23 March 2012

The Battles Against Darkness

This life and world in general is so wicked and has the least regard for my well being in mind; after relentless attacks by my enemy who only wants to see me suffer and ultimately destroy me, I was once again brought to my knees in complete despair. As beautiful as the devil’s lies seem, lies like if I only run twelve more miles then I will be worthy of love, they are twisted and ultimately intended for complete destruction. The devil wants to keep me so focused on myself that I can no longer be a warrior for Christ. He knows that God is using me, so he wants to get me as far away from God as possible; he knows my weaknesses all too well. He knows that running and a life of sports used to be my identity and what I lived for, so he tries to slowly twist it back into my vulnerable and helpless mind. He is a sick and evil monster whom words cannot even begin to describe. Never in my life did I expect life to be this hard, especially when I am secretly attacked time and time again by the hater of my soul. It’s amazing how at any second he can steal my joy away and cloud my mind as to who I am.

A life in recovery from Anorexia and the disease of over-exercising is by no means easy nor will the temptations ever go away. Yesterday I was reminded of this truth as my world seemed to come crashing down in a matter of seconds; to those who have never struggled with Anorexia, this may make no sense but I am not asking you to understand but merely to believe what I say and to empathize with my vulnerable mind. After hearing that my body had gained two pounds(this may not seem like a lot, but to a mind consumed with Anorexia the amount doesn’t matter but merely the word gained brings me to my knees; this sick disease is built on the fact that when it comes to losing weight, there is no limit but gaining is a whole different story) my sinful mind was consumed with thoughts of self-hatred and an overwhelming desire to lose this weight, no matter what it took.Even though I'd been told many times that maintaining weight meant variations within a range, the devil's taunts became too much for my weak mind to overcome. My sick mind wanted nothing more than to avoid food at all costs and to turn to over-exercising to make up for my “loss of determination”. Several years ago I damaged my hamstring and to the extent of injury I am not certain, but several weeks ago the excruciating pain reentered my body; all of my life I have endured despite the pain and have ignored it only to numb my wounds and disregard my body. Ever since the pain reappeared, I have not given up running and yesterday, as I was limping and could hardly move, I did not give in to the pain of my piercing rods and screws nor my  hamstring but braced my leg only to run several miles too many.As I was looking to external things of this world to fill the increasing void in my heart, it left me hopeless, discouraged and unsurprisingly in pain. Satan keeps slowly easing the desire to over exercise and ultimately earn love and acceptance into my wounded mind; every woman longs to hear she’s beautiful and that her very being is quite enough, and I am certainly no exception. Yes, I gave into the devil’s lies of how to attain these desires, but I refuse to believe that I have to continue to do so. I am loved merely by existing and being myself- the woman God had in mind when He created me. No matter how many miles I run, how many pounds I lift, how little I weigh…nothing will change His unending love for me which is based solely on my existence, without any additions or subtractions to this value.
As I see the world around me seeking to exercise to fill the voids of insecurity, I question if it is truly a sin and wonder why I too can’t do the same; I am reminded that a single change begins with one person and the fact that I can only change myself. The unfulfilling life of extreme exercise once defined me but no longer belongs because there is then no room for the God of the Universe; pride cannot exist with God running my life. Instead of following my sinful desires led by pride, I want to decrease so that God can increase; this life is not about my own accomplishments but of God’s! I want my confidence to be Christ-confidence and not of this world. As excruciating as it is to let go of my sinful desires, I choose to do so. God has called me to greater things of which cannot exist with earthly things. I have to let go of my past in order to move forward and to forgive myself for repeatedly falling down- for trying to get through life on my own. I believe the devil is relentlessly attacking me because he knows God has called me to greater things; I cannot, no matter how hard I try, overcome his grueling and deathly attacks on my own but instead require complete surrender to the God whose presence makes the darkness flee. Everything on this earth will fade including my clothes, body, possessions, and will have zero impact at the gates of Heaven. Instead of looking to satisfy my own desires and to put myself first, I am going to satisfy the needs of others by surrendering to a life of humbleness, wherever the God of the Universe takes me. The devil wants to keep me sidetracked from sharing with the world his lies and where believing them has led me; he wants to keep me from loving and serving- to steal my joy as nursing school approaches. As much as my evil self wants to buy the workout DVD Insanity to bring forth false contentment, I want to use this same amount of money to buy something which is not of solely my own benefit but that which will benefit so many more- a stethoscope. 
I am choosing to set aside my own selfish and prideful desires in order to let God work in me and to influence others who matter just as much as me into His kingdom. My joy comes solely from the Lord and satisfaction comes through service; I am going to serve the world through my calling as a nurse. Perfection and being the “best” is impossible and I refuse to strive for something which is unattainable and ultimately destructive. No matter how I look, how many miles I run, how many home runs I hit, my identity is found in Christ alone; my ultimate desire is that if someone loves me, they’re loving God because the two are intertwined so tightly and cannot be separated. 

