29 March 2014

Gut-Wrenching Honesty

Lord, I am so exhausted from trying once again to fight this battle on my own; I so quickly and unknowingly try to control everything, for my battered flesh has forgotten how to trust. The wounds of my past continue to haunt me and absolutely bring me to my knees. My weak and abused flesh wants nothing more than to give up, for it is unthinkably weak yet strong-willed. Lord, help me to wait upon You so strength can rise. I feel so incredibly weak and want nothing more than to give up—to run away from the battle that awaits me, for it seems never-ending; may I not become overwhelmed with the future or even the past, but keep my eyes fixed on You and the present moment. Lord, defend me—the weak—and comfort me as I cry out in desperation and adamant agony. Lift me up with wings like eagles so I can soar above the storm. Help me to wait upon You; don’t let me move until You move.  Be my strong deliverer. Defend me. Comfort me. Be my hope and my strong deliverer—the Everlasting God. Keep my eyes fixed on You.

God, thank you that I could receive a letter of encouragement from my friend today; this is such a sign that You have my best interests in mind, but I’m still terrified to do what’s right! God, take away this debilitating fear, for I can’t afford to let it get the best of me. Keep my eyes fixed on You and You alone. Lord, my spirit is willing but my flesh is weak Fill me with Your peace and help me to rise above this. God, I just want to scream—why is this so hard; my flesh wants to run away, for this pain is more than I can bear and far more excruciating than simply remaining static and comfortable—forever enslaved by the chains of my sinful nature and thorn in my flesh. I pray that You’d be the anchor for my soul and help me to say “it is well”. Help me to put on the full armor of God so I can take my stand against the devil’s wicked schemes and remain standing as he attacks me with aggression and the overwhelming intention to annihilate my soul and overall entire being. Help me to stand firm with the belt of truth tightly buckled around my waist, keeping me centered on Your truth; may it become the core of my being. Help me to put on the breastplate of righteousness so I may be righteous and pure; may this armor shield my heart and keep it pure and without blemish—as it was created. Keep my feet fitted with the readiness that comes from the gospel of peace—the peace to do what’s right and readiness to follow You no matter what the cost. Help me to take up the shield of faith to extinguish all the fiery arrows relentlessly shot at my vulnerable flesh. May this shield keep these arrows from touching me—before they can penetrate or even scrape my weak flesh, for I am more vulnerable and weak than I may ever know. Help me to put on the helmet of salvation to keep my mind centered on and filled with the truth of salvation and all I receive once this becomes reality; help me to believe and receive all You so willingly long to offer. May my mind stay focused on these truths—the truths of redemption and forgiveness—rather than these earthly and fleshly desires fighting to steal my peace, strength, attention, focus and satisfaction. Remind me of the reality these intriguing desires bring: the reality that I’m never good enough, never satisfied, and never complete with the lies of Anorexia. Be my hiding place. Help me to take the sword of the Spirit—the Word You’ve written—to destroy the enemy and protect my weak soul; may he not leave victorious or know the satisfaction of winning but instead thoroughly feel the sting of defeat throughout his entire sly and deceitful being. Remind me I have everything I need to walk in victory and convince me it’s worth it—that I am worth it. Remind me who I am in Your eyes, for I’ve hopelessly lost sight and remain completely blind to Your truths—to freedom. My mind has become so used to this pain and remaining sick, miserable, numb, but most of all dead; help me to give up this false identity—this idol—and to let go of being the “sickest” which remains wholly unattainable as the enemy is never satisfied until my heart physically ceases to beat. Help me to embrace my new identity as Your daughter—a beloved Princess of the King.
Help me to believe You’re my only hope and that if You’re not with me, I won’t go. Help me to not fear finding refuge in Your strong and powerful arms but rather to allow my dying soul to be embraced in love—to allow myself to feel and be healed; may I not fear the piercing sensation of touch but rather identify it as a source of comfort rather than pain. Help me to run to You rather than the lies and numbing of this world. Help me to move through the pain, no matter how much it hurts and remind me it’s only temporary. May I forge new and healthy—but most of all Godly—pathways in the many folds of my battered mind. Fill me with truth and overcome me; strip me of my deceitful self and fleshly desires and fill me back up with truth so that it is only You who remains in my being. Help me to boldly step out and walk in faith, knowing the satisfaction and contentment of making right decisions as I wait on You. May I not take one step until You go before me. Crucify my flesh! Lead me all the way and help me not to doubt Your tender mercy. Give me grace for every trial. Lead me and keep my feet from falling. Be my strong deliverer! 

