Roller Coaster Ride

Slow down…possibly the hardest thing for this girl to do; I’m addicted to adrenaline and taking it easy is quite frankly the hardest thing for me to do. An oh so unwanted virus has entered my body, causing havoc this past week and resting was, to be honest, the last thing this daredevil wanted to do! It seems to be that ever since my body is recovered from Anorexia, I get sick much more often; maybe it’s just the fact that I can actually understand and listen to my body that has changed. Yesterday, after compromising my weakening immune system for far too long, I took a break, doing absolutely nothing all day except rest and hating every second of it; I had to keep telling myself it’s ok to rest every once in a while and not every day needs to be productive to counter the distortions running through my vulnerable mind. In a way, it was a relief to lie on the couch all day because I could barely get up without intense lightheadedness, migraines, nausea, and back pain pushing me back down, along with sore throat making it difficult to swallow as well as rotating episodes of fever and chills making it that much harder to get comfortable. As I’m sure you very well know, my greatest hatred is to show pain; I’ve learned to accept it and move on with my life in attempts to prohibit anything from slowing me down. When I heard that my youth group was going to Quail Hollow, my heart skipped a beat and I just couldn’t say no, despite what my body was saying; fresh air is so refreshing to my soul but when my body is fighting off illness, the wind and cold don’t feel quite as refreshing (who would’ve guessed? ;) )! The first thing we did was, of course, a sport! As much as I knew I shouldn’t play, I gave in by telling myself it’s not that bad (sound familiar?); while running to first base I started seeing spots and everything around me started to blend together in a blur; my teammates yelled “dive” (since they obviously knew me a little too well) but I replied with a sudden “I would but I feel like I’m going to throw up” leaving nothing but blank stares! I then decided I’d better not play and as much as my stubborn will wanted to keep going, my brain countered it by doing the opposite. The fresh air felt good and the company lifted my spirits, but unfortunately it was not enough to rid my body of this nasty virus.

Ok, I get it…you hate me- the very essence of my God created soul and being- and won’t be satisfied until there’s nothing left; sorry to “rain on your parade” devil, but this chick is not ok with that nor is her Father of the Universe who will at the least kick your sly little butt for attacking His Beloved Princess. The devil is a sly little booger who tries to steal my smile and genuine laughter, but it’s going to take a lot stronger ammunition to keep this fighter down. Today, at the verge of tears and wanting nothing more than to disappear, my God rescued me from the relentless attacks of the enemy to safety in His arms where He romanced me, His Beloved Princess and reminded me why I love Him oh so much!

This morning I awoke with anticipation and joy to see my twin sister again in exactly one week after six months completely apart from each other; I am so incredibly excited to bring her home, so I’ve been getting everything ready just as if I were bringing a newborn baby home! ;) lol I’ve gone a little crazy with the cleaning as our room and bathroom is absolutely spotless and thanks to my morning energy, our closet is now color coordinated and perfectly organized, which probably won’t last long! ;) I spent all morning putting winter clothes away and replacing their spots in the closet with our colorful and vibrant summer clothes- oh how I love summer!

When I got to ACH, something didn’t seem right; I was so excited to see everyone due to missing last week, but after some cruel untrue accusations aimed at my heart I wanted nothing more than to run to my closet and cry, where I’d be safe and no one could see my vulnerable and aching soul. As much as the devil wanted to take away my smile and laughter ever-present at Akron Children’s, God overpowered his wicked deeds and intentions by placing beauty around every corner. As I did my devotions at the desk, God revealed Himself to me in innumerable ways and opened my eyes to the fact that those living thousands of years before me faced the same trials and temptations yet God used them in miraculous ways to bring freedom and healing to this fallen land; contrary to my prior beliefs, He showed me that David, Solomon, Abraham, Esther and all of the other amazing people mentioned in the Bible were ordinary people just like me who chose to surrender to the incomprehensible power of the God Almighty. As I drenched myself in His word, He kept romancing me, taking away all my pain and healing my bleeding heart; a mother asked me to hold her newborn and I, of course, was not against that! To feel his chest rise and fall with each breath as he slept so soundly, snores escaping his precious little lips was healing to my wounded soul and revived in me the passion to change these children’s lives in any way I can by something as simple as love. As I sat at the desk, people kept affirming my undeserving self by words filled with love; affirmations speak to my soul and show me the beauty I cannot see in myself. I didn’t wear a flower in my hair today and boy did everybody notice- I guess they’ve gotten used to the bright pops of color and said the atmosphere was a little duller and less cheerful without it! To top off my day, just when I thought life couldn’t get any more beautiful, my Mixbooks I put my heart and soul into arrived looking more beautiful than I could have ever imagined. There is no doubt in my mind that my God loves me as He just keeps romancing me when I least expect it nonetheless deserve it.