15 March 2012


Hello world; oh how I’ve missed you! To see spring blooming before my very eyes brings me unspeakable joy and makes my heart skip a beat; oh how I love feeling the wind brushing against my bare skin and whipping through my hair. I feel God’s presence right beside me, even though I don’t deserve it nor do I always take advantage of the fact that the God of the Universe sincerely wants to help me through each and every moment. Spring break has arrived yet I feel like this semester has just begun and my world has become a blur except for the many words typed in my text books; college truly seems like a dream and each time fear and doubt enters my wandering mind, it is swept away by reinforcement that this is where I am meant to be. Never in my life have I felt so fulfilled then after I surrender my all to Christ from whom true success comes; He takes the burdens off of my shoulders so that I can focus on loving others- what He has called me, in fact the world, to do. Our lives are not based on how much we have but how much we love.
I feel like a walking text book; nursing school is a challenge yet I am not defeated because I am not the one fighting. All I can do is stand in awe of the King as we journey through life together; I cannot take credit for any accomplishments because I would be living a lie. I am here to tell you from experience that with God by your side, you cannot be defeated; losing is not in His vocabulary. When God calls you into something completely over your head, rejoice because when we are weak then He is strong! Weakness, contrary to my former beliefs, is beautiful because only then is God’s true power made known- a power beyond this world’s comprehension. I want God’s will more than I want anything; I am not giving up no matter where this competition may lead me. It’s scary to relinquish control of my life over to God, but perfect love casts out fear; there is no fear in love. I have applied to the Nursing program and all I can do is wait in complete surrender; I have no confidence in myself but complete confidence in the One who lives inside of me. I am not afraid of where this life may take me- bring the fires, bring the rain because through them I am made stronger; I can’t turn down a challenge! I am not fighting for myself, but for those God has placed on this earth for me to reach and to love; my heart burns with passion for the lost and the hurting because I was one of them.
My heart aches to the deepest depths within me as I see those overtaken by the cruelty of sin; those living a lie that this life is hopeless. This is the reason I write; to prove to them that absolutely no sin is beyond God’s redemptive power. I feel God pulling at my heart to publish to the world the relentless pain He has redeemed me from; I want merely to be a vessel for His words to pour out of. Yes, this is a scary step for me, but once again, perfect love casts out fear; I am not afraid when God is by my side. As I see lives fading away before my very eyes, I am convinced that neither life nor death shall separate me from His perfect love. Wherever He leads me, I will stay by His side, where no one can shatter me. There is only one way to freedom and that is through complete surrender each and every moment; freedom comes through Christ alone who defeated death for our sins. He is the true superstar and the quarterback of my life through whom no mistakes can ever be made.
It has been almost a year since I departed from the doors of Selah House into a life of freedom and beauty beyond compare; God has redeemed me and He will you also- all it takes is one question. Love was the key which unlocked my damaged and shattered heart, but surrender is what keeps it forever beating.
As I wrap up my thoughts, I want to leave you with a song which speaks to the depths of my heart as it talks about being romanced by the King. My life belongs to the greatest lover of all time who doesn’t want anything from me- only love. This is the greatest romance of all time!