Not by my Strength

I’ve been told countless times I would never recover; my Anorexia was too severe to ever truly and fully walk in recovery. “You will never be the same person and in fact will have many medical problems since you’ve put your body through years of torment and starvation.” Hopeless words like these haunt my mind as I recall the ugly and dark past once called reality. I’ve been told many times I shouldn’t be breathing because of all I put my body through and the efforts my own body took to preserve my quickly fading and eroding self.  Hope seemed to vanish into the dark crevices underground protected by life stealing demons. When hope seemed forever lost and all measures exhausted, I cried out to my Father in Heaven, “I have no desire to live anymore for this burden is too much to carry and is weighing me down to nothing. My body is quickly dying and time is wasting away; I’m clueless, Lord and exhausted. My mind makes no sense as thoughts relentlessly swirl about in every direction tearing at my mind. Is this the life you have called me to live; a life of torture and suffering all the days of my life? I know that I don’t deserve anything more, but a part of me, deep down in my soul is clinging to the tiny particles of hope left. I believe you have something more for me, but I’m exhausted and quickly fading. I surrender everything that’s left in me, which is not much, to you. Take the shattered pieces of my heart and mold them into something beautiful for your glory. Overcome the darkness of evil and sin to reveal the light of truth. I have come to my end and am clueless where to go from here. Carry me, Lord for I am too weak to stand. Don’t give up on me, even when everyone else has! Abba, Father, I cry out for mercy and for grace to save my ever wandering self.”

Sanctus Real’s song “Whatever You’re Doing” speaks perfectly to the chaos going on inside of me.

It's time for healing time to move on
It's time to fix what's been broken too long
Time to make right what has been wrong
It's time to find my way to where I belong
There's a wave that's crashing over me
And all I can do is surrender

(Chorus)
Whatever You're doing inside of me
It feels like chaos but somehow there's peace
It's hard to surrender to what I can't see
but I'm giving in to something Heavenly

Time for a milestone
Time to begin again
Reevaluate who I really am
Am I doing everything to follow Your will
Or just climbing aimlessly over these hills
So show me what it is You want from me
I give everything I surrender...
To...

(Chorus)
Whatever You're doing inside of me
It feels like chaos but somehow there's peace
It's hard to surrender to what I can't see
but I'm giving in to something Heavenly
Something Heavenly

Time to face up
Clean this old house
Time to breathe in and let everything out
That I've wanted to say for so many years
Time to release all my held back tears

Whatever You're doing inside of me
It feels like chaos but I believe
You're up to something bigger than me
Larger than life something Heavenly

Whatever You're doing inside of me
It feels like chaos but now I can see
This is something bigger than me
Larger than life something Heavenly
Something Heavenly

It's time to face up
Clean this old house
Time to breathe in and let everything out

Just when all hope was lost, a hero arrived to prove the world wrong and to save his precious princess from the tight grips of evil destroying her. “The Lord says this to you: Be not afraid or dismayed at this great multitude; for this battle is not yours, but God’s (2 Chronicles 20:15).” On my own, I was incapable and powerless over sin; God on the other hand could defeat it effortlessly in the blink of an eye. He proved professionals wrong and brought me to the other side of the fence to abundant life full of unceasing beauty. My knight in shining armor is the King of the entire universe and loves nothing more than to prove mere humans wrong. Miracles are what he specializes in. Weakness is not a curse but a gift; a chance to experience the power of a relentless King bigger than words.  2 Corinthians 12:9 says, “but he has told me, My grace is all you need, because my power is perfected in weakness. Therefore, I will most happily boast about my weaknesses, so that the Messiah's power may rest on me” (International Standard Version (©2008). Weakness is God’s gift to us which has been terribly misrepresented in this world. For many years I believed weakness was a curse and meant only for evil; I tried to hide weakness within the tightly guarded walls of my heart. Never showing weakness was a huge burden I carried on my shoulders moment after moment, determined to appear “strong” and “perfect”. Sooner or later, the lies I believed were going to break me and shatter my pride into a million pieces. Pride is one of the ugliest beasts on the planet, which seeks only to kill and destroy the essence of life. Nothing good comes from pride; not even one thing. Pride is a stumbling block and a foothold for the devil who wants to kill each one of us; he wants nothing more than to see each one of God’s precious and unique creations suffer and turn from God. Without God, we are nothing and completely powerless to the lies and deception of the devil, in which nothing good abides. In all honesty, the devil hates each and every person and wants nothing more than complete destruction. Doesn’t this sound so appealing; do you really want to surrender your life to someone who laughs at turmoil and seeks to destroy your life? A life in flames and surrounded by screams of death sounds pretty good, doesn’t it? I think not! No one, as evil as they may seem, deserves this kind of eternal life; As much as the devil tries to convince you otherwise, it is not one bit “cool” or “tough” to forever live this way. God gives every individual free will and once you die, there’s no turning back; no “do over”. We’re given one life to live, and one life only. Which vision appeals most to the desires of your heart for a lifetime of living? Heaven, full of beauty around every corner and exempt from pain of all kinds; or Hell, consumed by flames scorching the flesh and screams piercing the heart? It’s your choice; one no one can make for you.