As I sit here typing, I just got word that my long lost twin sister has just arrived in Columbus which is a miracle in itself due to the complications in the Himalayas; the government was shut down due to overthrowing and an intense hunger for power leading to riots breaking out across the land. God gave the team wisdom and led them to a hotel near the airport where safety and transportation surrounded them and brought them home safely with many stories to tell; I can’t quite imagine the atmosphere of five teams of missionaries in foreign lands reunited with each other after six months sounds- a part of me aches to be in the middle of the unimaginable excitement present around every corner but that is what keeps me patient for my turn in exactly one week! And to make things even sweeter, I get to spend a week with the team as well as many other friends at Bethel Camp as a videographer! Woohoo! Bring on the adventure!

The Very Essence of Love

My naïve mind cannot fully comprehend why you, an innocent energetic child, have been allowed so much pain; if I could, in a heartbeat I would take your pain on myself because it kills me to see you like this. My heart breaks for the times of normal childhood you have missed out on and can never get back- times I have so taken for granted. You, my little neighbor friend are a courageous little man with unending potential and a passion worth fighting for. I don’t know why God allows such pain but I can tell you, my friend, from experience that this is the most life-changing experience you may ever receive; let the pain mold you into a valiant warrior by the God of the Universe who wants more for you than you could ever begin to imagine.

Love is what keeps my fragile heart beating- as I volunteer at ACH, the only reason I can find the strength to stand and move past the incomprehensible pain placed on such innocent and undeserving children is because of love-- I know that my God allows pain to draw us nearer to Him and to be molded into the creation He had in mind when He formed each and every individual, which is more beautiful than this world will ever know. As I held this child, severe burns covering her fragile and helpless body, my eyes fought back tears to see the relentless cruelty of this world on such undeserving children. The reason I could play with her for hours each Wednesday, without falling to my knees was because my heart was beating for the one chance I had to show an innocent and fragile child hated beyond comprehension a love she had never been given a chance to receive. As I helped her get dressed, wincing at the pain so obviously apparent on her severely wounded and compromised body, the only reason I could find the strength to stand was because of the passion God had placed in my heart, living within me. My heart absolutely shattered as I watched her struggle so intensely to move just a few inches due to the third degree burns, yet God put the pieces of my heart back together each and every time as I earned her trust and saw her smile for the very first time; to see a child wounded by her very own blood, untrusting to everyone she came in contact with due to expecting hatred after that’s all she had ever known crushed my soul yet God revived me each and every time to show her a love she’d never known—something so simple as a smile and my very own self. Each and every day, by the power of love, she began to drop her many defenses and was able to laugh and experience childhood for the first time. The power of love is underestimated; I truly believe it has the power and capacity to change the world.

To see my very own neighbor, younger than five years of age, change from beyond energetic and full of life to unable to move without vomiting and bruises covering his fragile and severely compromised body absolutely shatters my undeservingly privileged heart. I so wish I could take on your pain, “my little monster”, because it is not fair. To see you receive treatment after treatment, with sharp needles piercing your fragile skin time and time again giving you nutrients your body cannot produce but so vitally needs is more than I can comprehend; to see how lifeless and utterly miserable each treatment leaves you breaks my heart and penetrates to my soul. It breaks my heart that you too have become so accustomed to pain that it becomes a part of your normal microbiota; this is not how life was intended to look yet its reality. I will do whatever I can to help you through this pain because I know it will not last forever, my friend; keep fighting alongside the mightiest Warrior whose very name makes the demons flee. Stand in the rain until you discover the rainbow beyond the horizon; it cannot rain forever, no matter how dreary and hopeless the sky may appear.

On Saturday I am so privileged and excited to join the ACH volunteers, of whose hearts are more beautiful than description, in a banquet honoring our service. Somehow I’ve racked up over 250 hours of service; truly, it seems like only mere seconds as if given the chance I would spend my whole life there, surrounded by the atmosphere of vulnerability and REAL people with REAL struggles they’re not too ashamed to hide nor to admit that they do not have all of the answers; the atmosphere of pure and true love. I can only hope I’ve added to this atmosphere of which used to possess the power to make my knees tremble and banish every last speck of hope. The reason I volunteer is not to be known but merely the opposite- to serve in humbleness beyond my capability. I don’t want fame or fortune but merely want to change the world and am going to start by LOVE- the opposite of this fallen and cruel world.

Beauty beyond measure

Oh summer, how I love you! I love the spontaneity of running after geese in my Sunday clothes before church so they don’t poop all over the yard and on my car; I was going to shoot them, but found out it’s illegal & the guns were hidden from me- the birds got lucky! Heehee. I love driving with the wind in my hair, sun on my face and belting out songs of praise while others just stare (probably in horror!); there was once a time when singing required too much energy for my fading self and could never be heard from my lips. God’s beauty is apparent everywhere I look and it amazes me.

