Why is it so hard for me to be
honest? I so often find myself catastrophizing and expecting the worst to
happen to me, when in reality it so rarely happens. I think I deserve the
worst, but I need to replace the lies beat into my head at such a young age with
God’s truth. Legalism is one of the most harmful things because it’s so
intensely hard to identify, but the consequences are unspeakable. Because of
its harm, I tend to view myself as worthy of nothing more than punishment and
eternally hell, since I am, after all, wholly imperfect. I know I am much too
hard on myself, but it is so hard to replace these lies with truth after
believing something so opposite for the majority of my life.
As many of you know, I recently
got back from an inpatient facility in North Dakota where I was for many weeks
on end; I won’t go into detail about the program, but basically it restored my
health and physically saved my life from the abuse of anorexia but did little
if anything to restore my mind—the true battlefield. Immediately after
returning home from North Dakota, I started a day program in Cleveland, where I
go Monday through Saturday from 7:30 AM until 2:00 PM. I have two weeks to “test
it out” and see how it fits; on Friday marks my two week mark and I am forced
to decide whether to commit to a three month or one year commitment, if any. I’m
definitely learning the rules and regulations of the program, but have let fear
terrify me once again and dictate my actions. I have not been honest with my
treatment team out of fear I will be punished and kicked out of the program if
they saw how I really struggled. Yes, I catastrophize everything, and no, it
does not help but only makes matters worse.
Upon discharge from North
Dakota, I was on around six thousand calories daily, but for some reason they
discharged me on 2000, as well as an exercise plan. Upon coming home, I
struggled intensely to get even close to 2000 calories in and by my second
weigh in I was apparently down quite a bit of weight. Alarmed, my team asked me
what happened and I told half the truth: I had been discharged from inpatient
on way below my body’s needs and was exercising on top of that, explaining the
weight loss. Since I “forgot” to tell them about struggling to get even close
to 2000 calories in, they assumed it was way too little which led to a drastic
increase. Now, I am being forced to eat a ridiculous amount all because of
telling half the truth; I guess it always pays to be honest.
The program has a very strict
protocol where any exchanges missed outside of treatment have to be made up in
treatment by adding to your current meal plan. Since I am already on a
ridiculous amount, I was terrified of being honest about my restriction and
having even MORE added, so I just kept quiet and lied on my diary cards, saying
I’d gotten all my exchanges in. Well, now this leaves me in a hole because I’ve
been lying all this time, struggling to get my meal plan in outside of
treatment but I face another increase since I’ve continued to lose, or at least
am not gaining (How do I know? Because I’ve secretly been weighing myself and
feeling a high, or rush, watching the numbers on the scale rapidly decrease). I
know I need to be honest and tell my team what’s been going on, but I’m
terrified of being kicked out of the program and it’s my last hope to getting
the surgery I so badly need. Maybe if I’m honest, they will decrease my meal
plan to a more manageable amount, but yet again, I risk the consequences of
vulnerability and transparency. I’m also torn because I know I need to gain weight
in order to have surgery and ultimately live, but there is a relentless battle
in my mind, distorting my perception and telling me I am not underweight.
So, when you happen to think of me, please pray that I’d
have the guts to be honest and transparent and that my treatment team would be
understanding and compassionate.
“Lying lips are an abomination
to the Lord, but those who act faithfully are his delight” (Proverbs 12:22).
“And you will know the truth, and
the truth will set you free” (John 8:32).
“The integrity of the upright
guides them, but the crookedness of the treacherous destroys them” (Proverbs
11:3).
2 comments:
God is absolutely and in every way cheering you on!! Not judgementally watching with his arms crossed, just waiting to see you slip up like we so often believe. Don't hold it against yourself! You are free!
God is for you and cheering you on in every way imaginable! He is not judgementally watching with his arms crossed, just waiting to see if you slip up like we so often believe. Don't hold it against yourself! You are free in Jesus! Keep your head up.
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