26 March 2014

Armor of the Lord

“Finally, be strong in the Lord and in His mighty power. Put on the full armor of God, so that you can take your stand against the devil’s schemes. For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms. Therefore, put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand. Stand firm then, with the belt of truth buckled around your waist, with the breastplate of righteousness in place, and with your feet fitted with the readiness that comes from the gospel of peace. In addition to all this, take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one. Take the helmet of salvation and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God. And pray in the spirit on all occasions with all kinds of prayers and requests. With this in mind, be alert and always keep on praying.”
Ephesians 6:10-18

            I give this day to You, for I am tired of trying to control everything and ending up depressed, hopeless, frustrated and utterly exhausted. I was not made to control but to surrender yet I grasp these chains with unyielding strength, even though they’re suffocating me. Help me to believe I deserve more than this—that I don’t deserve the gruesome and blood-curdling pain I inflict upon myself to numb the relentless and debilitating feelings of shame and guilt I’ve grown accustomed to for something completely out of my control. Help me to see truth: that it was not my fault, nor do You blame me for the heartless injustice uttered toward Your vulnerable, innocent and pure little girl—Your prized possession. Show me that although no one else heard her piercing and desperate cries for protection and deliverance—that You heard and wept for the unthinkable injustice she’d silently endured. Remind this wounded and bleeding little girl that pain is not of You but of the hater of her soul and although it may sting with burning and skin-peeling aggression, You and You alone can bring beauty from the injustice and gently bandage her gushing wounds, bringing forth healing and redemption. Although walking through the pain is far more uncomfortable and seems wholly impossible, remind her that it’s only temporary and absolutely necessary in order to move forward. And when this girl wants nothing more than to run back into the welcoming and comfort-filled arms of pain, for it’s all she’s ever known, remind her that she deserves so much more—that she was not created for pain and to simply go through the motions but rather to embrace life with passion, spontaneity, joy, and unrestrained courage. Help her to put on the full armor of God so she can declare her stand against the schemes of her heartless aggressor. Help her to stand firm with the belt of truth tightly buckled around her waist so she can see past and resist the devil’s lies; with the breastplate of righteousness in place to guard her wounded and bleeding heart—the overspring of life—so it can once again burst forth with life and unquenchable passion; with her feet fitted with the readiness of the gospel of peace—forever at rest with the peace of God and therefore revitalized and ready to fight and take her stand for the spot You’ve saved for her precious soul created solely in Your perfect image; to embrace her place in this world as a light in the darkness and instrument of God; to take up the shield of unwavering faith so she can extinguish the flaming arrows of the evil one before they breed destruction, so they can in no way harm her; to take the helmet of salvation protecting her mind—the battleground—from the lies of hopelessness, depression and shame only to embrace the truth of salvation, which is freedom, life, unquenchable passion, joy and every other good thing You’ve promised to those who believe; to accept everything You long to offer her—everything of value; to take the sword of the Spirit—the Word—to fight against the hater of her soul and perfector of deceit. Help her to pray without ceasing, forever in Your presence of safety and grace, and to always be alert and aware of the enemy’s schemes as he waits like a lion, momentarily ready to pounce on his unexpecting victim with relentless and unyielding aggression.  Give her everything she needs to walk in victory and embrace the life You’ve created for her.