This morning my mom and I went shopping for flowers and hit the jackpot! I had to guard our two ferns and three bright pink perennial hanging baskets with my life because at least three people tried to steal them from my grip; it actually quite amused me! As we were heading home, I received an email asking me to come ASAP to ACH to run the surgery desk if there was any possible way due to the daily volunteer taking off last minute; I got ready in less than ten minutes, ate a quick lunch & ran out the door. I got to the hospital in record time and immediately went up to the surgery floor to relieve the hostess. It was beyond awesome to see all of my friends who sit with me at the desk and to talk just like old times; I miss them beyond words and love every minute spent with these amazing people. I found out today that the process has once again been completely revamped, so I had to relearn everything and I love nothing more than a challenge! I actually love the way we do it, although sometimes it gets a little crazy with only one hostess and over sixty surgeries- I love crazy, however and it brings the best in me, most times. I was beyond ecstatic to see all of the doctors again and to interact with the families; I love the excitement on the surgery floor because excitement brings me alive beyond description.  Due to HIPAA rules, we now have to take the families back to a consult room; I guess the doctors must not be used to this because they kept telling me “I’m on the ball”, which encouraged me since it was my first time back in months and with the new process. I absolutely adore volunteering and today was nothing short of amazing; my heart was made to serve and loves nothing more than doing exactly that! It is such a crazy experience to go from being a patient in the hospital to helping deliver excellent care as a part of the hospital; the feeling is beyond description and so beautiful, for lack of words. I am beyond grateful God chose me out of all His children to go through so much pain, both physical and emotional because had I not, life wouldn’t be so beautiful because God had to break me and my stubborn desires; I feel such a connection to Akron Children’s Hospital and the patients in it because I know all too well what they’re going through and it makes my heart happy to be able to share in their pain, leading them to a hope not yet apparent. I didn’t want to leave the hospital today, in all honesty and felt so incredibly guilty leaving by 5:30 when families were still there; I absolutely love the surgery desk and it pains me to leave, but I can’t live there! ;) I think keys have something against me, because once again I could not get anything to lock up and was beyond flustered because I was in a hurry yet nothing was working! I finally just gave up, took the keys to the volunteer office and went on my way to my brother’s baseball practice.

I actually made it in time to pick him up and had fun watching the cute little boys playing baseball! I had such a special evening with my little brother as we got dinner and then painted pottery for Mother’s Day; don’t worry, I already told her since she literally called me five times making sure we weren’t dead! Lol. I love to paint pottery, but Miss Perfectionism seems to make her strong and bold appearance into my life as soon as my feet enter the pottery place, making it hard to fully enjoy the experience. My brother was so cute as he painted in such a carefree manner, which to be honest kind of frustrated me because I couldn’t get my own project done due to stripping his project several times so he could restart; all in all we did have a fun bonding time, but stress definitely made its appearance! It’s funny to see such a stark contrast between the two of us: I am such a perfectionist in most everything I do whereas my brother is the complete opposite! I love all of the differences in the world and it’s so neat to see how no two people are alike, even siblings.

God is insane an way beyond my comprehension; even though I stumbled and fell into the grips of control, God still blessed me with straight A’s which I in no way deserve. I gave this semester my all, sometimes more, and it all paid off! It’s hard to imagine that I could hear back from the Nursing program at any moment and it doesn’t in any way seem real. This past year of school has been brutal but more than worth the hard work; life seems to be a fairytale and everyday seems to be like walking on sunshine. Oh how I love this life, even when it hurts more than I ever thought possible.

My twin comes home so soon- in exactly eighteen days and excited doesn’t even begin to describe how I feel; we’ve been separated completely for six months yet I feel closer than ever. I cannot wait to go back to the SEND house to get her and to see all of the friends we’ve both made. People bring out the best in me and there’s no doubt in my mind that I was not made to be alone; in fact, God created woman because He knew “it was not good for man to be alone”, so I’m not the only one! I can’t wait to see what beauty tomorrow has in store! 

Rejected

REJECTED…flat out rejected; devil, how does it feel? I personally like throwing you and your stupid lies straight to the ground into the depths of this eroding world; you’re stuck here while I dance with Jesus on golden streets and become His bride. It saddens me that you have chosen this evil and disgusting path, but it's never too late to turn around. What else do I need when the God of the universe is my bridegroom, waiting for me because He loves me just that much; my small mind cannot fathom this unspeakable glory but my heart leaps at the thought of wearing white, pure white and a crown of jewels too marvelous to imagine. I, as helpless and undeserving as I am, get to share in the splendor of the King in His kingdom being perfected just for me, His child and bride.

