26 January 2012

Dreaming Beauty

Oh ED, you are a sneaky demon and you never give up, do you? Didn’t you know that when I wrote goodbye to you, I meant it for GOOD?! Maybe I am a threat to you, but just keep on attacking me, as hard as that is for me to say, because I know that each time you attack me it only makes me stronger in the end; you use the same tactics every time but now I see past your lies. Your existence is tragic but your death is well worth the wait and HARD work because goodness and truth in the end will reign over you and I want to play a part in your DEATH; oh yes, I said it! You are no longer a threat to me, no matter how hard you try. I’ll admit it, you are pretty convincing and your lies are painful. But, I see past what you’ve twisted to look like freedom, happiness, and acceptance to chains holding me down from true life and all the things you once promised; I see death in your path which is the opposite of what you promised, you sick liar. I am fed up with you; you tell me that those who are “smaller” than me are better and have more self-discipline even though I still can’t see the truth and reality of how I really look because you’ve distorted my eyes. I’ll never be tall and skinny, but that’s ok because who am I to tell the God of the universe He made a mistake when He created me uniquely? I may never have run a marathon, but you lie to me when you say those who have are better than me. There’s more to life than sports even though I’m still struggling to let go of my past dreams and what used to be my life and identity; I’m scared of letting go, but you’ve just made it easier by enlightening me with the fact that I am still holding onto my dreams of becoming a well-known athlete. I thought I’d let that go, so thank you for showing me that! I may never be the best runner, best softball player, and so on but I’ve found that my identity is not found in those temporary, fleeting, falsely satisfying things but instead in Christ alone. If I am known as the best runner in the world that might keep a smile on my face for some time but that smile and joy will eventually fade into the mists of the air surrounding me. The only love and acceptance which will forever keep a smile on my face and fill me with joy and passion is found in the supernatural love of God who sent His own flesh and blood, the absolute best He had, to be nailed to a cross and to die a cruel and terrifying death; the beauty is that Jesus was raised from the dead by supernatural powers not of this world just so I could keep this smile on my face and joy and passion in my heart. As much as you try to convince me elsewise, my life is not my own but is a gift from God who sent His spirit to dwell inside of me; when I punish myself, I am punishing God; life with you, ED, is a life of punishment and bondage. You seem to know my weaknesses and try to twist lies into my mind without me even noticing, but I’m not that stupid! I am a threat to you because the Holy Spirit is living inside of me and guiding my way; God has called me to nursing and you will do ANYTHING you possibly can to keep me from that- where God wants to use me. You even go so far as to tell me that if I exercise more, I will be a “better” and “stronger” person because you know my past; you fail to realize, however that my past does not define me. Placing my energy and time in extreme fitness and exercise is not going to get me closer to my future but will bring me hostage to my past; I don’t have to be as in shape, as muscular, etc. because my worth is no longer found there. I will NOT live a life in bondage to your lies; lies from the devil. Your lies lead to death and eternal torture but God’s truth leads to everlasting life of joy and excitement. Being the best is not possible- God’s already taken that role! I am going to live my life with God at the center instead of my selfish self; self-satisfaction is found in self-denial and taking up my cross, no matter where it takes me. My worth is not found on the outside but the inside which eventually radiates outward to sparkle and light up the world. Life with you, ED results in a cow pasture surrounded by “cow pies” but life with God results in SPARKLES around every corner! Hmmm….what a hard choice! NOT! You are a fool to think you can beat my warrior and my King; you’ve already been beaten and are living on wasted time. Sparkles are going to fill this world and I am choosing to DREAM BEAUTY!

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