The Cry of My Heart

God,

Sometimes I just hate Your plan, for how could You allow such unthinkable pain to overtake me once again? I am too weary to stand, God. I want to believe You are using this inconceivable pain to transform me and bring me closer to Your perfection, but right now these mountains just seem too insurmountable for words. God, I write this with a waterfall of tears raging from within me, for this pain is too much for me to bear on my own. Lord, You are the only one who knows the intentions of my heart and hears the desperation in my adamant cry. These past two and a half weeks have been far beyond brutal, as everything—my entire flesh—is being stripped of me and replaced with Your perfection. God, this stripping hurts more than words and most times I want nothing more than to shrink back in fear and fall captive once again to the comforting pains of anorexia but I can’t fight You; the harder I fight against you, the louder ED’s voice rages and the closer to death I become. As food, what has become my greatest fear and indisputable enemy is literally forced down my throat in what one may see as gluttonous amounts, I want nothing more than to run away—to dig a hole and hide from this inconceivable pain. As the weight, according to my anorexic mind, swiftly rolls on in unhealthy amounts while I helplessly lie here in bed, I want nothing more than to find refuge in Your strong and muscular arms and to feel the holes in your palms—the holes formed so I can find refuge and comfort in You. Maybe this pain isn't so bad—compared to the implausible pain Jesus so willingly suffered for my sake. When it feels as if my neglected stomach will explode from the entrance of one more calorie, I must remember the pain Jesus walked through simply so I could be FREE of all pain and suffering.

“They will see his face, and his name will be on their foreheads. And night will be no more. They will need no light of lamp or sun, for the Lord God will be their light, and they will reign forever and ever.”  Revelation 22: 4-5

“For I consider that the sufferings of this present time are not worth comparing with the glory that is to be revealed to us.”  Romans 8:18

God, sometimes it just doesn't feel fair. I asked for my hospital stay to be extended because I didn't trust myself and desired freedom above all else, but this has been taken advantage of and I wonder where the depths of my small voice have disappeared to—why can no doctor hear them? Am I invisible to them and simply a patient of which to test and prod—a patient without a voice and succumbed to self-destruction? When will they hear my voice and I be able to play a part in the decision-making process rather than destined to the standard textbook treatments of which prevent the unique psychological aspects of my being from consideration? God, help me to see Your face in this unquenchable pain so I may gain inconceivable strength to walk through this fire relentlessly raging against my tender and paper thin flesh. Strengthen me, for I am too weak to stand. As each thought of food brings me to my end, give me the strength to overcome these temptations to restrict and once again fall captive to the comforting sensations of starvation and a desolate stomach. Keep my mind off of the oppressive discomfort my body displays as it fights to survive, not yet convinced it’s safe to trust me after all of the pain I've so willingly put it through. Lord, be my Strength, for I have none left.

“For because he himself has suffered when tempted, he is able to help those who are being tempted.”  Hebrews 2:18

Just as You endured temptation,  give me victory and help me to walk in the path of your commands and live in the strength of Your will; lead me in Your everlasting ways for I don’t want to live outside of Your ways.

No temptation has overtaken you that is not common to man. God is faithful, and he will not let you be tempted beyond your ability, but with the temptation he will also provide the way of escape, that you may be able to endure it.  1 Corinthians 10:13

As this feeding tube rigorously gags me and I desire nothing more than to rip it out from within the depths of my once abandoned stomach, give me the strength to overcome this temptation. Help me to believe the words of 1 Corinthians 10:13: “No temptation has overtaken you that is not common to man. God is faithful, and he will not let you be tempted beyond your ability, but with the temptation he will also provide the way of escape, that you may be able to endure it”.  Help me not to fight these hands that are holding me and swallowed the grave in order to give me life. Lord, may the words of 1 Peter 5: 9-10 become true for even me.

“Resist him, firm in your faith, knowing that the same kinds of suffering are being experienced by your brotherhood throughout the world. And after you have suffered a little while, the God of all grace, who has called you to his eternal glory in Christ, will himself restore, confirm, strengthen, and establish you.”