The reason I say the devil is rejected is because, I am so excited to say, that as much as I wanted to give in to his lies I DIDN’T but instead ran the opposite way into the open arms of my Lover who has never left my side, even when all I could do was crawl in agony toward the unseen. As I’ve mentioned earlier, I’ve acquired yet another illness which quite frankly sucks and consumes me with pain. For the past several weeks I’ve felt physically drained and just plain sick but completely disregarded it until several days ago I could no longer do so; it had gotten to the point where the pain and college stress was hindering me from eating intuitively and listening to the needs of my body, which ED of course loved; he was loving every minute of an empty stomach and the thought of shedding a few pounds. Sitting around truly does not come easy for me, but with studying I've had to force myself. Bloating, nausea, fatigue and pain in general have become my companions over these last weeks. I was vulnerable and he, the sly devil took advantage of it. These past weeks have been absolutely brutal as the competition of becoming one of the fifty nursing students annually is nearing a close yet not losing an ounce of its steam. God seemed so distant yet so close; at times I felt alone on this journey without a sense of direction leading me back into the arms of my Warrior; no, He never left—it was just me trying to take control and do it all. I brought this hemorrhoid upon myself from worrying too much leading to excessive studying, meaning oh so much sitting which I’ve realized my body does not like; I think this was God’s way of slowing me down and giving it all up in complete surrender which I’ve learned is something He treasures and uses for strength. Quite frankly, I don’t deserve to call myself one of the fifty accepted because on my own I am nothing more than dust; if I do get accepted, it is completely by the gracious hand of God who loves me with a love beyond any comprehension still of this world. God does not view the world through eyes expecting perfection, unlike me, but knows that because of the fall of mankind I am prone to sin and incapable on my own strength to be all I was intended to be. I see this as beautiful because the absolute only way I can become the radiant warrior He created me to be is by seeking Him; I am strongest when I am at His feet, being molded into the perfect image of Love Himself.

I am relieved beyond description that finals are over and I actually have time to breathe and care for my long abandoned self. Every time finals come around, something goes wrong; it seems like a whirlwind trying to pull me away from God, my strength and only sense of hope. Last year my computer stopped working and this year it was my iPod; you may not think this is of any disadvantage, but in my eyes it is just one more obstacle trying to redirect my footsteps from God. Music is a way of expressing myself and feeling God’s presence throughout the entire day; with His words consuming my mind, there is nothing too big and the things of this world don’t seem to matter anymore.

Today, as I was once again tempted relentlessly to disregard my body and the cues it so willingly gives me, I chose to take the hard way by drenching myself in truth. As I see others around me punishing themselves for falling short of perfection yet still striving for that ever intensifying and hopeless dream, I am reminded that I too have been there and have never felt more miserable and utterly hopeless in my life. As I picture this girl, wounded and alone, I see God beckoning me toward Him as He shows me what He sees; our standards look nothing similar but are indeed complete opposites. When I see ugly and beyond love, this is what God sees and reminds me of:

Dear Child,

You may not know me, but I know everything about you. (Psalm 139:1) I know when you sit down and when you rise up. ( Psalm 139:2) I am familiar with all your ways. (Psalm 139:3) Even the very hairs on your head are numbered. (Matthew 10:29-31)For you were made in my image. (Genesis 1:27) In me you live and move and have your being. (Acts 17:28) For you are my offspring. (Acts 17:28) I knew you even before you were conceived. (Jeremiah 1:4-5) I chose you when I planned creation. (Ephesians 1:11-12) You were not a mistake, for all your days are written in my book. (Psalm 139:15-16) I determined the exact time of your birth and where you would live. (Acts 17:26) You are fearfully and wonderfully made. (Psalm 139:14) I knit you together in your mother's womb. (Psalm 139:13) And brought you forth on the day you were born. (Psalm 71:6) I have been misrepresented by those who don't know me. (John 8:41-44) I am not distant and angry, but am the complete expression of love. (1 John 4:16) And it is my desire to lavish my love on you. (1 John 3:1) Simply because you are my child and I am your Father. (1 John 3:1) I offer you more than your earthly father ever could. (Matthew 7:11) For I am the perfect father. (Matthew 5:48) Every good gift that you receive comes from my hand. (James 1:17) For I am your provider and I meet all your needs. (Matthew 6:31-33)My plan for your future has always been filled with hope. (Jeremiah 29:11) Because I love you with an everlasting love.  (Jeremiah 31:3) My thoughts toward you are countless as the sand on the seashore.(Psalms 139:17-18) And I rejoice over you with singing. (Zephaniah 3:17) I will never stop doing good to you. (Jeremiah 32:40) For you are my treasured possession. (Exodus 19:5) I desire to establish you with all my heart and all my soul. (Jeremiah 32:41) And I want to show you great and marvelous things. (Jeremiah 33:3) If you seek me with all your heart, you will find me. (Deuteronomy 4:29) Delight in me and I will give you the desires of your heart. (Psalm 37:4) For it is I who gave you those desires. (Philippians 2:13) I am able to do more for you than you could possibly imagine. (Ephesians 3:20) For I am your greatest encourager. (2 Thessalonians 2:16-17) I am also the Father who comforts you in all your troubles. (2 Corinthians 1:3-4) When you are brokenhearted, I am close to you. (Psalm 34:18) As a shepherd carries a lamb, I have carried you close to my heart. (Isaiah 40:11) One day I will wipe away every tear from your eyes. (Revelation 21:3-4) And I'll take away all the pain you have suffered on this earth. (Revelation 21:3-4)I am your Father, and I love you even as I love my son, Jesus. (John 17:23) For in Jesus, my love for you is revealed.  (John 17:26) He is the exact representation of my being. (Hebrews 1:3) He came to demonstrate that I am for you, not against you. (Romans 8:31) And to tell you that I am not counting your sins. (2 Corinthians 5:18-19) Jesus died so that you and I could be reconciled. (2 Corinthians 5:18-19) His death was the ultimate expression of my love for you. (1 John 4:10) I gave up everything I loved that I might gain your love. (Romans 8:31-32) If you receive the gift of my son Jesus, you receive me. (1 John 2:23)And nothing will ever separate you from my love again. (Romans 8:38-39) Come home and I'll throw the biggest party heaven has ever seen. (Luke 15:7) I have always been Father, and will always be Father.(Ephesians 3:14-15)
My question is… Will you be my child? (John 1:12-13) I am waiting for you. (Luke 15:11-32)

