29 March 2014

Gut-Wrenching Honesty

Lord, I am so exhausted from trying once again to fight this battle on my own; I so quickly and unknowingly try to control everything, for my battered flesh has forgotten how to trust. The wounds of my past continue to haunt me and absolutely bring me to my knees. My weak and abused flesh wants nothing more than to give up, for it is unthinkably weak yet strong-willed. Lord, help me to wait upon You so strength can rise. I feel so incredibly weak and want nothing more than to give up—to run away from the battle that awaits me, for it seems never-ending; may I not become overwhelmed with the future or even the past, but keep my eyes fixed on You and the present moment. Lord, defend me—the weak—and comfort me as I cry out in desperation and adamant agony. Lift me up with wings like eagles so I can soar above the storm. Help me to wait upon You; don’t let me move until You move.  Be my strong deliverer. Defend me. Comfort me. Be my hope and my strong deliverer—the Everlasting God. Keep my eyes fixed on You.

God, thank you that I could receive a letter of encouragement from my friend today; this is such a sign that You have my best interests in mind, but I’m still terrified to do what’s right! God, take away this debilitating fear, for I can’t afford to let it get the best of me. Keep my eyes fixed on You and You alone. Lord, my spirit is willing but my flesh is weak Fill me with Your peace and help me to rise above this. God, I just want to scream—why is this so hard; my flesh wants to run away, for this pain is more than I can bear and far more excruciating than simply remaining static and comfortable—forever enslaved by the chains of my sinful nature and thorn in my flesh. I pray that You’d be the anchor for my soul and help me to say “it is well”. Help me to put on the full armor of God so I can take my stand against the devil’s wicked schemes and remain standing as he attacks me with aggression and the overwhelming intention to annihilate my soul and overall entire being. Help me to stand firm with the belt of truth tightly buckled around my waist, keeping me centered on Your truth; may it become the core of my being. Help me to put on the breastplate of righteousness so I may be righteous and pure; may this armor shield my heart and keep it pure and without blemish—as it was created. Keep my feet fitted with the readiness that comes from the gospel of peace—the peace to do what’s right and readiness to follow You no matter what the cost. Help me to take up the shield of faith to extinguish all the fiery arrows relentlessly shot at my vulnerable flesh. May this shield keep these arrows from touching me—before they can penetrate or even scrape my weak flesh, for I am more vulnerable and weak than I may ever know. Help me to put on the helmet of salvation to keep my mind centered on and filled with the truth of salvation and all I receive once this becomes reality; help me to believe and receive all You so willingly long to offer. May my mind stay focused on these truths—the truths of redemption and forgiveness—rather than these earthly and fleshly desires fighting to steal my peace, strength, attention, focus and satisfaction. Remind me of the reality these intriguing desires bring: the reality that I’m never good enough, never satisfied, and never complete with the lies of Anorexia. Be my hiding place. Help me to take the sword of the Spirit—the Word You’ve written—to destroy the enemy and protect my weak soul; may he not leave victorious or know the satisfaction of winning but instead thoroughly feel the sting of defeat throughout his entire sly and deceitful being. Remind me I have everything I need to walk in victory and convince me it’s worth it—that I am worth it. Remind me who I am in Your eyes, for I’ve hopelessly lost sight and remain completely blind to Your truths—to freedom. My mind has become so used to this pain and remaining sick, miserable, numb, but most of all dead; help me to give up this false identity—this idol—and to let go of being the “sickest” which remains wholly unattainable as the enemy is never satisfied until my heart physically ceases to beat. Help me to embrace my new identity as Your daughter—a beloved Princess of the King.
Help me to believe You’re my only hope and that if You’re not with me, I won’t go. Help me to not fear finding refuge in Your strong and powerful arms but rather to allow my dying soul to be embraced in love—to allow myself to feel and be healed; may I not fear the piercing sensation of touch but rather identify it as a source of comfort rather than pain. Help me to run to You rather than the lies and numbing of this world. Help me to move through the pain, no matter how much it hurts and remind me it’s only temporary. May I forge new and healthy—but most of all Godly—pathways in the many folds of my battered mind. Fill me with truth and overcome me; strip me of my deceitful self and fleshly desires and fill me back up with truth so that it is only You who remains in my being. Help me to boldly step out and walk in faith, knowing the satisfaction and contentment of making right decisions as I wait on You. May I not take one step until You go before me. Crucify my flesh! Lead me all the way and help me not to doubt Your tender mercy. Give me grace for every trial. Lead me and keep my feet from falling. Be my strong deliverer! 

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