Rejected

REJECTED…flat out rejected; devil, how does it feel? I personally like throwing you and your stupid lies straight to the ground into the depths of this eroding world; you’re stuck here while I dance with Jesus on golden streets and become His bride. It saddens me that you have chosen this evil and disgusting path, but it's never too late to turn around. What else do I need when the God of the universe is my bridegroom, waiting for me because He loves me just that much; my small mind cannot fathom this unspeakable glory but my heart leaps at the thought of wearing white, pure white and a crown of jewels too marvelous to imagine. I, as helpless and undeserving as I am, get to share in the splendor of the King in His kingdom being perfected just for me, His child and bride.

The reason I say the devil is rejected is because, I am so excited to say, that as much as I wanted to give in to his lies I DIDN’T but instead ran the opposite way into the open arms of my Lover who has never left my side, even when all I could do was crawl in agony toward the unseen. As I’ve mentioned earlier, I’ve acquired yet another illness which quite frankly sucks and consumes me with pain. For the past several weeks I’ve felt physically drained and just plain sick but completely disregarded it until several days ago I could no longer do so; it had gotten to the point where the pain and college stress was hindering me from eating intuitively and listening to the needs of my body, which ED of course loved; he was loving every minute of an empty stomach and the thought of shedding a few pounds. Sitting around truly does not come easy for me, but with studying I've had to force myself. Bloating, nausea, fatigue and pain in general have become my companions over these last weeks. I was vulnerable and he, the sly devil took advantage of it. These past weeks have been absolutely brutal as the competition of becoming one of the fifty nursing students annually is nearing a close yet not losing an ounce of its steam. God seemed so distant yet so close; at times I felt alone on this journey without a sense of direction leading me back into the arms of my Warrior; no, He never left—it was just me trying to take control and do it all. I brought this hemorrhoid upon myself from worrying too much leading to excessive studying, meaning oh so much sitting which I’ve realized my body does not like; I think this was God’s way of slowing me down and giving it all up in complete surrender which I’ve learned is something He treasures and uses for strength. Quite frankly, I don’t deserve to call myself one of the fifty accepted because on my own I am nothing more than dust; if I do get accepted, it is completely by the gracious hand of God who loves me with a love beyond any comprehension still of this world. God does not view the world through eyes expecting perfection, unlike me, but knows that because of the fall of mankind I am prone to sin and incapable on my own strength to be all I was intended to be. I see this as beautiful because the absolute only way I can become the radiant warrior He created me to be is by seeking Him; I am strongest when I am at His feet, being molded into the perfect image of Love Himself.

I am relieved beyond description that finals are over and I actually have time to breathe and care for my long abandoned self. Every time finals come around, something goes wrong; it seems like a whirlwind trying to pull me away from God, my strength and only sense of hope. Last year my computer stopped working and this year it was my iPod; you may not think this is of any disadvantage, but in my eyes it is just one more obstacle trying to redirect my footsteps from God. Music is a way of expressing myself and feeling God’s presence throughout the entire day; with His words consuming my mind, there is nothing too big and the things of this world don’t seem to matter anymore.

Today, as I was once again tempted relentlessly to disregard my body and the cues it so willingly gives me, I chose to take the hard way by drenching myself in truth. As I see others around me punishing themselves for falling short of perfection yet still striving for that ever intensifying and hopeless dream, I am reminded that I too have been there and have never felt more miserable and utterly hopeless in my life. As I picture this girl, wounded and alone, I see God beckoning me toward Him as He shows me what He sees; our standards look nothing similar but are indeed complete opposites. When I see ugly and beyond love, this is what God sees and reminds me of:

Dear Child,

You may not know me, but I know everything about you. (Psalm 139:1) I know when you sit down and when you rise up. ( Psalm 139:2) I am familiar with all your ways. (Psalm 139:3) Even the very hairs on your head are numbered. (Matthew 10:29-31)For you were made in my image. (Genesis 1:27) In me you live and move and have your being. (Acts 17:28) For you are my offspring. (Acts 17:28) I knew you even before you were conceived. (Jeremiah 1:4-5) I chose you when I planned creation. (Ephesians 1:11-12) You were not a mistake, for all your days are written in my book. (Psalm 139:15-16) I determined the exact time of your birth and where you would live. (Acts 17:26) You are fearfully and wonderfully made. (Psalm 139:14) I knit you together in your mother's womb. (Psalm 139:13) And brought you forth on the day you were born. (Psalm 71:6) I have been misrepresented by those who don't know me. (John 8:41-44) I am not distant and angry, but am the complete expression of love. (1 John 4:16) And it is my desire to lavish my love on you. (1 John 3:1) Simply because you are my child and I am your Father. (1 John 3:1) I offer you more than your earthly father ever could. (Matthew 7:11) For I am the perfect father. (Matthew 5:48) Every good gift that you receive comes from my hand. (James 1:17) For I am your provider and I meet all your needs. (Matthew 6:31-33)My plan for your future has always been filled with hope. (Jeremiah 29:11) Because I love you with an everlasting love.  (Jeremiah 31:3) My thoughts toward you are countless as the sand on the seashore.(Psalms 139:17-18) And I rejoice over you with singing. (Zephaniah 3:17) I will never stop doing good to you. (Jeremiah 32:40) For you are my treasured possession. (Exodus 19:5) I desire to establish you with all my heart and all my soul. (Jeremiah 32:41) And I want to show you great and marvelous things. (Jeremiah 33:3) If you seek me with all your heart, you will find me. (Deuteronomy 4:29) Delight in me and I will give you the desires of your heart. (Psalm 37:4) For it is I who gave you those desires. (Philippians 2:13) I am able to do more for you than you could possibly imagine. (Ephesians 3:20) For I am your greatest encourager. (2 Thessalonians 2:16-17) I am also the Father who comforts you in all your troubles. (2 Corinthians 1:3-4) When you are brokenhearted, I am close to you. (Psalm 34:18) As a shepherd carries a lamb, I have carried you close to my heart. (Isaiah 40:11) One day I will wipe away every tear from your eyes. (Revelation 21:3-4) And I'll take away all the pain you have suffered on this earth. (Revelation 21:3-4)I am your Father, and I love you even as I love my son, Jesus. (John 17:23) For in Jesus, my love for you is revealed.  (John 17:26) He is the exact representation of my being. (Hebrews 1:3) He came to demonstrate that I am for you, not against you. (Romans 8:31) And to tell you that I am not counting your sins. (2 Corinthians 5:18-19) Jesus died so that you and I could be reconciled. (2 Corinthians 5:18-19) His death was the ultimate expression of my love for you. (1 John 4:10) I gave up everything I loved that I might gain your love. (Romans 8:31-32) If you receive the gift of my son Jesus, you receive me. (1 John 2:23)And nothing will ever separate you from my love again. (Romans 8:38-39) Come home and I'll throw the biggest party heaven has ever seen. (Luke 15:7) I have always been Father, and will always be Father.(Ephesians 3:14-15)
My question is… Will you be my child? (John 1:12-13) I am waiting for you. (Luke 15:11-32)

Love, Your Dad
Almighty God