Love, Your Dad
Almighty God

Straining

Hello world; where have you been or I guess the real question is “Where have I been?”! As I look around, I am amazed at the beauty still apparent when I take the time to slow down and look at it. I feel like I’ve been living on a different planet lately and quite frankly, it saddens me; I knew nursing school would consume my life, but now it’s becoming reality and it’s not very fun! ;) I miss the freedom which I once possessed! You know, I am exhausted; I’ve been holding on so tightly to my dream, which actually isn’t even mine but God’s! It’s hard for me to completely trust Him, but when I think about it, that’s stupid because HE is the one who put this dream in my heart; I never thought I’d actually want to be a nurse but God completely turned my thoughts around, so why would He take it away? Even if He does take it away, it’s not the end of the world; there are so many more things I can do and black and white no longer defines me, although it likes to sneak in and distort my fragile mind. I’ve come so close to nursing and it honestly scares me; I’m afraid to lose it yet I’m afraid to go on. I wish I could lay in God’s muscular arms and feel His tight grip around me, never letting me go and comforting my aching body; I long to sit at His feet and glance in awe of His beauty beyond comprehension. I cannot wait to see the scars which pierced my Lord’s hands and feet and to see that we have something in common- we both have scars and I no longer find that demeaning; I want to touch His scars and feel His gentle fingers touching the scar along my back. I love to dream of this day and it is what keeps me going; nothing of this world defines me and I could lose it all- everything on this earth.

I’ve been striving so hard to accomplish all I can but I just have to surrender each and every second because so quickly my heart can change and long for control without me even recognizing; my heart is beyond my own comprehension. I wish surrender would come easier, but then I guess it wouldn’t be as special. So many times I am thrown to my knees, but that is where I find God; as much as the enemy tells me I’ve failed, he’s the one who’s failed because on my knees I am the strongest because GOD is the one fighting! If being on my knees is what it takes for my stubborn soul to surrender to the God of the universe, then I will go there as many times as it takes until surrender becomes so intertwined into my soul and routine.

This semester has been brutal and it seems like a mere dream…too good to be true that it’s over. The perfectionist side in me is freaking out; with her there’s always something I failed at which is beyond frustrating. As hard as it is to fight against the monster of perfectionism as she tells me only A’s are acceptable, I’m trying; I know that whatever my grades, my future is in the hands of the Creator and no human effort can ever compare to the significance of everything He does without any effort at all. No, surrender is not easy but it’s the only way to true life and happiness; if surrender takes me somewhere other than nursing, then I will continue to follow because nothing is greater and more liberating than a life free of worry and consumed by love. Wherever God calls me, I will follow; this battle is not over and this stubborn competitor is not giving up! I will keep running the race with God at my side, carrying me when my legs can no longer support my weight. Pride, there is no room in my life for you although you like to squeeze in, removing other necessities so your stubborn and ugly self can take a place in my soul.

