Inpatient Treatment

I know, it has been far too long since I last updated my blog! My life has been far beyond chaotic, as last year I had to drop out of my senior nursing semester due to medical complications caused by anorexia. After a doctor’s appointment in November 2017, I was forced to seek inpatient treatment STAT, as my weight had dropped to around 50% of my IBW, labs within critical range and vitals unstable; if I refused to go, I would likely die, so I packed my bags and my parents drove me to Pittsburgh, where I would spend the next four months. As much as I fought against it, I only had one choice for an inpatient eating disorder facility, which I had been to three times prior and vowed NEVER to go to again—however, God had other plans! I waited in the DEC for many hours and went through the process of being admitted, which included a physical, lab work and many questions; the next morning I was sent to the ninth floor, which is the dual diagnosis, or drug and alcohol floor, until a bed on the eating disorder floor opened. Later that day I was transferred to the eating disorder floor and began the long journey of medical stabilization. I was started on a low meal plan and increased every couple of days, but the process was delayed a bit due to unstable labs and refeeding syndrome. Once my labs were stabilized, my calories were increased, and my psychiatrist informed me that if I restricted even one time, I would be 302’d, or involuntarily committed and force tube fed. The food at the facility was less than appetizing and rotated on a weekly menu, which was the same every week. Every day included countless “fear foods”, including cheeseburgers, cake, pie, French toast, fries, cookies, etc. and one day I “caved” into restriction, only to refuse the “back-up”, which was Ensure Plus. The team then gave me a choice of either an all Ensure Plus diet or tube feeding, and I chose the Ensure since I refused to get a tube down my nose! Every couple of days the amount of Ensure only increased, until it was a nearly intolerable amount I had to complete in 45 minutes. I began to get sick off the large volume of Ensure Plus forced within 45 minutes and was thus losing weight, so the team decided to involuntarily commit me and feed me “over objection”, which basically meant I couldn’t refuse to be tube-fed. After threatening to rip my tube out, I was restrained to a hospital bed but ripped my tube out, only to have another one replaced, and my restraints tightened so I couldn’t rip it out again. I could get up and go to the bathroom once a shift, and security was called to escort me each time. On each side of me a security officer held my hands behind my back, so I wouldn’t pull out my tube, as my life literally depended on the constant nutrition, which I wouldn’t allow or at least tried to prevent, as I viewed it as poison. After four days of constant nutrition, I was taken out of restraints and slowly given back privileges, such as walking on my own and attending groups. After about a week or so, my phosphorous dropped to a critical low, so I was then immediately sent over to the neighboring hospital to be admitted for IV phosphorous and monitored during and after the infusion. While there, I was threatened once again to be restrained if I refused tube feeding, so I decided to allow it, but immediately began to manipulate the tube feeding. Since the hospital was not familiar with the many “tricks” accompanying anorexia, I was then stabilized and transferred back over to the inpatient unit, where I once again began to manipulate the tube feeding. The team couldn’t figure out why I was continuing to lose weight despite aggressive calorie increases, so I was then put on 24/7 monitoring and “caught”, so to speak, only to be once again forced into four-point restraints. I was hysterical about the situation and the ethics department consulted, who decided it was unethical for me to be restrained for another week, so after 24 hours, I was allowed to walk on my own and attend groups, accompanied by a staff member within arm’s reach. Once I exhibited “good” behavior, absent from pulling my tube out, I was given more freedom, including the chance to go in my room alone, without supervision. I was kept on tube feeding for another month, but one day ripped it out and the team decided it was pointless to keep replacing tubes if I was just going to rip them out, so I was given the choice of how I wanted to receive my nutrition: I could either be tube fed or choose to eat the food provided. I decided to meet them halfway and decided to try and eat a “maintenance” meal plan and receive the rest of my nutrition via overnight tube feeding. I was then slowly weaned off the tube feeding until I could eat ALL my calories orally. Once my weight was stabilized, I was then discharged to home and am now in the process of being admitted to a free Christian residential facility, where I will hopefully spend the next six months. These past four months have been by far the most difficult of my life, as all rights were taken away, including the right to freedom of choice, but I know I would not have survived had not such drastic measures been taken. While I was away at treatment, my grandma passed away, which was devastating for me, as she was one of my greatest supporters. I couldn’t attend her funeral but was given the opportunity to watch it via Facebook Live, which was a blessing! It’s comforting to know she’s in a better place and free of pain and suffering, but I still miss her and can’t believe she’s gone! I have chosen to spend the next six months in treatment, even though it’s scary and seems like a long time, since I know it’s what she would have wanted for me. She asked God right before she died to take her life and in exchange give ME life, so I could be free of anorexia. So, I continue to fight for my life with her in mind, as well as the many people who love and support me!