Clueless

“God, where do I go from here?” When God called me into nursing, after A LOT of convincing, I finally obeyed. I gave Him my agenda on a blank sheet of paper for Him to fill in the details. After receiving the physical and emotional healing I needed to move forward, God called me into college so I followed, scared to death! College has been amazing as I can feel God right by my side; however, I can’t always feel Him as He draws away so I remember I’m nothing without Him & I can’t take Him for granted. I’m currently in college for nursing as God called me to Kent to get my BSN; this is not what I wanted as nursing is extremely competitive. To get into nursing school, grades and GPA literally are everything because nothing else counts. Others were right when they said the road is NOT easy; God is teaching me daily to rely fully on Him. As hard as it already is to rely fully on God, He is now calling me to trust even MORE; I am reluctant because it seems IMPOSSIBLE & I’m scared to death. The work required to keep a GPA high enough to even be considered into the Nursing program is beyond my ability; God truly is testing my faith and trust through this. As if this isn’t hard enough, I feel Him calling me now into something even MORE important in which I’ve been avoiding and trying to manipulate my way out of: to write a book. I’ve been avoiding this because I have NO idea how to write a book and I don’t find myself worthy of doing so; I also don’t see how it could be possible with my already crazy and stressful  college life. I thought nursing was my calling……. Am I wrong God?!  What do I do? How can I possibly write a book while being a full time college student?

As I was reading The Purpose Driven Life this morning I came across some very straight-forward and indeed harsh words from God which basically told me my life will be WORTHLESS if I don’t fulfill my calling: to serve and bring others into the Body of Christ. God could come at any second so I don’t have forever to fulfill this calling; in fact, my time really “should” be up as I’m only breathing because of a miracle but God had other plans for me. The clock is ticking every second and I’m more concerned about blindly following God then fulfilling my own goals and “successes”.  God, I don’t want to do this; I want to bring others to you but why now? Why me? I don’t understand; however, regardless of my own deceived and fallen self I am going to follow you, the image of Perfection and Goodness Himself. I trust you more then I trust myself. Oh God, the road is going to be hard and bumpy, but “I will go”; use me to reach one more for you because that is ALL that matters!!  I am afraid but replace my fear with strength and wisdom because we are a team God and you will NEVER leave my side!!

I have NO idea neither to what I’m doing nor what the future holds; all I’m certain of is that I’m willing to follow the narrow road. Maybe God just wanted me to give my plans to Him on a blank sheet and to surrender; to see if I am willing just as He did to Abraham by calling him to sacrifice his one and only son just to see if he was willing. If my experiences can save at least one person then the benefits outweigh the costs.