The past couple of weeks I have been struggling with sickness which I know come from stress suppressing my immune system; sometimes I forget how it feels to live without physical pain and it once again becomes normal. My sinuses hate me as well as many other body parts; after finally refusing to deny the pain, I’ve come to the conclusion that I have a hemorrhoid which is beyond embarrassing and the opposite of fun; oh college, you bring so many new adventures! Lol  I guess this is my body’s way of crying out to me to stop studying; I feel like a walking textbook and don’t quite know what to do with all this time for myself. It’s time to do things for myself which has become so foreign. Oh, and my twin sister comes home in exactly twenty-one days; how will I contain myself?! I cannot wait to hold her in my arms and talk to her face to face!! The bed beside my own will finally be filled with a human- oh how beautiful! It’s ME time now; hello world, I’m back! 

Beauty Unending

Chaos…complete chaos has described my life these past few weeks. My brain is screaming at me as I prepare for finals and my final three weeks of this semester; my body says STOP, but my brain overtaken by perfectionism screams keep on studying- you can do better.  As I reflect on what has been my reality, I cannot wrap my mind around all that has changed in the last year since my release from the doors of Selah House into the real world. In all honesty, it just seems like a dream…my whole life seems to be a mere speck of my imagination.

Being a hero is not easy! ;) In all honesty, I do not enjoy having huge needles stuck into my veins, draining a pint of my own blood, but the pain outweighs the benefits by a landslide. I cannot complain because I have been so blessed with health beyond my comprehension and I find it my duty to share my undeserved health with the less fortunate; ruptured veins, weakness, and everything else is beyond worth every minute gained by a poor unfortunate soul.

Last night we were beyond excited and blessed to pick up my dad and his buddy after a ten day trip to the breathtaking Nepal to visit their selfless children. I was not prepared for how truly poor this country is but was so blessed by how gracious and giving these people truly are; God confirmed in my small mind that I am blessed beyond comprehension and have no reason to let this smile slip my face. As we were watching the videos of Team Himalaya, tears rolled down my cheeks and a cloud of emotions came over me; I miss my twin so incredibly much and hearing her voice brought tears to my eyes; it’s been nearly six months since we last embraced and the thought of turning twenty without her makes my heart sad. It was difficult to see my dad embrace my beautiful twin, but my heart is still beating and fighting for the five more weeks she has left until I can squeeze her with my trembling arms. In all honesty, it doesn’t feel like I even have a twin; we’ve been separated so much and I long for the times of connection which are now but a mere memory. Treatment has separated us innumerable times and a part of my heart breaks for the time we never had together, embracing each other’s company and growing closer as an impenetrable force; my heart cries as I recall the lonely months separated by many miles too many from my family- time I can never regain. However, all of this comes with life and I have to take the bad with the good and the lovely because I was not promised a life exempt from pain; the pain overcome just makes each moment even more beautiful.

I am beyond honored to call Courtney my relative nonetheless my twin; the change apparent in her is beyond description and leaves behind marks of the one and only God who specializes in miracles beyond explanation. To see Team Himalaya sacrifice their time so selflessly and joyfully blesses me beyond words and leaves a part of me longing to be part of such a huge work of God. I do not know how to put into words all that they have been doing and continue to do; all I know to say is they’re sharing indescribable love to those not fortunate enough to have yet felt this intangible and strange sensation not of this world.

Several weeks ago I was helping in the nursery in church when a young couple whose son I’d been watching came up to me and asked me if I volunteered at Akron Children’s Hospital; shocked beyond words, I replied with an answer you all very well know and was reminded of why I volunteer; I had been the hostess at the surgery desk while their beautiful daughter was undergoing one of many surgeries. They say they remembered me by my smile, so I can only hope I left a mark of comfort and encouragement to this anxiety filled environment. I was beyond excited to see this amazing couple stay afterwards for the lunch provided when it was only their first time visiting; I have been blessed way beyond words by this incredibly strong family whom God brought into my life when I least expected it- it’s crazy how He works! This family’s story encourages me as I see the hand of God evident in every area of their life and am so blessed to have met such an incredibly strong team. This is why I volunteer and what keeps my fragile heart beating with exuberance- to interact with families in their most vulnerable states when hope is sometimes absent and smiles are too painful to force-I am there in hopes of being a light in the darkness with the hope and joy I have been given which is not of this world. I am called to serve, and so serving is what I will do.

