This life and world in general is so wicked and has the least regard for my well being in mind; after relentless attacks by my enemy who only wants to see me suffer and ultimately destroy me, I was once again brought to my knees in complete despair. As beautiful as the devil’s lies seem, lies like if I only run twelve more miles then I will be worthy of love, they are twisted and ultimately intended for complete destruction. The devil wants to keep me so focused on myself that I can no longer be a warrior for Christ. He knows that God is using me, so he wants to get me as far away from God as possible; he knows my weaknesses all too well. He knows that running and a life of sports used to be my identity and what I lived for, so he tries to slowly twist it back into my vulnerable and helpless mind. He is a sick and evil monster whom words cannot even begin to describe. Never in my life did I expect life to be this hard, especially when I am secretly attacked time and time again by the hater of my soul. It’s amazing how at any second he can steal my joy away and cloud my mind as to who I am.
A life in recovery from Anorexia and the disease of over-exercising is by no means easy nor will the temptations ever go away. Yesterday I was reminded of this truth as my world seemed to come crashing down in a matter of seconds; to those who have never struggled with Anorexia, this may make no sense but I am not asking you to understand but merely to believe what I say and to empathize with my vulnerable mind. After hearing that my body had gained two pounds(this may not seem like a lot, but to a mind consumed with Anorexia the amount doesn’t matter but merely the word gained brings me to my knees; this sick disease is built on the fact that when it comes to losing weight, there is no limit but gaining is a whole different story) my sinful mind was consumed with thoughts of self-hatred and an overwhelming desire to lose this weight, no matter what it took.Even though I'd been told many times that maintaining weight meant variations within a range, the devil's taunts became too much for my weak mind to overcome. My sick mind wanted nothing more than to avoid food at all costs and to turn to over-exercising to make up for my “loss of determination”. Several years ago I damaged my hamstring and to the extent of injury I am not certain, but several weeks ago the excruciating pain reentered my body; all of my life I have endured despite the pain and have ignored it only to numb my wounds and disregard my body. Ever since the pain reappeared, I have not given up running and yesterday, as I was limping and could hardly move, I did not give in to the pain of my piercing rods and screws nor my hamstring but braced my leg only to run several miles too many.As I was looking to external things of this world to fill the increasing void in my heart, it left me hopeless, discouraged and unsurprisingly in pain. Satan keeps slowly easing the desire to over exercise and ultimately earn love and acceptance into my wounded mind; every woman longs to hear she’s beautiful and that her very being is quite enough, and I am certainly no exception. Yes, I gave into the devil’s lies of how to attain these desires, but I refuse to believe that I have to continue to do so. I am loved merely by existing and being myself- the woman God had in mind when He created me. No matter how many miles I run, how many pounds I lift, how little I weigh…nothing will change His unending love for me which is based solely on my existence, without any additions or subtractions to this value.
As I see the world around me seeking to exercise to fill the voids of insecurity, I question if it is truly a sin and wonder why I too can’t do the same; I am reminded that a single change begins with one person and the fact that I can only change myself. The unfulfilling life of extreme exercise once defined me but no longer belongs because there is then no room for the God of the Universe; pride cannot exist with God running my life. Instead of following my sinful desires led by pride, I want to decrease so that God can increase; this life is not about my own accomplishments but of God’s! I want my confidence to be Christ-confidence and not of this world. As excruciating as it is to let go of my sinful desires, I choose to do so. God has called me to greater things of which cannot exist with earthly things. I have to let go of my past in order to move forward and to forgive myself for repeatedly falling down- for trying to get through life on my own. I believe the devil is relentlessly attacking me because he knows God has called me to greater things; I cannot, no matter how hard I try, overcome his grueling and deathly attacks on my own but instead require complete surrender to the God whose presence makes the darkness flee. Everything on this earth will fade including my clothes, body, possessions, and will have zero impact at the gates of Heaven. Instead of looking to satisfy my own desires and to put myself first, I am going to satisfy the needs of others by surrendering to a life of humbleness, wherever the God of the Universe takes me. The devil wants to keep me sidetracked from sharing with the world his lies and where believing them has led me; he wants to keep me from loving and serving- to steal my joy as nursing school approaches. As much as my evil self wants to buy the workout DVD Insanity to bring forth false contentment, I want to use this same amount of money to buy something which is not of solely my own benefit but that which will benefit so many more- a stethoscope.
I am choosing to set aside my own selfish and prideful desires in order to let God work in me and to influence others who matter just as much as me into His kingdom. My joy comes solely from the Lord and satisfaction comes through service; I am going to serve the world through my calling as a nurse. Perfection and being the “best” is impossible and I refuse to strive for something which is unattainable and ultimately destructive. No matter how I look, how many miles I run, how many home runs I hit, my identity is found in Christ alone; my ultimate desire is that if someone loves me, they’re loving God because the two are intertwined so tightly and cannot be separated.