09 February 2013

Searing Pain

I’ve been running, indeed relentlessly sprinting as far away from God’s call as possible because my failures and complete incompetence haunt me, mercilessly dragging me back into their deplorable depths of annihilation; the pain I’ve become accustomed to has left me consistently on edge, assured life is too good to be true amidst the absence of pain because, after all, we were once the best of friends and impenetrably intertwined. When the world came relentlessly crashing down upon my helpless being, the one thing that stuck by my side was pain; its presence was never absent among the torture called life. So, when all things are “fine and dandy”, so to speak, I tend to run away out of adamant fear—because pain is no longer my companion and protector. This all sounds so twisted and completely warped, I can only imagine, but to a girl who has known pain—especially that of rejection—all her life, it makes absolute sense. Pain never rejected her but remained the one constant in life—the one thing she could wholeheartedly count on to stand beside her. After hearing from a young age that I’d never amount to anything—as hard as I fought against it, these cruel and life-stealing words remained instilled within my shattered mind, overtaking each crevice so as to never let me forget these lies; why would the God of the Universe pursue me—the least of these—amidst the rest, I still question? I want so desperately to be loved and accepted despite my countless faults and incompetencies, and to know most of all that I am worthy of love, apart from the all-too-comforting presence of pain—but when these very things are within finger’s reach, with all of my strength I turn to run the opposite direction because it seems to be a trap and my heart is too fragile to trust again. Yes, my mind is twisted and undeniably wounded but that certainly doesn’t make life any less real. A life without pain scares me to death because it’s all I’ve ever known.

Nursing school has been the greatest blessing yet my worst nightmare all at the same time; saving lives and spreading joy is a dream come true but the unknown chasms awaiting me along with the cluelessness accompanying has become my worst nightmare. I’m the type of person who likes to have things “all planned out” and organized yet at the same time spontaneity is my middle name, which makes for an ever-present battle. Yes, I know I specialize in making life harder than what it truly is but in my opinion, the easy way is less appealing and absolutely terrifying.

Countless hours of studying leave me exhausted and repulsed because sitting still is the exact LAST thing I enjoy doing but it’s become reality, as much as I hate and run away from it. I know that one day it will all be worth it and time will once again make its long-lost appearance in my life but impatience overtakes my fallen being, leaving resentment only to fester within the depths of brokenness. Sacrificing a past and what I once hoped to be future committed to whole-hearted and hard-core fitness does not come easily but indeed each moment far exceeds excruciation; giving up everything I once counted on for the sake of truly living may be excruciating but it’s the only way—what I was created to do. The Christian walk is a constant battle—a roller coaster ride—but when I arm myself in the Armor of God, losing is not an option. The hardest part is giving up control—especially when risking rejection once again.

Once again, I’ve been fighting the battle of life on my own despite the fact I know it’s impossible and the mountain completely insurmountable on my own insufficient power; my sinful flesh takes over, convincing me God’s abounding grace and love are too good to be true—that pain is what I was created for. Some days I am too weak to fight back against these lies but when I am too weak to stand, God carries me and protects my nearly lifeless heart. My miniscule mind may never comprehend why He never ceases to pick me up right where I am and mend the shattered pieces into an image of beauty, but for now I will rest in the calm assurance that I do not need to know—that the unknown is a beautiful thing.

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