As I was talking with my adviser this morning, I was “hit with a ton of bricks” by the reality that this semester is almost over and nursing school just may be in my very near future; very soon I may be the one inserting IV’s, administering medications, checking vitals- on the other side of the hospital bed I once lay lifeless in. A part of me is excited, but the other part of me is terrified and immobilized; I know it may seem like I’m overreacting and I very well may be, but just try to put yourself in my shoes: the medical field is not exactly right up my alley but is in fact the exact opposite of my comfort zone and the last thing I wanted to spend my life doing. Medicine and health care is a new world for me; in fact it's so big that it's scary,  especially since I'm just now learning things most people already know,so I have ALOT to learn and stuff into my small brain. All of my life I lived in denial of medical help due to the perceived torture I expected and anticipated. My body became self-healing, or maybe I just became so used to pain that it became normal. The hospital was nearly my death bed too many times to count and doctors were my enemies. The image of walking through the “doors of death” into the operating room, only to be cut open from my neck to my waist, stripped of muscle to expose my fragile spine which was then penetrated by twenty one screws and multiple hooks  and manually manipulated into a proportional curvature still seems to be just a dream; the scar which will forever penetrate my back into the depths of my soul reminds me of the fact that I am not dreaming and the pain of the rods and screws has become a part of my ”normal microbiota”. I don’t know how to be a patient’s advocate after Ive never been my own; I will have to learn to speak up for other’s pain even when I never could my own.I know all too well the pain of "fishing" inside a human being's arm with needles meant to heal and it is much easier for myself to go through it then to inflict it onto poor, helpless souls who look to me for professional advice and assistance; if I could I would take on the pain myself because it is more painful to watch then to endure. Even though the future may seem scary, I am more afraid of living apart from God’s will; it is scarier to have to fight against God than to have Him fight for me. Wherever He leads, I will follow. These last few weeks are going to be beyond intense, but bring the rain because without it there is no rainbow. The devil has and will continue to attack me relentlessly, but I am going to take that as a compliment because I am now a threat, which is a good feeling! I am not going down without a fight!

The Battles Against Darkness

This life and world in general is so wicked and has the least regard for my well being in mind; after relentless attacks by my enemy who only wants to see me suffer and ultimately destroy me, I was once again brought to my knees in complete despair. As beautiful as the devil’s lies seem, lies like if I only run twelve more miles then I will be worthy of love, they are twisted and ultimately intended for complete destruction. The devil wants to keep me so focused on myself that I can no longer be a warrior for Christ. He knows that God is using me, so he wants to get me as far away from God as possible; he knows my weaknesses all too well. He knows that running and a life of sports used to be my identity and what I lived for, so he tries to slowly twist it back into my vulnerable and helpless mind. He is a sick and evil monster whom words cannot even begin to describe. Never in my life did I expect life to be this hard, especially when I am secretly attacked time and time again by the hater of my soul. It’s amazing how at any second he can steal my joy away and cloud my mind as to who I am.

A life in recovery from Anorexia and the disease of over-exercising is by no means easy nor will the temptations ever go away. Yesterday I was reminded of this truth as my world seemed to come crashing down in a matter of seconds; to those who have never struggled with Anorexia, this may make no sense but I am not asking you to understand but merely to believe what I say and to empathize with my vulnerable mind. After hearing that my body had gained two pounds(this may not seem like a lot, but to a mind consumed with Anorexia the amount doesn’t matter but merely the word gained brings me to my knees; this sick disease is built on the fact that when it comes to losing weight, there is no limit but gaining is a whole different story) my sinful mind was consumed with thoughts of self-hatred and an overwhelming desire to lose this weight, no matter what it took.Even though I'd been told many times that maintaining weight meant variations within a range, the devil's taunts became too much for my weak mind to overcome. My sick mind wanted nothing more than to avoid food at all costs and to turn to over-exercising to make up for my “loss of determination”. Several years ago I damaged my hamstring and to the extent of injury I am not certain, but several weeks ago the excruciating pain reentered my body; all of my life I have endured despite the pain and have ignored it only to numb my wounds and disregard my body. Ever since the pain reappeared, I have not given up running and yesterday, as I was limping and could hardly move, I did not give in to the pain of my piercing rods and screws nor my  hamstring but braced my leg only to run several miles too many.As I was looking to external things of this world to fill the increasing void in my heart, it left me hopeless, discouraged and unsurprisingly in pain. Satan keeps slowly easing the desire to over exercise and ultimately earn love and acceptance into my wounded mind; every woman longs to hear she’s beautiful and that her very being is quite enough, and I am certainly no exception. Yes, I gave into the devil’s lies of how to attain these desires, but I refuse to believe that I have to continue to do so. I am loved merely by existing and being myself- the woman God had in mind when He created me. No matter how many miles I run, how many pounds I lift, how little I weigh…nothing will change His unending love for me which is based solely on my existence, without any additions or subtractions to this value.

