Some days I’m left crying out to life to slow down whereas other days I long for life to speed up; either I can’t find the balance or I can never be satisfied remains the two options. With college starting up again, I’ve had to put myself into school mode and switch gears from the slow lane into the fast lane. I’m recalling how to live in the fast lane and remembering how challenging it can be when I don’t stay focused. My classes once again are intense; some days I want nothing more than to give up; some days it feels like my brain will literally explode from one more thing! Lies flood my mind about my own worth and my capabilities, crippling me at times and knocking me down relentlessly with a weight beyond my strength. Failures come my way one after another, but then God shows me what I viewed as a failure He sees through different eyes; eyes not expecting perfection. He reveals to me the cruelty of my expectations through the harshness of reality and makes known the self-inflicted wounds caused by words with the power to destroy. He reveals to me the beauty evident in each situation, when it is too painful to search any longer. My God is my strength; strength I do not deserve but receive through the shedding of innocent blood.
Last week something happened; a true work of the Holy Spirit indeed, which I can’t deny but came at an extremely inconvenient time! I received a phone call from an agency who wants to assist in publishing a book- my book. Fear cripples me and beats me relentlessly with the unknown possibilities of exposing myself to the whole world; of stripping the walls down which secure all of my most hidden darkness. The pain at times overwhelms me and relentless criticism from heartless souls shatters my already wounded heart. I am clueless as to writing a book and I HATE that feeling; the world of publishing is a foreign land to me and leaves me having to blaze a trail once again into the unknown. I don’t have enough to say to write a book; I’m just a young inexperienced teenager who is scared to death to say yes to becoming an author. A decision awaits me in which there are only two paths and I’m struggling to feel the push of God in the right direction; sometimes I wish He’d just make a billboard or eliminate the options to make it clear to me.
This week we made a care package for Courtney and her team stuffed to the brim with her favorite goodies. I wanted to make something special for each individual on the team and God placed an image into my mind of what to do. I searched store after store in search of rung note cards and finally found some making the journey well worth the wait. I designed cover pages individualized to each team member in hopes of combining their personalities with strength for each day. I had good intentions of filling these books completely with scripture, quotes and other forms of encouragement but ran out of time and hand cramping consumed my only hands. I picked out and wrote in each individual’s book verses which God nudged me to include and encouraged each in all ways I felt so called. This is what got me through the darkest times of my life and brought me to light more vibrant than words; I pray God does the same for each one of them and that they pass on the tradition and “weapons” of sort to those at war with the enemy.
I continue to stand in awe of the beauty at Akron Children’s; a place almost my deathbed is now my home- a home filled with love and laughter. This is what keeps me going in the craziness of nursing school; the hopes of doing for others what others have done for me, of spreading joy and laughter to those who just want to cry, of bringing hope to the hopeless and comfort to those lacking, of bringing smiles to the hurting, of serving those who need it most, and most of all to
LOVE -The one thing with the capacity
· To heal
· To overcome all darkness
· To bring freedom into reality
· To bring hope to the hopeless
· To provide undefeatable strength
· To bring beauty to all things
· To bring families back together
· To save the lost
· To put a smile on anyone’s face
· To provide comfort
· To draw together
· To bring motivation
And so much more! I’ve always believe and still do believe, as crazy as it may sound that love is what makes the world go round; I firmly believe that love will overcome all things.