Every day is literally a relentless battle between the hater and Lover of my soul; I am beaten down time and time again with weapons intended to destroy but the Lover of my soul will not let any life-stealing demons threaten my mere existence because I am His beloved princess and we are one. I am so weary and worn out from trying to fight these insurmountable battles on my own; why do I do this to myself when God is right beside me at all times and never expected me to carry these incapacitating burdens on my shoulders? Nursing school is completely different, I have come to realize and it terrifies me. I’m so used to fighting for straight A’s but in nursing school, the grades don’t matter so much—critical thinking and choosing the most correct answer out of many possible is more essential. My selfish and prideful self wants to maintain a 4.0, so I’ve been absolutely driving myself crazy trying to fight for something nearly impossible within my own feeble and near nonexistent strength. I’ve put God on the backburner and school on the forefront of my wounded and twisted mind, completely abandoning myself as well; pride keeps me from admitting these failures but I remember that in order for God to work, pride has to be absolutely shattered and nonexistent. Even though my writing class offers ten extra points to students with perfect attendance, I decided much against my selfish will, to stay home and take care of my well-abandoned self in order to find strength; I realize it was on my own strength that I was trying to earn an A and I hated myself for not doing everything possible to bring this into reality; however, after a slap in the face, I’ve realized that if God wants me to get an A, he can make it happen whether or not I earn ten extra points or not—He specializes in the impossible! Why do I so regularly fail to remember this essential truth—because I am a fallen human being with nothing to offer but brokenness to the Creator of my soul.
God, forgive me for trying to fight these relentless battles on my own and for following the sinful desires of my heart. Remind me who You are and what strength only You provide. Take these beyond heavy suitcases from my feeble and compromised hands into Your hands that hold the universe so that I can stand again. Restore my soul and ignite the passion within me. Remind me of who I am amidst the chaos of life and to take care of the body You have given me and indeed call Your home. Show me what You see when You look at my wounded being and restore my confidence stolen from the grips of my hand. Mold me into the image created at the very first thought of me and bring me to my potential. Fill my eyes with compassion and my heart with love. Give me Your perfect wisdom and crucify my sinful self along with its selfish desires so that only You remain. If a nurse is what You have called me to be, I pray that You would make it happen while reminding me of my feebleness not intended to fight alone. Restore me and give me the strength to persevere so that lives may be reached. Use me, above all, for Your perfect glory.
For those of you wondering, my book The Beauty of Pain:There is Beauty in Everything, You Just Have to See It is currently being reviewed as well as edited, so please remember to cover it in your prayers. I’m terrified, in all honesty, and completely incompetent but perfect love casts out all fear; the reason I expose my absolute vulnerability is for the sake of others. I will take up my cross along with its shame and follow Christ, no matter where it takes me.