As I see the world around me seeking to exercise to fill the voids of insecurity, I question if it is truly a sin and wonder why I too can’t do the same; I am reminded that a single change begins with one person and the fact that I can only change myself. The unfulfilling life of extreme exercise once defined me but no longer belongs because there is then no room for the God of the Universe; pride cannot exist with God running my life. Instead of following my sinful desires led by pride, I want to decrease so that God can increase; this life is not about my own accomplishments but of God’s! I want my confidence to be Christ-confidence and not of this world. As excruciating as it is to let go of my sinful desires, I choose to do so. God has called me to greater things of which cannot exist with earthly things. I have to let go of my past in order to move forward and to forgive myself for repeatedly falling down- for trying to get through life on my own. I believe the devil is relentlessly attacking me because he knows God has called me to greater things; I cannot, no matter how hard I try, overcome his grueling and deathly attacks on my own but instead require complete surrender to the God whose presence makes the darkness flee. Everything on this earth will fade including my clothes, body, possessions, and will have zero impact at the gates of Heaven. Instead of looking to satisfy my own desires and to put myself first, I am going to satisfy the needs of others by surrendering to a life of humbleness, wherever the God of the Universe takes me. The devil wants to keep me sidetracked from sharing with the world his lies and where believing them has led me; he wants to keep me from loving and serving- to steal my joy as nursing school approaches. As much as my evil self wants to buy the workout DVD Insanity to bring forth false contentment, I want to use this same amount of money to buy something which is not of solely my own benefit but that which will benefit so many more- a stethoscope. 

I am choosing to set aside my own selfish and prideful desires in order to let God work in me and to influence others who matter just as much as me into His kingdom. My joy comes solely from the Lord and satisfaction comes through service; I am going to serve the world through my calling as a nurse. Perfection and being the “best” is impossible and I refuse to strive for something which is unattainable and ultimately destructive. No matter how I look, how many miles I run, how many home runs I hit, my identity is found in Christ alone; my ultimate desire is that if someone loves me, they’re loving God because the two are intertwined so tightly and cannot be separated. 

Beautiful

Hello world; oh how I’ve missed you! To see spring blooming before my very eyes brings me unspeakable joy and makes my heart skip a beat; oh how I love feeling the wind brushing against my bare skin and whipping through my hair. I feel God’s presence right beside me, even though I don’t deserve it nor do I always take advantage of the fact that the God of the Universe sincerely wants to help me through each and every moment. Spring break has arrived yet I feel like this semester has just begun and my world has become a blur except for the many words typed in my text books; college truly seems like a dream and each time fear and doubt enters my wandering mind, it is swept away by reinforcement that this is where I am meant to be. Never in my life have I felt so fulfilled then after I surrender my all to Christ from whom true success comes; He takes the burdens off of my shoulders so that I can focus on loving others- what He has called me, in fact the world, to do. Our lives are not based on how much we have but how much we love.

I feel like a walking text book; nursing school is a challenge yet I am not defeated because I am not the one fighting. All I can do is stand in awe of the King as we journey through life together; I cannot take credit for any accomplishments because I would be living a lie. I am here to tell you from experience that with God by your side, you cannot be defeated; losing is not in His vocabulary. When God calls you into something completely over your head, rejoice because when we are weak then He is strong! Weakness, contrary to my former beliefs, is beautiful because only then is God’s true power made known- a power beyond this world’s comprehension. I want God’s will more than I want anything; I am not giving up no matter where this competition may lead me. It’s scary to relinquish control of my life over to God, but perfect love casts out fear; there is no fear in love. I have applied to the Nursing program and all I can do is wait in complete surrender; I have no confidence in myself but complete confidence in the One who lives inside of me. I am not afraid of where this life may take me- bring the fires, bring the rain because through them I am made stronger; I can’t turn down a challenge! I am not fighting for myself, but for those God has placed on this earth for me to reach and to love; my heart burns with passion for the lost and the hurting because I was one of them.

My heart aches to the deepest depths within me as I see those overtaken by the cruelty of sin; those living a lie that this life is hopeless. This is the reason I write; to prove to them that absolutely no sin is beyond God’s redemptive power. I feel God pulling at my heart to publish to the world the relentless pain He has redeemed me from; I want merely to be a vessel for His words to pour out of. Yes, this is a scary step for me, but once again, perfect love casts out fear; I am not afraid when God is by my side. As I see lives fading away before my very eyes, I am convinced that neither life nor death shall separate me from His perfect love. Wherever He leads me, I will stay by His side, where no one can shatter me. There is only one way to freedom and that is through complete surrender each and every moment; freedom comes through Christ alone who defeated death for our sins. He is the true superstar and the quarterback of my life through whom no mistakes can ever be made.

It has been almost a year since I departed from the doors of Selah House into a life of freedom and beauty beyond compare; God has redeemed me and He will you also- all it takes is one question. Love was the key which unlocked my damaged and shattered heart, but surrender is what keeps it forever beating.

As I wrap up my thoughts, I want to leave you with a song which speaks to the depths of my heart as it talks about being romanced by the King. My life belongs to the greatest lover of all time who doesn’t want anything from me- only love. This is the greatest romance of all time!