24 October 2011

Clueless

“God, where do I go from here?” When God called me into nursing, after A LOT of convincing, I finally obeyed. I gave Him my agenda on a blank sheet of paper for Him to fill in the details. After receiving the physical and emotional healing I needed to move forward, God called me into college so I followed, scared to death! College has been amazing as I can feel God right by my side; however, I can’t always feel Him as He draws away so I remember I’m nothing without Him & I can’t take Him for granted. I’m currently in college for nursing as God called me to Kent to get my BSN; this is not what I wanted as nursing is extremely competitive. To get into nursing school, grades and GPA literally are everything because nothing else counts. Others were right when they said the road is NOT easy; God is teaching me daily to rely fully on Him. As hard as it already is to rely fully on God, He is now calling me to trust even MORE; I am reluctant because it seems IMPOSSIBLE & I’m scared to death. The work required to keep a GPA high enough to even be considered into the Nursing program is beyond my ability; God truly is testing my faith and trust through this. As if this isn’t hard enough, I feel Him calling me now into something even MORE important in which I’ve been avoiding and trying to manipulate my way out of: to write a book. I’ve been avoiding this because I have NO idea how to write a book and I don’t find myself worthy of doing so; I also don’t see how it could be possible with my already crazy and stressful  college life. I thought nursing was my calling……. Am I wrong God?!  What do I do? How can I possibly write a book while being a full time college student?
As I was reading The Purpose Driven Life this morning I came across some very straight-forward and indeed harsh words from God which basically told me my life will be WORTHLESS if I don’t fulfill my calling: to serve and bring others into the Body of Christ. God could come at any second so I don’t have forever to fulfill this calling; in fact, my time really “should” be up as I’m only breathing because of a miracle but God had other plans for me. The clock is ticking every second and I’m more concerned about blindly following God then fulfilling my own goals and “successes”.  God, I don’t want to do this; I want to bring others to you but why now? Why me? I don’t understand; however, regardless of my own deceived and fallen self I am going to follow you, the image of Perfection and Goodness Himself. I trust you more then I trust myself. Oh God, the road is going to be hard and bumpy, but “I will go”; use me to reach one more for you because that is ALL that matters!!  I am afraid but replace my fear with strength and wisdom because we are a team God and you will NEVER leave my side!!
I have NO idea neither to what I’m doing nor what the future holds; all I’m certain of is that I’m willing to follow the narrow road. Maybe God just wanted me to give my plans to Him on a blank sheet and to surrender; to see if I am willing just as He did to Abraham by calling him to sacrifice his one and only son just to see if he was willing. If my experiences can save at least one person then the benefits outweigh the costs.

09 October 2011


Wow- what a weekend!!! God is SOO good to me; hunting was just what I needed! Honestly, I have been STRESSED OUT!! There’s so much to do, so little time & only 1 me!! I feel like I should be doing more for college then what I am!!
Yesterday I decided literally “spur of the moment” to go hunting; I’d NEVER shot a bow before but felt up to a challenge. I also hadn’t been hunting in over 2 ½ years so I couldn’t wait, so yesterday afternoon we headed down to our property. After getting ready, we headed out to our spots; I got the blind & Carson got the tree stand. OMG- I remember why I LOVE hunting & the outdoors in general! I didn’t especially like the ginormous black spiders in my tent with me, but I was so focused I lost track of them! I kept hearing noises above me & all of a sudden a mouse peeked out from above me; I discovered they had made a nest in the blind in between the ceiling & the rain cover; they DID keep me entertained by running back & forth & even jumping off of the roof! They were so cute!
After sitting for about an hour or so with no luck, all of a sudden a spike came out into “my zone”- I had my bow aimed & finger on the trigger; should I shoot this thing?! If I shot this spike it would’ve counted as my ONLY buck for the year; I really wanted to get a deer soon, but I didn’t want to waste my one buck! So, I put the bow down & waited some more; in the distance I could see two bucks in the woods behind my brother- in the area separating the two fields. I watched & waited, but they never came out! L They came right to the edge of the woods but never into the open; I heard their antlers rattling up in the woods & they never came back! Well, it was quickly getting darker & darker; all of a sudden I looked to my right & there was a doe coming toward me! I quickly brought my bow up, aimed & followed her until she stopped so I could get a good shot; she came about 10-15 yards away from me & stopped- staring at me & my aimed bow. I pulled the trigger & down she went! My brother thought I had killed a man after the funny sound the doe made after I shot her!
After about ½ an hour or so, dad & I hopped onto the 4-wheeler, loaded the doe on, & went back in the woods to gut it. Yes, I did want to gut it myself, but I learn best from watching 1st- I helped & even inspected each organ- it was like biology class!
To be in “my woods” again brought back SOO many amazing memories of camo, 4-wheelers, deer; what I treasure most are the moments of father-daughter bonding, both with my heavenly & earthly fathers! I am so blessed to have 2 dads!! Oh life, you are so beautiful!! 

My 1st deer with a bow!

Muzzle-loader season 3 months post-surgery

My favorite hunting buddy!

