created to comfort as each moment spent with the energetic creature in my arms left my heart a flutter. Life is so beautiful!
My last week of summer has been anxiously spent preparing for what now is my future; my microscopic mind fails to grasp all that God has brought me through which is vastly beyond my greatest imagination and dreams. I cannot believe that I am now a sophomore nursing student after countless years of insisting I’d have absolutely nothing to do with medicine once viewed through my wounded eyes as a death trap. Today as I sat in the classroom during nursing orientation the world seemed to cave in upon me and the breath seemingly left my  delicate lungs as I enragingly asked God “why me?” I am well aware of the fact of absolute incompetence and today seemed to put a seal on this fact; I am scared to death to embark on a journey so rigorous yet highly regarded and sometimes want to revert back to the comfort of childhood where responsibility is less and selfishness is center. Despite the fact that I feel as if I’ve learned nothing, implying much deeper the fact of incompetence, I am going to follow Christ: I will take up my cross and go. On my knees, in humble prayer, I will fight this battle because that is where invincibility is found; surrender, as painful as it may be, is the only way to win.
After feeling as if my brain were about to spontaneously combust after another piece of information thrown at it, I chaotically headed up to Akron Children’s Hospital; although my selfish heart would’ve preferred to be at home perfecting the countless nursing responsibilities, I entered the doors to an atmosphere that genuinely needed me and encouraged me to depths beyond comprehension by the very essence of love; as soon as I set foot into the office I felt a sense of peace far beyond description as they literally jumped for joy at my presence since no one was available to run the surgery desk resulting in a mad frenzy. Never have I felt more loved than today as each moment was filled with endless affirmations and even a piece of Dove chocolate from my favorite doctor! Beauty is truly around EVERY corner and this is the proof!
Another exciting requirement of nursing, among the numerous six pound books, is immunizations so on Tuesday I was privileged with five, leaving me nearly unconscious sad to say; yes, as a matter of fact I did push myself too hard by refusing to show weakness resulting in near syncope (fainting) much to my dismay—not one of my favorite moments; I am still recovering as we speak!
Prayer is beyond appreciated as well as vital for my sanity as nursing school approaches and also the scary and excruciating process of publishing my story; the devil is relentlessly attacking me as there is no doubt he’s scared of what God is going to do through my vulnerability—please pray for strength, wisdom and discernment as I put into words the utter darkness once called reality and enlighten a beauty once thought to be nonexistent. Pray most of all that God’s name would be made known because that’s all that really matters.