Straining

Hello world; where have you been or I guess the real question is “Where have I been?”! As I look around, I am amazed at the beauty still apparent when I take the time to slow down and look at it. I feel like I’ve been living on a different planet lately and quite frankly, it saddens me; I knew nursing school would consume my life, but now it’s becoming reality and it’s not very fun! ;) I miss the freedom which I once possessed! You know, I am exhausted; I’ve been holding on so tightly to my dream, which actually isn’t even mine but God’s! It’s hard for me to completely trust Him, but when I think about it, that’s stupid because HE is the one who put this dream in my heart; I never thought I’d actually want to be a nurse but God completely turned my thoughts around, so why would He take it away? Even if He does take it away, it’s not the end of the world; there are so many more things I can do and black and white no longer defines me, although it likes to sneak in and distort my fragile mind. I’ve come so close to nursing and it honestly scares me; I’m afraid to lose it yet I’m afraid to go on. I wish I could lay in God’s muscular arms and feel His tight grip around me, never letting me go and comforting my aching body; I long to sit at His feet and glance in awe of His beauty beyond comprehension. I cannot wait to see the scars which pierced my Lord’s hands and feet and to see that we have something in common- we both have scars and I no longer find that demeaning; I want to touch His scars and feel His gentle fingers touching the scar along my back. I love to dream of this day and it is what keeps me going; nothing of this world defines me and I could lose it all- everything on this earth.

I’ve been striving so hard to accomplish all I can but I just have to surrender each and every second because so quickly my heart can change and long for control without me even recognizing; my heart is beyond my own comprehension. I wish surrender would come easier, but then I guess it wouldn’t be as special. So many times I am thrown to my knees, but that is where I find God; as much as the enemy tells me I’ve failed, he’s the one who’s failed because on my knees I am the strongest because GOD is the one fighting! If being on my knees is what it takes for my stubborn soul to surrender to the God of the universe, then I will go there as many times as it takes until surrender becomes so intertwined into my soul and routine.

This semester has been brutal and it seems like a mere dream…too good to be true that it’s over. The perfectionist side in me is freaking out; with her there’s always something I failed at which is beyond frustrating. As hard as it is to fight against the monster of perfectionism as she tells me only A’s are acceptable, I’m trying; I know that whatever my grades, my future is in the hands of the Creator and no human effort can ever compare to the significance of everything He does without any effort at all. No, surrender is not easy but it’s the only way to true life and happiness; if surrender takes me somewhere other than nursing, then I will continue to follow because nothing is greater and more liberating than a life free of worry and consumed by love. Wherever God calls me, I will follow; this battle is not over and this stubborn competitor is not giving up! I will keep running the race with God at my side, carrying me when my legs can no longer support my weight. Pride, there is no room in my life for you although you like to squeeze in, removing other necessities so your stubborn and ugly self can take a place in my soul.

The past couple of weeks I have been struggling with sickness which I know come from stress suppressing my immune system; sometimes I forget how it feels to live without physical pain and it once again becomes normal. My sinuses hate me as well as many other body parts; after finally refusing to deny the pain, I’ve come to the conclusion that I have a hemorrhoid which is beyond embarrassing and the opposite of fun; oh college, you bring so many new adventures! Lol  I guess this is my body’s way of crying out to me to stop studying; I feel like a walking textbook and don’t quite know what to do with all this time for myself. It’s time to do things for myself which has become so foreign. Oh, and my twin sister comes home in exactly twenty-one days; how will I contain myself?! I cannot wait to hold her in my arms and talk to her face to face!! The bed beside my own will finally be filled with a human- oh how beautiful! It’s ME time now; hello world, I’m back!