08 October 2011

Identity




NO ONE defines me except for GOD! “Once we know who we are in Christ, we’re set free from comparison & competition. We have value & worth apart from OUR works & accomplishments; we don’t have to try to be better than anyone else!! Happiness= submitting to GOD & NOT trying to become something the Lord hasn’t called you to be!!”
During my Anorexia I could feel my screws in my back literally poking me; I had no fat or muscle to cushion my rods & screws producing extreme pain. This made sitting & lying down even more uncomfortable- the pain was constant reducing my energy level among many other things. At times it felt like my screws were literally going to poke through my skin- like a knife slicing through my skin. Anorexia limited my activities- it limited EVERYTHING!! Now, after recovering from the sick disease which almost stole my life multiple times, I am able to do ANYTHING!! The doctors were right when they said a spinal fusion wouldn’t permanently limit activities but would instead INCREASE activity level, health & so much more!! I am forever grateful for this surgery which I believe literally saved my life; I can NOW touch my toes again- this seems like a small accomplishment but after having rods & screws in my back I’m BACK to my normal self & there’s NOTHING I can’t do! I am not proud of disobeying doctor's orders; however I am so proud of myself for pushing myself; I did overdo myself after surgery, but however I proved to myself that I can do ANYTHING with God- there’s NOTHING to keep me down! I want to walk beside others during hard times like these- to encourage them to KEEP ON towards hope: moving toward something better in which you cannot tangibly see. I want to help them to find balance while pushing themselves- to not overdo nor underdo. I am so excited to have MUSCLE again- my back feels the best it’s EVER felt!! Yes, I can still feel the rods & screws; however it is no longer an uncomfortable or painful feeling; it is a constant reminder of what I’ve been through & it helps me to stay in touch with my body & its limits/needs. My surgery WASN’T the end of sports; I am a living example of truth to what the doctors said- Maybe they’re not so psycho!!
I have also learned to replace poisonous shame with healthy shame. Due to sexual harassment I internalized shame; I was ashamed of what was being done but also of MYSELF- shame became the CORE of my existence! “Healthy shame”, however “reminds us we’re human with weaknesses & limitations!” (Joyce Meyers) There is a balance to everything!!!

02 October 2011

Family reunited


This weekend we went to Columbus to see my favorite twin- COURTNEY!! What a perfect way to relieve my “fried” brain from three tests in 3 days!! Oh how I’ve dreamed about this day for several years- the day our twin/bff relationship is restored & stronger than ever! God, your timing is inconvenient yet convenient all at the same time! Watch out world, the Sharp twins are BACK & stronger than ever!!
Saturday morning we got to see Courtney for the first time in over a month; she is a CHANGED person. God has indeed done miracles in our relationship; the worries she carried of fear for my life were no longer needed- life is unceasingly beautiful!! She no longer had fear in her eyes; THIS is what I’ve prayed for but indeed do not deserve; God is way too good!!
When we got there all of the teams gave a program; it was amazing to see God working in each & every person there because of each one’s choice to SEEK HIM! This is H-O-P-E!!! After the program we got to take Courtney with us for the night- it was amazing; God filled the small hole in my heart of longing for my twin sister- a part of me! We went to Easton mall- that place is huge!! Of course we went shopping- I picked out camo converse shoes for Courtney; I want to steal them!! ;)  After shopping for an hour or so we went to Der Dutchman for dinner; my grandparents & Aunt Marilyn met us there & we had a blast chatting & getting up-to-date on each other’s lives; family is such a gift & beyond amazing! Der Dutchman is like the Hartville Kitchen of Columbus; we saw SOO many people we knew; I so wouldn’t mind moving there! ;) The gift shop was amazing- my fave was the Ohio State section!!
After dinner my aunt & grandparents parted ways with us to drive home; we dropped the men of the house off at the hotel while we went SHOPPING; what better way to socialize?! We drove back to Easton & finished our mission; OMG- they have this HUGE OSU Buckeyes store w/ everything Ohio State- I seriously could’ve bought the whole store; they pretty much had to drag me out! Lol After roaming all around town we went back to the hotel & guess what we did- SLEPT! Lol We were all exhausted! I kept looking over at Courtney to make sure I wasn’t dreaming & in Heaven- it seemed too good to be true to have my twin sister back; it was just like old times- memories I will treasure forever!
This morning was interesting to only have 1 bathroom & 6 people; plus we had to be at the RIC by 8:30 AM! All went well & we met with Courtney’s team to go to a Nepali church. The team God put Courtney on is beyond perfect for her; I see why she gets along with them so well- I instantly fell in love with each one of them. How can you not love the image of Christ?! It honestly felt like a big family- it makes me long for Heaven! The Nepali church was fascinating; I’ve NEVER experienced anything like it. The Nepali’s are so cute- I love the variety of heritages God has given this world! The service was so unique; the translator was a riot!! It was a breath of fresh air to see a new perspective on so many things; it seemed like I was in another country but was only two hours away from home!!
After church our family went to Olive Garden- Courtney’s choice! It was amazing to socialize; I was content just being in Courtney’s presence! After lunch we went back to the RIC; this place feels just like a home- it’s amazing how this happens in a matter of a day; to me this proves that there’s something special about Christians- a connection present in each member no matter if they’ve met or not. In a way I am jealous of Courtney’s opportunity; the people she’s with, relationships she’s forming, memories she’s making….. it’s all irreplaceable- there’s NOTHING more rewarding then the selfless attitude of serving & seeking the King! It was SOOO special to have 10 or so of our church youth group girls come & visit her; she is SOO loved! The Body of Christ is so amazing- everyone deserves to receive this kind of love & acceptance!
It was hard to leave my twin sister; harder than the first time because of the changes & beauty occurring within her which were only mere dreams before.  NEVER doubt God; the healing we all have received is beyond words! My God deserves to be made KNOWN!